Phones no longer fit in our pockets. The goddamn indignity of life continues.
Three technologies that have not improved my life
July 28th, 2010I am not anti-technology. The cell-phone, Garmin Navigation System, and vaccinations have all led to significant improvements in my life (smoother airport pick-ups, ability to more quickly locate the nearest Dairy Queen, less small pox).
But not all technology results in a net gain in happiness. Here for example are three technologies that have done nothing to make me happier:
1. HDTV It’s not that it doesn’t look great. It’s just, I never once remember watching TV thinking, “Man, I wish I could see this guy’s forehead sweat more clearly.” I was happy with TV. I assumed it was about as clear as can be. Now, you watch something in HDTV and it makes regular TV look like a fifth-grader scribbled some blobby crayon-figures all over your TV screen. The bar has been needlessly raised. HDTV doesn’t make TV better, it just makes non HDTV worse.
2. Digital Picture Frames: Just because it can be digital, doesn’t mean it should be. The main problem is this–do you leave it on all the time, thus wasting electricity and keeping you up at night as it weirdly scrolls through 623 pictures of you posing in front of empty beer bottles? Or do you turn it off at night and when you go out? But if you don’t leave it on all the time, you have to remember to turn it on every day. Which is also weird because now you’re making this conscious choice to say: “Gee, I really want to look at those pictures of myself today.” So, it becomes like this constant decision making process–do you turn on the pictures today or not? Suddenly, something that took not a second of my time before is demanding precious energy from me every single day.
3. Ununspetium – When element number 117 was discovered back in January, I was stoked. I figured the target-projective combinations leading to z=117 compound nuclei would really change the way I viewed the halogen family as a whole. But to be honest, this whole element has been a huge disappointment so far. Copernicium it ‘aint.
Finally video games protect women’s virginity too
July 27th, 2010
Love of computer games help keep another young man "pure."
It’s about time they figured out how to use video games to keep teenage girls abstinent–after all, gaming has been keeping guys sex-free for years now.
Men think about Sex ALL THE TIME!!!
July 23rd, 2010My God how did they do it–how did Elle Magazine pierce the male psyche and reveal the secrets to our sex crazed brain? Yes, it’s true, it’s all true! We can’t help it though, it’s just biological. It’s a primal evolutionary drive!
Even now I’m having a hard time…finishing…blog…entry…so distracted by…sex drive…and also…my insatiable appetite for…complex carbohydrates…which my body CRAVES…at least every few hours or so…to turn into energy…or store as fat…so biological… oh god…complex….carbohydrates…mmmm.
Cupcake maker misunderstands Lesbian slang
July 21st, 2010You want men to eat cupcakes so I guess you immediately think “lesbian?” Here’s a quick marketing tip: calling your cupcakes Butch will not necessarily make guys like them.
Am I the only one who didn’t even realize there was a stigma for men eating cupcakes? After all, who is more masculine than Captain Cupcake?
Parents’ dream of making babies materialistic and shallow one step closer to reality
July 19th, 2010Designer diapers are the new rage. Finally, shitting on yourself is cool again.
Poetic Spam
July 16th, 2010
90% of the comments this blog receives are spam, which is not surprising. Internet con-artists and shady marketers are our target audience, and we remain the only blog serving their needs on a day in day out basis. Most of this spam is totally unremarkable and is quickly deleted, but sometimes a certain peculiar, creative blurb comes through that catches my eye.
Today’s poetic spam has the obscure resistance to meaning that makes me think it can only be classified as poetry. Enjoy (line breaks added):
It’s the first time I have heard
that in Macedonia, obits are
an unusual observe. You
have wonderfully written
the post. I have liked your way
of writing this. Thanks for this thing
as you have written it.
McDonald’s discovers liquid is popular
July 14th, 2010If there’s one thing people love, it’s liquid, which is why McDonald’s new obsession selling profitable beverages can only lead to one place–drinkable hamburgers, something I’ve been plugging for a long time.
Think about it–you’re working out at the gym and you want to bring a couple Big Macs with you. Now, you have to bring them in a cumbersome Big Mac carrying pouch, but what if you could just crack open a cold, frothy can of hamburger and enjoy? So refreshing!
While the idea may seem far-fetched, the actual, I swear I’m not making this up, introduction of Sandwich in a Can means the possibility of one day chugging a bottle of Fish Filet is all too real.
Future-seeing Octopus is No Big Deal
July 12th, 2010
Harvey the Seahorse says: NY Islanders getting 2.5 points at Colorado? That's a sucker-bet..
While everyone goes gaga over Paul, the future-seeing Octopus from Germany who correctly predicted every World Cup game, it’s worth remembering that this gift is not particularly unusual.
Most sea animals of even average complexity have some psychic ability when it comes to forecasting sporting events including most famously Harvey the Seahorse who could pick winners vs. the spread for any regular season NHL game and Jacob the Jellyfish who had a knack for guessing the Kentucky Derby winners, a talent that made his owner very rich until Jacob stung him to death.
Of course, the media loves nothing more than a good octopus story, so instead of context, we get sensationalism.
Robot Cat Army One Step Closer to Reality
July 8th, 2010Those who discounted my frequent warnings that robot cats would eventually destroy humanity take note. The future is now.