Ladies and Gentlemen, I just did a bunch of push-ups and boy are my arms tired…
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Bernie Madoff was sentenced to 150 years in jail this week. Madoff crunched the numbers and according to his projections, he should be free in 1987.
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In South Carolina, it’s still uncertain whether Mark Stanford will resign, but if he does, Lt. Governor Andre Bauer said he’s ready to step in. Bauer said he’s looking forward to fulfilling all the duties of the governorship, though he admitted there are a lot of holes to fill, and Argentinian women aren’t really his type.
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In Europe, they have developed a universal cell phone charger that will work on all standard-made cell phones. Unbelievable, even the Europeans’ cell phone chargers are socialist.
Republicans immediately responded rejecting the idea of universal cell phone chargers saying Americans deserve a cell phone charging system that is uniquely American, meaning it should be expensive, hopelessly complicated, and exclude at least 47 million people.
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Obama has gotten some heat in recent weeks for advancing his anti-smoking legislation while he remains a smoker. But as Obama pointed out, he doesn’t let his personal life interfere with public policy. For example, in his personal life he’s apparently very open to homosexuals, but he’s been careful to make sure there’s no evidence of this in his actual policy.
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A man in Albany claims he found an image of Jesus inside his coffee cup. The man says the discovery is shocking and has caused him to completely question whether or not his dishwasher actually works.
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I know everyone is reeling from the news about Michael Jackson’s passing, but there was another sad loss, particularly to those in the advertising business. Famous advertising pitchman Billy Mays has died. Billy was famous for pitching products like OxiClean and Mighty Mendit in Direct Response TV ads. There will be a small ceremony honoring his life in Tampa, Florida later this week. A limited number of seats at the ceremony will be made available to the public, BUT YOU MUST CALL NOW! There’s never been a better time to GRIEVE FOR BILLY MAYS! The first 100 BLOG READERS WHO E-MAIL will receive not only the official BILLY MAYS OXICLEAN cleaning products, but also for a limited time, a FREE AUTOGRAPHED COMMEMORATIVE PLATE. And THAT’S NOT ALL…
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This last weekend, the US Soccer team almost pulled a huge upset in the soccer world, losing to Brazil by the score of 3-2. I’m not a huge soccer guy, but I watched the entire match. The American’s played admirably, though I have to think they would have done better had they not stuck to their questionable game plan of only using their feet.
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A man was arrested after he called 911 to complain about an Incorrect order at McDonald’s. I know that sounds like a misuse of 911, but just look at how badly they screwed up the guy’s order: He ordered a Big Mac Meal, no onions, light sauce, a super-sized French fry, and a Diet Coke without ice. Instead, he got stabbed in the neck. That’s pretty a bad screw-up.
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Iraqis pored into the streets to celebrate the departure of (uh, some) U.S. Troops from Iraq. So there you have it, Cheney was right when he said we’d be greeted like liberators by the Iraqis. He just didn’t mention it would be when we liberated the Iraqi’s from us, not from Saddam…
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And now for a little Yiddish humor: Tsvey kelemer yidn ze’en zikh in gas. Zogt Yohen, “Moysheh, gut aikh tsu zen nokh aza langer tsait. Ober ir hot zikh zayer gebitn.” “Ober, ich bin…” zogt der tsveyter yid. “Es makht nit oys. Ir zet oys azoy andersh. Ich bedenk ikh vi a hoykher, a glaykher mit breiteh aksl. Itst tet ir oys azoy niderik. “Ikh viln aikh zogn,” entphert der tsveiter yid. “Ikh bin nit Moysheh.” “Oy, zet nor. Ayer nomen hot ir oykh gebitn!”
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Finally, a new study released by the Department of Human Sciences confirms a long believed hypothesis that 50% of all people are smarter than the other 50%.
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Thank you folks, I’ll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waitress.
Bernie Madoff was sentenced to 150 years in jail this week. Madoff crunched the numbers and according to his projections, he should be free in 1987.
Since Madoff is 72, it’s being reported that Madoff will most likely die in federal prison. Most likely? Wow, way to go out on a limb on that one.
In South Carolina, it’s still uncertain whether Mark Stanford will resign yet, but if he does, the Lt. Governor Andre Bauer could step in and be governor until there can be an election in 2010. Bauer said he’s looking forward to fulfilling all the duties of the office of the governor, though he admitted he’s not really that into Argentinean women.
In Europe, they have developed a universal cell phone charger that will work on all standard-made cell phones. See, even the Europeans cell phone chargers are socialist.
Republicans immediately responded rejecting the idea of universal cell phone chargers saying Americans deserve a cell phone charging system that is uniquely American, meaning as confusing and wasteful as our health care system.
Obama has gotten some heat in recent weeks for advancing his anti-smoking legislation while he remains a smoker. But as Obama pointed out, he doesn’t let his personal life interfere with public policy. For example, in his personal life he’s apparently very open to homosexuals, but he’s been careful to make sure there’s no evidence of this in his actual policy.
A man in Albany claims he found an image of Jesus in his crown of thorns inside his coffee cup. The man says the discovery is shocking and has caused him to completely question whether or not his dishwasher actually works.
I know everyone is shocked about Michael Jackson’s passing, but there was another sad loss, particularly to those in the advertising business. Famous advertising pitchman Billy Mays has died. Billy was famous for pitching products like OxiClean and Mighty Mendit in Direct Response TV ads. There will be a small ceremony honoring his life in Tampa, Florida later this week. A limited number of seats at the ceremony will be made available to the public, BUT YOU MUST CALL NOW! There’s never been a better time to GRIEVE FOR BILLY MAYS! The first 100 BLOG READERS WHO E-MAIL will receive not only the official BILLY MAYS OXI CLEAN cleaning products, but also for a limited time, a FREE AUTOGRAPHED COMMEMORATIVE PLATE. And THAT’S NOT ALL…
This last weekend, the US Soccer team almost pulled a huge upset in the soccer world, losing to Brazil by the score of 3-2. I’m not a huge soccer guy, but I watched the entire match. The American’s played admirably, but I have to think they would have done better had they not stuck to their questionable game plan of only using their feet.
A man was arrested after he called 911 to complain about an Incorrect order at McDonald’s. I know that sounds like a misuse of 911, but just look at how badly they screwed up the guy’s order: He ordered a Big Mac Meal, no onions, light sauce, a super-sized French fry, and a Diet Coke without ice. Instead, he got stabbed in the neck. That’s a pretty big screw up…
Iraqis pored into the streets to celebrate the departure of U.S. Troops from Iraq. So there you have it, Cheney was right when he said we’d be greeted like liberators by the Iraqis. He just didn’t mention it would be when we liberated the Iraqi’s from us, not from Saddam…
And now for a little Yiddish humor: Tsvey kelemer yidn ze’en zikh in gas. Zogt Yohen, “Moysheh, gut aykh tsu zen nokh aza langer tsayt. Ober ir hot zikh zayer gebitn.” “Ober, ich bin…” zogt der tsveyter yid. “Es makht nit oys. Ir zet oys azoy andersh. Ich bedenk aykh vi a hoykher, a glaykher mit breiteh aksl. Itst tet ir oys azoy niderik. “Ikh viln aykh zogn,” entphert der tsveiter yid. “Ikh bin nit Moysheh.” “Oy, zet nor. Ayer nomen hot ir oykh gebitn!”
Finally, a new study released by the Department of Human Sciences confirms a long believed hypothesis that 50% of all people are smarter than the other 50%.
help the Socialist Proletariat know who to go after first once the revolution happens.
think you can do something of little to no social or cultural value better than other people who have also dedicated themselves to the same obscure artistic pursuit? Based on the strong ratings of this show, I’m eagerly awaiting the spin-offs, So You Think You Can Stand on One Foot for a Really, Really Long Time? and So You Think You can Consume Large Quantities of Ammonia Without Asphyxiating? 
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