Archive for July, 2009

Friday Links: 80s Cereal Commercial Edition

Friday, July 31st, 2009

Time for a special Friday links, dedicated to the golden age of cereal advertising: the 1980s.  This was a time of unprecedented advancement in cereal technology and marketing, where no popular cultural phenomenon was too good to be turned into a cereal.  As you view these classic commercials, see if you can identify some of the themes that make them unmistakeably 1980s:

- Obsession with marshmallows (the marshmallow was invented in 1982, so it was a big deal to have marshmallows in your cereal)

-An insanely catchy/memorable song or jingle

-Lovable cartoon mascots

-An adorable, white brother and sister combo sitting at the breakfast table (the boy with a mop top, the girl usually with blond hair) with not only cereal, but every other breakfast food imaginable.  No wonder we got so fat in the 80s.

Enjoy:

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Who You gonna Call?

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Classic Coco Puffs

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Nintendo Ceral (true innovation)

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Donky Kong Cereal

(I remember this being good)

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Pac Man Cereal

(it’s more than a cereal–it’s a dance craze)

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Another 80s cereal innovation–fantastic prizes!

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Holiday Fruity Pebbles

(could be the most effective ad of all time–I still sing it)

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Crispy Critters: When cute goes too far

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Lucky Charms

(the white brother/sister theme works in cartoons too)

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Bugs Bunny helps the Trix Bunny

(but I don’t know how it ends)

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Double Dip Crunch!

(technically, 1991, but possible the best cereal no longer on the market)

Buy, Sell, Hold!

Tuesday, July 28th, 2009

stock-market-financial-dice-roll-buy-sell-hold-thumb6150113

Today, we go through some investing tips for those looking to bulk up their portfolio in a down market.  Remember that smart investing begins with research—that’s why I’ve spent the last 23 minutes researching MANY of the companies listed on the various stock-exchange thingies so that you don’t have to.  With that, here are my BUY, SELL, and HOLD recommendations for the week.

Let’s start with BUY.  I am definitely recommending buying stock in Baskin-Robbins, a baskinrobbinscompany whose recent Ice Cream Cake advertisement combines the brilliance of being extremely annoying, with the usefulness of only telling us things we already know (Baskin Robbins sells ice cream cakes!).  This is just what this company needs to skyrocket to record profits in the next quarter. Unfortunately, through my in-depth research on who owns Baskin-Robbins, it looks like buying stock in the company may prove tricky—here’s its corporate history:

Baskin-Robbins was owned by the founders until purchased in 1967 (just prior to Burt Baskin‘s death) by the United Brands Company (United Fruit). In 1972, the company went public for the only time in its history when United Brands sold 17% in an IPO. A year later (1973), the British food company J. Lyons and Co. purchased Baskin-Robbins from United Brands and all the public stock. J. Lyons then merged with Allied Breweries, becoming Allied-Lyons in 1978. Allied-Lyons then merged with Pedro Domecq S.A. in 1994 and became Allied Domecq. Baskin-Robbins, Togo’s, and Dunkin’ Donuts now comprise Dunkin’ Brands, Inc. Dunkin’ Brands was part of Allied Domecq until its purchase in 2006 by a group of private equity firms – Bain Capital, Thomas Lee and The Carlyle Group

So, based on this, I recommend calling up this Thomas Lee guy and asking him to buy stock in his company. That’s how you invest like a smart investor.

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As for my SELL recommendation.  Dump your shares of Chevron Inc.  While gas chevronprices continue to rise, there are never any convenient Chevrons wherever I drive. It’s like they came up with a strategy to always be positioned on the least convenient side of the street no matter which way you are heading! I don’t know how they pulled this off, but I believe this strategy will fail.  I buy about $60 worth of gas a month and right now Chevron is getting literally 0% of this.  Over 1,000 years, that equates to a loss of roughly $720,000.  If there is someone like me in each of the 50 states, that means a loss of 36 MILLION DOLLARS, or, put another way .2% of their annual profits!  Ouch.  Sell, sell, sell!

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For my HOLD recommendation, I am going with Sprint Nextel Corp. which per a very trusted source has yielded the best return in 2009.  So if you have this stock, you definitely want to hold onto it.  The real question is what to do if you don’t have the stock and you want to follow my advice and hold onto it. I’m actually in this boat.  Here’s the plan. I would call Sprint Nextel and tell them that at the start of 2009 you ordered 10,000 shares of Sprint Nextel stock but you never received it. Then, they’ll look up your customer record and say they never received any order or maybe they’ll just inform you that you that stock is traded on a secondary market and not purchased directly from a company over the phone.

In any case, you should start yelling at the person and tell them you know they’re just some 11 year old kid at a phone bank somewhere outside the slums of Calcutta.  They’ll be polite but say you’re wrong. It’s important at this time that you continue screaming and berating the person until they pass you along to a manager. Repeat the same process with the manager until you get passed along to whoever manages the manager.

At this point, you should have everyone pretty fed up with you so it’s time to make your second offer. Ask for a free Sprint Nextel shirt instead or your original request for 10,000 shares of stock. They’ll almost certainly send you one. If you’re ballsy, ask for a mousepad.  Then, all you have to do is hold onto this shirt and watch it appreciate in value. I have an MCI Worldcom Shirt in my closet right now that is probably worth triple what it cost in 1996 when I got it.

Happy investing everyone.

Apolgies, Corrections, & Regrets

Monday, July 27th, 2009

Over the years, this blog has made some errors and misstatements. In the excitement and rush of putting out the high level of quality entertainment we strive for, we rarely get a chance to address and correct these errors.  All of us at WIF would like to take the time to make the following corrections at this time:

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In the November 6, 1984 Blog Entry, “The Upset Kid Does It!” we mistakenly projected that Walter Mondale had won the presidential election over incumbent Ronald Regan. In fact, we spoke too soon as he lost in a landslide. WIF regrets the error.

Similarly, our follow up entry on September 13, 1986,“The Do Nothing President: Why Aren’t We Hearing More from President Mondale,” was pretty much entirely erroneous. WIF sincerely regrets the error.

In the December 12, 1988 blog entry, “Jarod Fogel is a Giant Ass,” we called 8th Grade Social Studies Instructor Jarod Fogel, among other things, an impotent ass-wipe, a Nazi sympathizer, a liar, a cheat, and a dog-humper.  We, in fact, have no evidence that Mr. Fogel at any time expresses sympathetic feelings to Nazis.  WIF really, really, truly regrets the error.

Our eight-part blog series running between October and November 1989 entitled “Welcoming the New Century: Why Flying Cars in 1993 is Definitely Going to Happen” made several minor to significant factual and predictive errors.  WIF deeply, strongly, and passionately regrets the error.

In the April 2, 1995 blog entry entitled, “Yes, Canada is a Continent,” we mistakenly identified Canada as a subject people cared about. WIF is all but ready to jump off a tall building, so filled are we with regret for the error.

The November 6, 1997 blog entry entitled, “Hey Jeff Moldowsky, you Stupid Fu*king Polak, if you Fu*ck my Girlfriend One More Time I’m going to Fu*k your Fu*king Face!” erroneously implied that Jeff Moldowsky, my old next-door neighbor, was Polish.  WIF feels pretty shitty about the error.

The March 1, 1999 blog entitled, “Why Putting Your Entire Portfolio in Dot.com Start-up Companies without Actual Business Models is a Sure-fire Way to Get Rich,” accidentally provided bankruptcy-inducing financial advice without the caveat that the entry was written by my 8-year-old autistic cousin. WIF pines with regret on moonless nights over the error.

The January 1, 2000 blog entitled, “Guess Whose Back? ” falsely implied that Walter Mondale was on the brink of a political comeback and poised to steal the White House away from newly elected president George Bush. While WIF stridently regrets the error, we also feel this wildly inaccurate fictional scenario would have been far less disastrous than the actual reality that unfolded. So our regret is, we should say, tempered.

The August 30, 2005 blog entry, “People We Like to Make Fun Of,” the last name of one Mary Buttface of 1424 SW North Dakota Street in Portland Oregon was misspelled. The correct spelling of her last name is in fact C-O-H-E-N and not B-U-T-T-F-A-C-E as was listed. WIF is filled with nauseous regret for the error.

The December 24, 2006 Blog Entry entitled, “Yes Virginia, There is a Santa Clause,” was not only contained inaccurate information about supposed proof of Santa Clause’s existence, it was also a word-for-word plagiarism of Francis Pharcellus Church’s 1897 editorial by the same name. WIF stings with a regret so deep, it radiates out of our intestines.

Finally, the January 15, 2009 blog entry entitled, “3rd Times a Charm: Why This Time Walter Mondale is The Answer,” was just really stupid. Regret is to weak a word to capture the emotion we feel.

If you find an error in the content of this blog, please feel free to e-mail it to brian.diamond@whatisfunny.net. Thank you.

Friday Links

Friday, July 24th, 2009

Could this be the best Friday Links ever?  The critics say no, but the people say probably not.  But the people are usually wrong, so, QED, yes.  Best ever.

Craigslist Posters Beware!

(could be the funniest site I’ve seen in a long time)

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China gobbles up the last, great American newspaper

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Colbert shows why white is the new black

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Jimmy Fallon’s 7th Floor West

(Best show ever!)

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Conan thinks anit-Arnold ad goes too far

(but will it get us a budget?)

Obama’s new push for universal healthcare?

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What’s Cuck-E-Cheese without games?

(come for the food?)

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Florida couple with the same name gets married

(and you thought the people on Miami Social were vain)

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The Taco Bell Chihuahua has died

(don’t worry, I saw the creator of the Taco Bell  Chihuahua the other

day and he’s still alive and well)

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Don’t you know that all advertisements are plagarized?

Wipeout: Most. Efficient. TV Program. Ever.

Wednesday, July 22nd, 2009

Wipeout_TV_show_logo

The show Wipeout on ABC may be the first television show in the history of television in which the title can serve as the concept, pitch, and synopsis for the entire show.  If someone were to ask, “What is the show Wipeout about?” they would have inadvertently answered their own question.  The show is so simple, that watching 5 minutes of it the other day is enough for me to fully understand what the show is about and why it is (apparently) popular.

First, Wipeout is a testament to American efficiency and impatience. I find its parallel  in Pixie Stix from the candy world.  Pixie Stix is basically the acknowledgment that what kids really like in candy is sugar, so whyPixieSticks waste time and effort on the complicated artifices through which the sugar is delivered (i.e., the candy) when you can just dump a bunch of colored sugar in a paper wrapper and call it a day?  Why suffer through the tedium of chewing and processing through non-sugar foodstuffs just to get to what you really want?

Wipeout works from the same premise.  For centuries, humankind has invented complicated systems to produce the desired effect of being able to watch grown men and women horribly injure themselves.  The Greeks had their athletes run around buck-naked, covered in oil (and mostly drunk), all in the hopes that a few might crash into each other and then land in uncomfortable positions.  In modern times, we’ve created sports wherein really athletic people moving at full speed, run (or skate, or jump, or drive, or whatever) toward each other in ways that are sure to, eventually, produce ligament-busting, career ending, collisions.

But really, it’s a whole bunch of pomp and circumstance for very little payoff. Even a football game produces only a handful of concussion-inducing collisions or nauseous bone snaps.  In Boxing or even MMA, the fighters spend sooooooo much time avoiding getting hit—it’s really a waste of everyone’s time.

Wipeout, like Pixie Stix, cuts out the facade. The point of Wipeout, purportedly, is to run through an obstacle course, but I’m pretty sure it’s actually impossible to do.  Iwipey-awards don’t even know if there is eve a prize for the person who finishes.  I don’t know if anyone ever has finished.  Frankly, it doesn’t matter.  The show is literally 30 minutes of people falling down and hurting themselves.  It’s the Holy Grail, what previous shows like Americas Funniest Home Videos aspired to, but could never achieve because inevitably, there was that video of a kitten playing the piano that came between the man being whacked in the face with a 3 Wood and the woman burning her face in a waffle iron.

Wipeout is just people getting smacked in the face with waffle irons over and over until it’s finally over.

I think the next step in the show’s evolution is obvious.  Right now, there still is a lot of time wasted where the contestants don’t wipeout.  Sometimes, through some loop-hole in the laws of physics, they manage to run over the inflatable bridge, that is only being supported by a single wisp of air, without falling into the reservoir of raw sewage below.  This, clearly, is wasted time.

I suggest Wipeout 2.0, in which contestants are, one by one, pushed off a 500 foot ledge where they fall, bouncing off inflatable protrusions on the way down, sort of like a helpless pinball in a pinball game.  When they reach the bottom, they get their prize—the chance to compete in Super Wipeout 2.0, which is basically the same as Wipeout 2.0 but this time when they get to the bottom there are also crotch-biting crocodiles.

Even if ABC won’t buy it, I’m sure Fox will be interested.

An American Portrait

Sunday, July 19th, 2009

small town sign

All my life, I’ve lived in relatively large cities, or at least near large cities, but secretly, I’ve wondered what it might be like to live in a small racist town.  I mean,  big cities have lots of advantages, but it can be really lonely and impersonal. In Los Angeles, you may be surrounded by 3 million people and only know 20 or 30 of them. Most people don’t even know their next door neighbors.  But it’s not like that in a small racist town.

In a small racist town, everyone knows everyone’s name, and they are sure to say high to you on the street and tell you a quirky story about their family or maybe just share a funny racist anecdote.  Everyone is a character, from the eccentric town mayor to the old guy who plays chess by the general store and hates Jews.  I know my vision of the small racist town may be idealized, but I like to believe that it still exists. We should never forget that America was founded on small racist towns—in fact, at one point almost everyone lived in a small racist town where there were no chain restaurants or books on evolution.  Of course, for a small racist town to really be a small racist town, there has to be a greasy spoon diner. You know what I’m talking about. The kind of place where you can get fresh pie or fried chicken,  enjoy a cup of coffee in the morning, or maybe a nice warm racist meal on a cold day.

Of course, nowadays, all the small racist towns are being gobbled up, what with your Walmarts and your suburban sprawl.  It still exists in Hollywood and on TV where the small racist town is alive and well (think of Gilmore Girls, for example), but does it exit in the real world?  I believe it does, though you have to search.  Real small racists towns aren’t off the freeway.  I may never actually live in a small racist town, but I can’t help wondering how my life would be different if I had? When I think of all the small town racist adventures I missed out on because of where I lived, it makes me sad.  But at least I hope, one day, to visit a really racist small town and see for myself what it is that makes America, America.

Friday Links

Friday, July 17th, 2009

There has been some grumbling that not much funny went on this last week. Some are even dubbing it the least funny week in human history (uh, ever heard of the week of October 4, 1671?). Still, the show must go on. Here is your one-stop-shop for what’s interesting on the web this last week:

Senator Jeff Sessions Smokes Crack?

(it would explain a lot)

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Ben Schwartz Interviews Natsia Liukin

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If Only the Sotomayor Hearings Could be Like This

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I’ve Been This Guy

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Nerdy Suburban Crime Spree

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Conan’s Celebrity Misquotes

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New Garfield Titles?

(I always thought, “Jon Gets Chlamydia, Boy do Mondays Suck” would have been a provocative one)

Adverbed!

Thursday, July 16th, 2009

It’s time for another addition of Adverbed!, where we take boring news stories, and make them fun and exciting with the addition of a few, carefully considered Adverbs (as well as other adjectives and modifiers).

Sotomayor Confirmation

This week we take on the (YAWN!), Sotomayor Supreme Court confirmation hearings, which are about as dry as Jon Cleese at an Oscar Wilde convention.  That is, they were that dry…until now! (added language in BOLD).

The following are excerpts from the official transcript for the Sotamayor confirmation hearing:

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“You said that, quote, you would hope that a wise Latina woman with the richness of her experiences would reach wise decisions. … So tell us, you’ve heard all of these charges and countercharges, the wise Latina and on and on. Here’s your chance. You tell us — you tell us what’s going on here, Judge?” asked Sen. Patrick Leahy, D-Vt lustily.

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“I think it’s consistent in the comments I’ve quoted to you and your previous statements that you do believe that your backgrounds will accept — affect the result in cases, and that’s troubling me. Don’t you think that is not consistent with your statement, that you believe your role as a judge is to serve the larger interest of impartial justice?”  offered Sen. Jeff Sessions, R-Ala douche-bagedly.

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“As you know, judge, the landmark case of Griswold v. Connecticut guarantees that there is a fundamental constitutional right to privacy as it applies to contraception. Do you agree with that? In your opinion, is that settled law?”  probed Sen. Herb Kohl, D-Wis, fisting a ham and pastrami sandwich nostalgically.

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“If a holding in the Supreme Court means it is settled, do you believe that — that Gonzales v. Carhart, upholding the partial-birth abortion ban, is settled law?” quizzed Sen. Orrin Hatch, R-Utah anti-semiticly.

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Does the Constitution authorize the president to not follow parts of laws duly passed by the Congress that he is willing to sign that he believes are an unconstitutional infringement on executive authority?” mused Sen. Dianne Feinstein, D-Calif giggling impishly.

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“Do you believe that the Supreme Court overstepped their constitutional authorities when they went beyond the words of the Constitution, in other words, to the word purpose, and thus expanded the ability of government to take an individual’s private property?” Sen. Charles Grassley, R-Iowa, asked fondling himself despondently.

Standardized Test Where the Answer is Always C

Tuesday, July 14th, 2009

the-answer-is-not-always-c-300x250

Cleanliness is to Godliness as:

A. Pea : Pod

B. Acorn : The Tree

C. Drunk woman who yells racist epithets in her sleep and smells like moths : You on international flight

D. Mormonism : Mormonism

E. All of the above

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The guy cutting off four lanes of traffic to make an illegal left turn from the right lane during rush hour can best be defined as:

A. Impetuous

B. Ornery

C. A resident of Boston

D. Loquacious

E. All of the above

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Which of the following best defines the OPPOSITE of the word EVANESCENT:

A. Of lasting quality

B. Reminiscent of Evan

C. A useful word to know after you’ve taken the SATs

D. Something bigger than a porcupine but smaller than a weevil

E. All of the above

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7×5=

A. Avg. point spread of teams facing the Detroit Lions

B. Avg. speed given to police officers when asked “Do you know how fast you were going” in a construction zone.

C. Avg. age of guy in an 18 and over dance club

D. Avg. of two numbers of unknown quantity

E. All of the above

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What Number am I thinking of Now?

A. 1

B. 1,000,000,000

C. I’m not thinking of a number, I’m thinking of an animal and it’s a Koala Bear.

D. 42

E. All of the above

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Corey is diabetic but Casey is not. If the two were to run in opposite directions at full speed, who would find the activity meaningless first?

A. Corey

B. Casey

C. Kierkegaard

D. Corey and Casey

E. All of the Above

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If a man leaves a train station in Los Angeles heading east at 30 MPH and a woman leaves a bus station in Chicago heading south at 45 mph, and assuming both travel in a straight line, at what point will it finally be possible to travel from one end of the country to the other without having to take off your shoes at airport security?

A. 2012

B. 2014

C. 2000

D. 2015

E. All of the above

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What is the easiest way to calculate the volume of a 3D cone?

A. Calculate the area of the circle at the base of the cone, multiplied by the height of the cone

B. Find cone base area using a circle’s formula, which is (π)(r)(r). Find cone slanted area with this formula: (1/2)(s)(C). Add the results to get the total surface area. Measure the cone’s circumference with this formula: C = πd. C is circumference and d is its diameter. Measure the diameter, which is a line from the base’s one side, through its center, to the opposite side.  Calculate cone slant height from its top to its base’s side. Use your slant height and circumference measurement to calculate cone slanted area. Use step one’s formula, where “s” is the slant height, and C is the circumference. Add your results for cone base area and cone slanted area to get the total cone surface area.

C. It’s a cone. Who the hell cares what its volume is.

D. Calculate the are of a theoretical triangle that looks awfully similar to a cone, then fudge it a little

E. All of the above.

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If I Jason has five doughnuts and Casey has twice the doughnuts as Corey who has ¾ the doughnuts as Kevin who has more doughnuts than Jason, but less than Casey which of the following is a possible answer for the number of doughnuts Corey has:

A. 2

B. Several

C. Corey shouldn’t be eating any doughnuts at all. She’s diabetic. Remember from a few problems ago?

D. Any number > 5

E. All of the above

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Complete this famous open to a major literary work: It was the best of times, _____

A. Then again, try finding a parking spot in San Francisco on the weekend.

B. Until someone lost an eye.

C. But the Hardy Boys had themselves another tough mystery to solve.

D. False

E. All of the above.

To be or not to___

A. D

B. A

C. B

D. C

E. All of the above

I Could Totally Do That Late Night Smackdown: Results

Sunday, July 12th, 2009

Okay, the results are in from the Late Night Smackdown, where I took on the kings of Late Night TV and their writers in a certified joke-off.  Things stacked pretty nicely in my favor as Kimmel, Fallon, and Ferguson  were on re-runs, thus swiftly reducing the field by 60%.  As expected, however, both Conan and Letterman hit the Palin resignation theme pretty consistently throughout the week.  Palin is undoubtedly easy joke fodder–perhaps too easy as for the most part, everyone hit the same notes.  So let’s see the results–I present a sample from both Conan and Letterman alongside my own effort, then declare the winner.

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conan_o_brien-150x150 Conan lead off with Palin indirectly, after tying it into Obama’s trip to Russia.  Obama in Russia. Palin resigning–it’s one of those situations where the joke is too obvious not to write. (note that these aren’t exactly word for word, but close enough–we’re not electing a Minnesota Senator here):

President Obama is in Russia for a historic trip.  Yeah, he went to Russia because from there you can see Sarah Palin cleaning out her office in Alaska.

I’m sure you saw this–Sarah Palin shocked the world by resigning as governor of Alaska. Republicans aren’t sure who will fill that role, but they’re in talk with several of the Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Sarah Palin apparently polled her children on whether she should resign or not and the count was unanimous. Even her children thought she was in over her head.

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david-letterman-032709l-150x150 David Letterman waited until the very end of his monologue on Monday to address the Palin resignation. Given the Letterman-Palin history, he didn’t have to say much to get laughs from his audience:

President Obama is in Russian and we know this because Sarah Palin says she can see him from her house.

Surprising announcement–Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin is stepping down. (Off the applause) Something I said?

A lot of people do this when they step down, you know, the;y blame the media.  Today, as a matter of fact, Sarah Palin was up in a helicopter shooting Wolf Blitzer.

Before Palin decided to quite, she called Dick Cheney. This is great because, when you want advice on strategic maneuvers, you go to the architect of the Iraq war.

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dorkymeAnd as a reminder, here is my entry.  Critics will say the competition isn’t really fair since I get to spend all weekend cherry picking the one joke and topic I want to write about whereas the writers on these shows have to put together 5, 1 hour shows worth of content.  But are those writers also trying to learn Yiddish too?  I think not…so hak mir nit kein tshainik already.

Surprising news this weekend. Sarah Palin stepped down as Governor of Alaska after only 2 1/2 years on the job.  While some see this as a blow to Palin’s 2012 presidential aspirations, others see it as proof that she can deliver on her controversial campaign pledge to complete her first four year term as president in only two years.

In justifying her departure, Palin said that “only dead fish go with the flow.” And she would know–you get a really good look at what happens to dead fish when you’re shooting them from your helicopter.

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And the results: The “see Russia from Alaska” jokes were too easy not to make, so it’s not surprising they found their way onto both Conan and Letterman. I like Conan’s twist on Palin’s kids not believing in her either.  Letterman gets the biggest laugh from his “something I said” aside, but that’s something only he could pull of givent he circumstances.  In the end, the field seems pretty even, so I’m declaring the winner as the only joke that actually made me laugh out loud–and that would be…

Scott. Our loyal reader whose entry into the competition was as follows:

Palin closed her remarks by invoking a quote that she attributed to Gen. Douglas MacArthur: “We are not retreating. We are advancing in another direction.” Some have speculated whether this quote was hinting at a future presidential run. It has since been confirmed that her and her family are planning to attack Russia.

I like the joke because it manages to do what is so hard with a Palin joke–take her words and make them more ridiculous than they originally were.  Too often, Palin is both premise and punchline.  The joke is almost redundant.  Here, we take what is really a stupid thing to say, and find a sideways punchline that is even stupider.

But even if I didn’t win, a top 4 finish aint bad.