Archive for November, 2009

Breakup Rebuttals from the Bible

Monday, November 30th, 2009

(code: A = Dumper, B = Dumpee)

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A: I just think we would work better as friends.

B: They that sow tears, shall reap joy.

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A:  I love you more than anything, but I’m not in love with you.

B:  Iron sharpeth iron.

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A: Something’s missing.

B: Seek and you will find.

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A: You don’t treat me like I deserve to be treated. It’s almost like you want me to breakup with you – I mean, I’ve put everything into this relationship and I don’t feel like you’re even meeting me a quarter of the way.  I wish you’d just be a big enough person to admit you don’t want to be with me if you don’t want to be with me.  But I’m sure as hell not going to be with someone that doesn’t want to be with me.

B: I have been a stranger in a strange land.

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A: I met somebody new.

B: So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts to wisdom.

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A: I need somebody who’s more mature.

B: Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath..

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A: (to be said under the hysterical high pitched tone of someone who forgetting in inhale): I hate you, I hate what your family, I hate that you don’t buy me flowers, I hate that you don’t have a job, I hate that you spend all day sitting around the house watching Wings reruns, I hate that you don’t shave for weeks on end and I hate your politics.

B: Some trust in chariots, and some in horses.

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A: You’re not very good in bed.

B: Into thine hand I commit my spirit.

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A: I don’t want to make this all emotional, so let’s just say, good-bye, okay?

B: Man that is born of a woman is of few days, and full of trouble.

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A: I never loved you.

B: Love ye therefore the stranger: for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt.

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A: Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t walk out that door and never come back?

B: When a man hath taken a wife, he shall not go out to war, neither shall he be charged with any business: but he shall be free at home one year, and shall cheer up his wife which he hat taken.

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A: I’m sleeping with your sister.

B: I have syphilis.

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Happy Turkey Day

Tuesday, November 24th, 2009

Thanksgiving6

We will be taking the week off for Turkey Day, but as is our tradition, every year we provide our loyal blog readers with something to be thankful for.  This year’s thing to be thankful for is Ruthenium, atomic number 44 on the periodic table.

Ruthenium may best be known for how it oxidizes explosively when combined with potassium chlorate, but there is so much more to Ruthenium that we ought to be thankful for.

For example, thanks to Ruthenium’s ability to harden platinum and palladium, it is perfect for making wear-resistant electrical components.

A funny side note about Ruthenium is that it is often used in advanced, high-temperature single-crystal superalloys.  That may be why Ruthenium is often referred to by physicists as the “class clown” of elements.

This Thanksgiving, just think of how different the world would be without Ruthenium. And count your blessings that, apparently, there is a whole shit-ton of Ruthenium out there.  Thank you atomic element number 44!

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Book Review: Heathcliff Does it Again!

Sunday, November 22nd, 2009

heathcliff

Too frequently dismissed as a “poor-man’s Garfield,” in this seminal collection by George Gatley, Heathcliff finally steps into his own, asserting through a combination of sly wit and linguistic subterfuge, the type of feline humor that would come to define the mid 80s.

Often called “second term” comedy, for its association with President Reagan’s second term in office,  Heathlcliff projects both the class anxiety of the shrinking middle class, with a sometimes not so subtle critique of capitalist materialism, embedded within a special construct in which the cartoon as text is both object and interpretation.

Heathcliff certainly “does it again” in this collection, raising hell on the streets, tipping over garbage cans, and generally making life miserable for owner Mr. Nutmeg, as clear a representation of bourgeoisie excess as can be found in the Sunday funnies, save perhaps the short-lived strip, “Mr. Weatherbelly and His Golden Grapefruit Peeler.”

There is no question that underneath the thin veneer of humor, this collection relishes in its own dark impulses.  This is not, as it were, traditional post-semantic irony, nor does it allow, even in its most capricious moments, a glimmer of what Marxist Theresa Walenberg has called, “the inflated ego of neo-capitalist suburban comedy” (see, for example, Marmaduke).

Heathcliff forces us to question contemporary socio-religious ideas such as guilt, heuristics, moral ambiguity, and the placement of certain dumpsters near certain restaurants that sell fish.  It is not, on any means, an easy read.  But it is, ultimately, in both its flirtation with what Charles Olson called “the projected image” and what Ronald Reagan deemed, “the shining city on the hill,” the most important feline comic strip up to and including present day (apologies to Krazy Kat).

In other words, a must read!

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Friday Links

Friday, November 20th, 2009

If all the internet could be reduced to eight links, then first of all, it wouldn’t be that useful, and second of all, there probably would be other, better links besides these, but there you have it.

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Defending the imagined constitution

(here area man also equals cable news host)

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Daily Show correspondent covers the buzz over Sarah Palin in NY

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Palin on Oprah on Conan

(somehow she is much more coherent this way)

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Telephone vs. the telegraph, a classic debate

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Honest HBO Warnings

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From Homestarrunner: Wedding Videographer Ideas

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A classic: Big Lebowski as He Man

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911 Emergency: Parents steal kid’s Xbox

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Worst Ads of 2009, Nominations

Monday, November 16th, 2009

walmart

As we plow through November, closing in on the end of another year, it’s time to start thinking about nominations for THE WORST ADVERTISEMENT OF 2009.  Like the Academy Awards, ads coming out at the beginning of the year are often, unfortunately, forgotten, in favor or more recent entries, such as this new ad gem from Wal-Mart.

Now, this being Wal-Mart, the ad is already easy to hate. But even looking past the negative emotions often associated (fairly or not) with a super-behemoth giant like Wal-Mart, the ad is pretty terrible in its own right.  Let’s start break down the train wreck:

The story is simple. A soldier, looking somewhat miserable in the hot (I suppose it must be Iraqi) sun, discovers that, for some reason, it has started to snow. The other soldiers gather round as snow flakes come down, looking a bit confused and (maybe) happy.  Flash back to the states, where a mom asks her little precocious white kid what he asked Santa for for Christmas.  “Something for my dad,” is his adorable reply. Then, the ending where Wal-Mart happily thanks the troops for all they have given us and for allowing us to live better, which is tied to the Wal-Mart tagline, “Live Better.”

The point of this all is presumably just to thank the troops, but in reality it is a thinly veiled attempt to link Wal-Mart with feelings of patriotism and other middle-American values like war.  That they draw the parallel between what our soldiers are doing for America (I guess helping us live better by destabilizing other countries?), and what Wal-Mart does for us (helping us live better by offering super cheap prices on crappy products made in China), is pretty ballsy. Actually, really ballsy. As in, Wal-Marts balls must be as big as their discounts on electronics to try to fold the mission of the arm services under their own brand promise.

But all this tacky, shameless, blatantly propagandistic, ballsy stuff isn’t even the worst thing about the ad. The worst thing, the unforgivable thing, is the entire premise of the story.  That is, that this kid wishing it would snow in Iraq for his poor dad serving there is a really wonderful, magical thing.

I mean, think about it. Your dad is overseas fighting in a war that has been going on for many years, and your wish is that in addition to risking his life for reasons that are, at best, suspect, he should have to do so schlepping through the snow too? I didn’t see any of those soldiers wearing mittens. Believe me, that snow might look cool now, but when they’re up at 4am in the morning shoveling their way to their Humvees, which are lodged in three feet of ice, they won’t think it’s so magical.

Here’s an idea kid—why not wish for your father to come home? Or the war to end? How about that instead of wasting it on such a uselessly, impractical gesture? Or next time, just wish for a new PS3 and call it a day.

Oh, and if that wasn’t bad enough, the idea is totally plagiarized from a campaign I myself worked on several years ago from the California Lottery. Of course, ours was hardly as douchy (though admittedly just as cheesy). See for yourself.(can’t find the video, so the stills will have to carry the story—man wins lottery, makes it snow for his family on Christmas with winnings. You get the idea).

Nicely done Wal-Mart.

We are accepting nominations through the middle of December, so don’t hesitate to submit your choice for WORST AD OF 2009.

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Posted in Madvertising | 2 Comments »

A Brief, Serendipitous History of Mayonnaise

Friday, November 13th, 2009

mayonnaise

Like almost all worthwhile foodstuffs, mayonnaise was not discovered, it was invented.  The who and when of mayonnaise’s invention has been the subject of much bitter, charged debate (see my essay The New Culture War: Mayonnaise and the Competing Discourses of Condiment Hegemony for more).  

The earliest, most widely accepted invention story is that mayonnaise was created during the Civil War as a last-ditch effort by southern generals to boost moral and humiliate the Union which was at  the time experiencing great anxiety over the presumed inferiority of their sandwiches.  In one story, the original intent of mayonnaise was to cure dysentery, but this is largely revisionist history, intended to belittle the importance of condiment research in the late 19th century.

Professor Rocklin of  UMass in 1973 offered a controversial new idea suggesting mayonnaise was not actually invented until sometime around the stock market crash of 1929, when Herbert Hoover dedicated himself to making the best bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwich ever created.  Per Dr.Rocklin, previous spreads passing themselves off as mayonnaise were in fact nothing more than white, odorless pastes designed to keep sandwiches from falling apart when eaten on the move. 

Even more controversial, is the work by Borris Straznofsky of the Ukraine in the late 1980s, providing convincing evidence that it was the early Mayans who invented mayonnaise, as well as Sweet & Low, breakfast in bed, and the practice amongst certain southerners to call all forms of carbonated sweet drinks “Coke.” 

Beyond its invention, mayonnaise has featured prominently in some of the most famous brunches every accomplished, including those in 1962, 1989, and 2002. 

In certain cultures, mayonnaise is thought to be lucky and is often spread liberally throughout the house to ward of bad spirits, while in other cultures it is superstitiously believed that eating jars of mayonnaise before bed will help bring about type 2 diabetes.

While many people believe the color mayonnaise is either “white” or “off-white,” in fact this is not correct. The official color of mayonnaise is, and has been for at least the last decade, “mayonnaise color” which is, incidentally, the 42nd most popular color for painting a bathroom.

There is a dark side to mayonnaise, one I will explore more completely in my upcoming essay (due out in June), “The Mayonnaise Wars: How the Mayonnaise trade Ended the British, Roman, and Hungarian Empires.”

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Excerpt from my upcoming novel: 537 Deli Sandwiches to Eat Before you Die

Monday, November 9th, 2009

sandwich

The following is an excerpt from my novel in progress. Clearly I still have some work, particularly in developing some of the subtler plot points. My protag at this point is likeable, but I don’t know if he’s “fall-in-lovable” and I still struggle with whether I am being too literary when I ought to broaden the novel’s audience.  Anyways, feedback welcome as always.  Enjoy!

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23. Tuna salad on rye. Light Mayo. No capers.

71: “The Nothing but Condiments Club,” available at The Condiment Shop, with all your favorite condiments piled high between two pieces of egg white bread or, for the health conscious, whole oat.

89: “The Lieberman Lunch Sack,” to enjoy when in Connecticut.  The key here is to significantly lower your expectations—then when it arrives, somehow, you’re still disappointed.

431: Roast Beef on a Kaiser roll with lettuce, tomato, mustard.

238: “The Hoaginator,” from Harry’s Heaping Hoagies on 32nd Street in certain cities. For best results order with the herring and fried egg on the side, easy on the yellow peppers and green onions, light ranch dressing.  Double your salami to make it a true Hoaginator.

55.  PB&J with or without crusts.

56: The other PB&J—that is, pickled tongue, bratwurst and jelly. Usually on sourdough and enjoyed in the Spring because of its obvious connections with fertility rights.

127. Classic Turkey Club.  Substitute Soy Bacon for Bacon.  Substitute Eggplant for Turkey. Substitute Veganaise for Mayonnaise.  Enjoy with a heaping side of polish sausage.

2: Caffeine Free Diet Coke.

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Friday Links

Friday, November 6th, 2009

Friday Links is back! Blame the economy, rising commodity prices, healthcare reform, international strife, and the refusal of certain local grocery stores to ever have an adequate selection of produce when all you really want is a kiwi for its absence. Now, revel—revel I say—in its glorious return. Or at least click on a few of the links.

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Ford Unveils New Car for 2010, From 1993

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Victim of Car Accident not Glen Beck

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Literary Comics

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Social Hierarchy Through the Years

(this is just primed for a Marxist reading, but who has the time?)

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This won’t help Blockbuster’s Recruitment Efforts

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Jon Stewart on that Damn Healthcare Bill

(so do Republicans hate health care or reading?)

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Modern Romance

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Letters from the Mailbag

Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009

Gina in Albequrque New Mexico writes: Why is this blog called What Is Funny when it so seldom is funny?

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We get this question a lot.  Probably one of the biggest misconceptions about this blog is that its intention is to be funny.  In fact that has never been a brand promise this blog has been comfortable delivering on.  For the most part, we prefer to dwell in the theory of comedy, that being the state at which something could or would be funny given better material and enough alcohol intake on the part of the reader.

In fact, the blog’s name may on a surface reading imply humor (as in, this blog is what is funny), but a close reading of punctuation reveals this is not a direct statement, but in fact a question of existential crisis. What could be funny in a world where more people will die of Syphilis than experience the joy of watching animals play musical instruments on Youtube?

Still, the origins of this blog name have been much debated.  Careful reader Delmore Matzen from Rancho Cucamonga, CA asks if there is any connection between the title and the famous line of dialog in the Sophocles’ play Philoctetes, wherein Neoptolemus cries out, “How treacherous are the ways of Gods, what is funny to them pains my groins!” This right before his brutal rape at the hands of his mother’s Mahjong group.

A good guess Delmore, but that would be a little cliché, wouldn’t it?

In truth, like all good magicians, we at WIF prefer to keep its origins mysterious, like the secret sauce on McDonald’s Big Mac whose name shall never be revealed other than the fact that it rhymes with Mousand Miland.

Though, the fact that bigboobs.org, hotcoeds.edu, barelylegal.net, and foxnews.com were all taken at the time of this blog’s creation certainly limited the possibilities.

(p.s. Dear readers, please do not attempt to go to any of these sites–)

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