Archive for October, 2009

Candy Bars and What They Teach Us

Wednesday, October 28th, 2009

twixTwix: There is something about the ix ending that is irresistible to packaged food producers. Trix, Twix, Kix.  Okay, so there’s only three examples. But that’s a lot considering there are no real words in the English language that end with ix. That I can think of now.

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snickersSnickers: In the original ad campaigns, this was presented as a way of satisfying your hunger when you don’t have time for a meal.  As in, don’t eat a meal, just eat this candy bar. I think it’s painfully clear what that says about us as a culture.

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milky wayMilky Way: Our galaxy is a fascinating place, full of unknown wonders. More to the point, when dropped in a swimming pool, this candy bar looks remarkably like a dookie.

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butterfingerButterfingers: A perfect symbol of the old Marxist dilemma: No matter how hard you try to conatin the delicious taste of peanut brittle in a candy bar, as soon as you bite into it it will break into pieces all over your nice new shirt.

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3MsktrsMainThree Muketeers: There is no French novel so sacred that we can’t also eat it.

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ohhenryOh Henry: Why isn’t this candy bar popular? Chocolate, caramel, fudge, peanuts.  Then you read the fine print: no nougat. This is a nougat country, and don’t you forget it.

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almonbarMounds/Almond Joy: What confused me is you’d think Mounds would have nuts in it. But of course Almond Joy has the nuts and Mounds just has coconut. So what are the mounds? Mounds of what?

A Sort-of Serious Review

Sunday, October 25th, 2009

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(some spoilers below)

A good Yiddish joke goes like this:

Max and Benny are walking down the street, when Max turns to Benny and asks,
“Benny, what’s blue, hangs on the wall and whistles?

Benny considers this a moment, then replies.

“I don’t know Max. What’s blue, hangs on the wall, and whistles?”

“A can of tuna!”

Benny thinks about this, confused.

“A can of tuna?” he asks. “But Max, a can of tuna doesn’t hang on the wall.”

Max shrugs.

“So you hang it on the wall.”

“But a can of tuna isn’t blue.”

“So you paint in blue.”

“But Max, a can of tuna does not whistle!”

Max throws up his hands.

“So it doesn’t whistle!”

The joke deploys an old Yiddish tactic of burying the punch line. We are set up with the conventions of a joke (or sometimes a parable, or profound revelation), then robbed of this, making a mockery of the joke, the joke teller, and (most of all) the audience, who is racing ahead, trying to guess how this puzzle will come together.  The joke frustrates our attempts at order and resolution, and that is what, in a Yiddish sense, is so funny. Really, obviously, we are the punch line.

The Coen Brothers clearly know their Yiddish humor, though even the most dry Yid could probably not have foreseen the nihilistic edges to which they push the genre. A Serious Man, which is often funny, sometimes serious, sometimes odd, time and time again, buries its punch lines.  It leads us to Aha! moments, then denies us the pleasure of experiencing them. This happens first in a strange Yiddish folk tale in the opening sequence involving a Dybuck. It happens several other times, as information and plot points are dangled before our eyes, teasing from us our emotional investment, then robbed.

In one such scene, our main character (the poor, Job-esque, Larry Gopnick) is trying to stop his neighbor from building an extension to his home that he, Gonick, believes crosses the property line. It’s a minor plot point in the movie, but one that is built gradually over a few scenes. At last, a lawyer is brought in, an old stumbling man with rolls of papers under his arms (played by Wayne Duvall, the brilliant Homer Stokes of Cohen Brothers’ yore). He coughs once or twice, then before he can unveil his brilliant plan to fix this tricky problem, dies.  We as the audience are left groaning. We should have seen it coming.  In fact, I suspect many of us (myself included) did. Which is a bit of a problem, because burying the punch line works a lot better when you are waiting for a punch line. When you no longer buy the joker’s bluff, that a punch line is possible, then, well, things are different.

Now, I confess myself a Cohen Brothers fan. Everything up to O Brother I can watch repeatedly. Even as it has become cliché to repeatedly quote Big Lebowski, I can’t, and won’t stop myself. But lately, I am starting to wonder if this technique of refusing to give us the punch line, of ending stories a few scenes short of completion, is interesting or lazy? Once upon a time the cliché was “happily ever after,” and lord knows Hollywood produces plenty of those. But now, this strangely quiet, unresolved ending has become such a convention in certain, what we once called (wrongly) “indie movies,” that it’s all starting to feel to easy.  Too quiet.

We have maybe reached the limits of nihilism. There is nothing to say and we know it, no meaning is possible and we don’t expect meaning, so we enjoy the dialogue when it’s good, watch the characters scramble about, knowing their fates pretty certainly, and leave the theater when the credits roll, whether it makes sense to leave then or not. But you know what, I like endings, that’s why I don’t leave in the middle of movies—even bad movies.

Which isn’t to say the movie isn’t good. Maybe it’s great. I don’t really know, which more and more is my outlook leaving movies like this.  Maybe I loved it. Who can complain these days? What do you want out of a movie anyways, a life changing experience with all the bells and whistles? As Max might wisely say, so it didn’t whistle

Celebrity Quizz Where the Answer is Always C

Tuesday, October 20th, 2009

The disclosure about David Letterman’s affairs with staff members means that finally:

  1. We can have a healthy conversation about sexual infidelity and power relationships in the workplace.
  2. Leno will have fresh monologue material for his new talk show.
  3. Sarah Palin’s campaign headquarters can unload the 500,000 “Fire Dave” t-shirts they have been sitting on since July.

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News that Miss California USA officials want former Miss California Carrie Prejean to repay $5,200 she spent on breast augmentation proves that:

  1. Making slurs against homosexuals has karmic consequence.
  2. Our obsession over plastic surgery and breast size affects every aspect of our culture, from fashion to politics.
  3. The California budget crisis is way worse than we suspected if the Miss California pageant is that desperate for $5,200.

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Now that Jon and Kate Gosselin have officially split, fans of their show can comfort themselves with the knowledge that:

  1. Now the kids can have a chance to grow up out of the public spotlight and regain some sense of normalcy.
  2. Jon and Kate can now move on to more healthy relationships with people they actually care about.
  3. It’s only a matter of week before Jon and the Octomom team up for a new, exploitative reality show based on the premise that watching people with mental illnesses harm their children is funny.

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Mixed review from Spike Jonze’s movie, “Where the Wild Things Are,” just goes to show that:

  1. It’s very hard to duplicate the magic of a classic childhood book in a 2 hour movie
  2. Inflated expectations inevitably lead to disappointment.
  3. Putting a Saphic scene with Neve Campbell and Denise Richards in a movie aimed at children is never a good idea.

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The most surprising thing about Rhianna’s new racy album cover for her new single “Russian Roulette” is:

  1. The way violent images shown on the cover are meant to be empowering, yet end up offering stereotypical view of women as sexual objects.
  2. The degree to which this can this be read as a reaction to the abuse she suffered with ex-boyfriend Chris Brown.
  3. The fact that they still make album covers.

Deconstructing Advertising Fables

Thursday, October 15th, 2009

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There a story–really a fable–that if you work in advertising long enough, you’re bound to hear:

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Once there was an island off the coast of Africa. The tourism board of the island hired an ad agency to put together an advertising campaign to help boost tourism. The Ad agency studied their situation very carefully, and after reviewing things, realized the reason there wasn’t more tourism to the island was that it was very difficult to get there. Discovering this, they told the client, “You don’t need to spend money on an ad campaign, you need to build a bridge.”

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The story is held as an example of agency excellence. A good agency doesn’t make ads, they solve business problems. What’s more, they have the wisdom to recognize when advertising isn’t the solution, when what a client really needs to do is build a bridge. They see a problem, and they find the solution. They don’t just do what the client wants—they do what the client needs.

Aside from the fact that I doubt anything like this has ever happened ever (and never, in nearly a decade working at ad agencies, did I hear an agency not recommend advertising as the solution to a problem), it’s clear why the story is so popular within the agency world.  For one thing, it confirms everything people in advertising already believe about ad themselves. Namely, that they are smart and clever and able to see or discover simple truths the rest of the world cannot see (see episode one of Madmen for instance, when the clever Madman stumbles upon the “It’s Toasted” cigarette tagline, and it was all so obvious but so simple and clever, wasn’t it?).  Further, it confirms what ad folks believe about their clients.  Namely, that they are so incredibly stupid, so incredibly obtuse, they actually need to be told that to get people to come to an island you have to build a bridge to get them there.

And that might be why I’ve always hated the story.  How arrogant must this ad agency have been to just assume the folks in the tourism department at this mythical island, who probably had been thinking about how to boost tourism for like, 50 years (so 25 years longer than the likely age of the clever Ad exec who solved their problem), had never thought of building a bridge. Maybe they can’t build a bridge because the water is too deep, or there is endangered corral. Maybe that’s why they need an ad campaign in the first place.  And so they hire this real slick creative ad shop where the kids ride around on scooters and wear tennis shoes, and this dip-shit in his brand new DKNY jeans comes over and instead of coming up with an ad campaign—the job he was hired to do!—he tells them they need to build a bridge. How helpful, jackass! Here’s a shovel and some concrete. Why don’t you get to it?

I think it’s ironic, but not surprising, that while advertising is a service-based business (ad agencies serve their clients), the story held up as the pinnacle of agency virtue features an agency flat-out not doing what the client asked.  I would love to see this model of excellent customer service applied elsewhere. Oh, I know you said you wanted a hamburger, but the cook is clever enough to determine that what you really want is to be full, so here is a pound of sand. Enjoy.

An besides, who would want to go to an island if it was connected to the mainland by a bridge? We go to islands to get away from the mainland. If you could take a bridge from Van Nuys to Maui, I think it would lose some of it’s appeal. Don’t you?

Dialogue on Airplane, Overheard

Tuesday, October 13th, 2009

An excerpt from a dialogue I woke up to while flying from Los Angeles to Phoenix. Carried forth by the two guys sitting next to me on the plane (Young Guy and Fat Guy) who are coming to a city near you.

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Young Guy: I guess I don’t have a favorite gun.

Fat Guy: You gotta have a favorite gun. You’re a military guy, right?

Young Guy: Reserve.

Fat Guy: That’s like me.

Young Guy: You were in the reserves?

Fat Guy: No. I was in a local, uh, militia I guess you’d call it.

Young Guy: Oh.

Fat Guy: Not the bad kind.

Young Guy: No.

Fat Guy: You know Timmothy McVeigh?

Young Guy: Huh?

Fat Guy: Oklahoma City bomber?

Young Guy: I’ve never been to Oklahoma City.

Fat Guy: (inaudible)

Young Guy: I like the 32.

Fat Guy: You ever fire those monolithic bullets?

Young Guy: We only use m-gage or penetrators.

Fat Guy: I love the 10mm

Young Guy: Yeah, I love the 10mm.

Fat Guy: It’s like…it’s like a smooth, very smooth. Like a baby. You know?

Young Guy: Huh?

Fat Guy: I have a friend you know, he caught one of those monolithic bullets in the face.

Young Guy: Oh man. Awesome.

Fat Guy: Yeah.

Young Guy: That’s awesome. What did he say? I mean, he must have been pissed.

Fat Guy: Naw, he just died. Died on impact. His face was all…blown apart.

Young Gun: Monolitihic wouldn’t do that. Must have been a full metal jacket.

Fat Guy: No, no, monolithic. It was pretty close range.

Young Guy: I’d be pissed.

Fat Guy: You’d be dead.

Young Guy: I don’t know. Maybe.

Fat Guy: It’s the thing about a sledge hammer. You have a big sledge hammer right and it can do more damage you think. But a small sledge hammer has greater velocity. It’s physics really. There’s a big difference between velocity and energy.

Young Guy: They serve pretzels yet or what?

Fat Guy: They’re cutting out the pretzels. What about lead bullets?

Young Guy: Can you melt a lead bullet? I think you can.

Fat Guy: Yeah. You know, I mean,  what about the 44 magnum?

Young Guy: That’s a gun.

Fat Guy: Yeah. You said it. I kind of wish I had a gun right now.

Young Guy: Me too.

Fat Guy: I don’t know why, but I wish I had that, if I could choose a gun.

Young Guy: Yeah.

Fat Guy: Well.

Young Guy: I’m sorry about your friend. And his face.

Fat Guy: Ah. He was an asshole.

Young Guy: I wish they gave out pretzels on the plane. Not just peanuts.

Fat Guy: Fuckers. It’s like that president of ours–

Young Guy: Don’t get me started.

Fat Guy: I won’t. But it’s like that. Just like that.

Friday Links

Friday, October 9th, 2009

A special Friday Links section with some of my favorite stand-up routines. Good comedy is gooder than bad.

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Woody Allen: The Moose

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George Carlin: Doesn’t Vote

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Mitch Hedberg: On Everything

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Demetri Martin: A younger, more sober Mitch Hedberg

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Steve Martin: Balloon Animals

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Richard Pryor on the Jungle

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Aziz on MIA

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David Cross: Funniest Thing Ever Happened 

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Nick Swardson: You had to be there

Top 5 News Stories of the Day

Wednesday, October 7th, 2009

Keeping you up to speed on the latest news affecting you and your loved ones.

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Talk show host David Letterman has been gaining more and more criticism for disclosing affairs he had with staff members. In particular, NOW said “Letterman’s behavior was inappropriate in the workplace” and that “employees should be respected for their talent and skills.”  But what if their talent and skills are sleeping with talk show hosts? Then it would be disrespectful not to have an affair with them, right?

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The Congressional Budget Office is estimating the new proposed Health Care legislation drafted by the Senate Finance committee and Senator Max Baucus would cost $829 billion over ten years. That’s a pretty significant investment, but it does come with a free: I SPENT $829 BILLION ON HEALTH CARE REFORM AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS WATERED-DOWN LEGISLATION AND T-SHIRT, t-shirt. Sizes M, L, XL still available.

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Republican’s are urging Obama to make a swift decision in sending more troops to Afghanistan, feeling that delay would send a message of uncertainty and weakness to the country.  That makes sense. If you’re about to further blunder into a no-win military conflict, in a war-torn country with little history of successful outside military intervention, and almost certain escalation of casualties and loss of national resources, the last thing you want is to look like a pussy too.

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Scientists are excited to announce that they’ve discovered massive ring around Saturn! That is a great relief to 5th grade science textbook illustrators who have been drawing rings around Saturn since 1610.

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A Virginia father is angry that his 16-year old son brought home a book from school entitled, “Perks of Being a Wallflower,” which includes information on homosexuality, drugs, and explicit sexual behavior.  He later clarified his concern saying, “I don’t mind the content, I just don’t thing a 16-year old from Virginia should be reading.”

Book of the Month: Review

Monday, October 5th, 2009

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There is no question that at this point, that within the popular genre of literature in which children are much smarter than adults, the best work is to be found within the expansive Encyclopedia Brown series.  To put it plainly, Encyclopedia Brown is rad. He solves mysteries all the time, and quite frankly proves that solving crime is pretty easy.

The debate then is not whether or not Encyclopedia Brown is awesome, it is which selection with the series is the awesomeist.  Several come to mind.  Encyclopedia Brown gets his Man, Encyclopedia Takes the Case, Encyclopedia and the Case of Pablo’s Nose (the first in the series to take on the controversial issue of characters who may not be white) are all fine examples.  But it is Encyclopedia and the Case of the Disgusting Sneakers that achieves a level of complexity, daring and, if I may be so bold, awesomeness, not achieved before or (sadly) since.

Based on the cover, this novel involves a pair of smelly sneakers, a canoe, a helicopter, a cup of tea or soup, and a vase.  I don’t have to read a single word to know this is going to be one heck of a who-done-it (my money is on the vase).  What is great about this book is the way it subverts the sleuth genre by showing how modern day literary conventions can converge with post-colonial aesthetics to produce a challenging read that questions the authority of the author as narrator, while empowering readers to create their own meaning in the mystery as text.  Also, those sneakers really do look disgusting!

Now, it’s not a perfect book.  There are some strange plot holes as when Encyclopedia Brown asks the kid at the gym if he’s ever played baseball before based on the granule of dirt he sees stuck to his ankle.  But then, this is the guy that prevented murder once simply by staring at a guy name Pablo’s nose!  Truly, there is no limit to his sleuthing.

Of course the real fun of this series is trying to solve the mystery yourself (Wolfgang Iser famously said of this structure: “The first structural quality of the blank, then, is that it makes possible the organization of a referential field of interacting textual segments projecting themselves one upon another,” but that is likely because he always suspects Dr. Gordon, when the thief is inevitably Dr. Gordon’s suspicious gardener).

One question I kept thinking about: Why are these sneakers disgusting? Is that a value judgment on contemporary culture’s fixation with athletic prowess over intellect, or merely an empirical observation of the odors emitted by certain peoples feet, particularly when they are from the South? Certainly both readings are entirely possible, and, at the risk of getting on my political soapbox, I couldn’t help see the entire symbol as a categorical rejection of contemporary market-based value systems that carry no object moral code, but rather achieve their meaning through commoditization only.

Disgusting indeed!

What Would You Do For An Original Idea?

Friday, October 2nd, 2009

klondike bar original

One definition of advertising is: Popular culture, plagiarized, then made worse.  As evidence for such a definition, I offer the latest ad campaign from Klondike Bar, which manages to copy, almost exactly, the chest waxing scene in 40 Year Old Virgin (so blatantly that I suppose one could guess it is intentional–the fact that the ad runs widely in movie theaters supports this idea), then makes it less funny by “upping the ante” and implying the man also has his balls waxed.  Copywriting genius.

But the implied waxed balls are nothing compared to the balls Klondike has by ripping off not one, but two Apatow movies in the same campaign by tagging this ad (not seen in the clip above), with their new website, the Mancave.  If that term sounds vaguely familiar it’s because it’s ripped straight out of Apatow’s, I Love You Man.  Apparently there’s a copywriter somewhere who is really into Apatow, so much so that he wanted to honor his work by removing it from a humorous context and putting it within a thinly transparent plea to get Men, 18-34, interested in ice cream bars.

A bigger point should be made that the iconic trademark (“What would you do for a Klondike Bar?), which is the only original aspect of the ad campaign, doesn’t even make sense. Why are people being forced to suffer needlessly to get their hands on Klondike bars, when they can be found literally overflowing from the shelves of any major grocery store? Does anyone believe this memorable tagline has actually helped sell ice cream? Well, of course in the world of madvertising, there’s always a way to spin the numbers to make even the lamest campaign a smashing success. As in, the following.

Call me cynical, but I’ve always thought Eskimo Pies tasted better anyways.