Archive for March, 2010

TV Fun Facts You Probably Didn’t Know

Tuesday, March 30th, 2010

Why does this man owe Ezra Pound an apology?

This weekend while doing a bit of light reading, I discovered a SHOCKING revelation about a beloved TV show and it’s main character’s catch phrase (see fact 4).  This led me to wonder what other strange pieces of TV trivia are out there that I’m unaware of.  Such as the following:

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  1. While many think that the Munsters was the first TV show to portray a husband and wife in the same bed (in 1964), a little online research will reveal that in fact the first husband and wife to share a bed were Mary Kay and Johnny in a TV series that debuted back in 1947!  There is very little we know about the show other then it’s premise: Johnny is a space alien sent to earth to impregnate a woman (Mary Kay) in an effort to corrupt the purity of the white human race. Luckily, Mary Kay is a prude who keeps faking a headaches and ends up saving the human species.  The show was wildly unpopular.
  2. The original TGIF lineup on ABC was Full House, Perfect Strangers, Mr. Belvedere, Just the Ten of Us. Of these shows, only Just the Ten of Us had a reoccurring guest role featuring a star of another ABC show, playing a fundamentalist Christian who passed out anti-evolution propaganda on college campuses with often hilarious results.
  3. The Monkeys was not the first TV-show featuring a fake, lip-syncing band. That honor goes to The Fabulous Elvis Presley Review, debuting in 1962 and featuring Elvis Presley as a kung-fu instructor with a heart of gold.  What’s that? You didn’t know Elvis lip-synced all his songs?  Surely you aren’t that naïve…
  4. The character JJ of Good Times had a catch phase, “Dynomite!” Or, sometimes, “Dy-dy-dy-dynomite!”  But did you know this catch phrase was PLAGIARIZED from the epic modernist poem The Cantos by Ezra Pound? It’s true. It’s easy to miss, but buried in Canto 154, there it is.  A little further reading shows that the show 227 is basically entirely ripped from Pound’s earlier work, Hugh Selwyn Mauberley.
  5. While many people remember the TV show CHiPs for it’s portrayal of California highway patrolmen, few remember that in the pilot episode, the show was really about the main characters Ponch and Jon’s desperate attempt to find their kidnapped adopted son.   This theme is not carried out in future episodes, but they remain the first openly homosexual couple on TV.
  6. Many remember that the TV show Gossip Girls is based on the experience of real-life high school girls in Manhattan, but few know that the actual “Gossip Girls,” were also members of a secret society dedicated to putting America back on the gold standard.  This was dropped from the TV show for the reason that the CW HATES GOLD.
  7. Most of the Real Housewives of Orange County (or NY, Atlanta, etc.), are not real housewives at all, but rather CGI animated simulations.  While they aren’t particularly realistic looking, they do a better job of remembering their lines than most “reality” TV stars.

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Some Ad Agencies of Which I Know

Tuesday, March 23rd, 2010

Continuing our ongoing series with yet another gem from the madvertising world:

What does this lion have to do with draftfcb? The answer will disturb you.

DRAFTFCB

In Short: If you liked Foote, Cone & Belding, one of the oldest ad agencies in the United States, with its roots stretching all the way back to 1873, you’ll absolutely love Draftfcb, formed by merging Foote, Cone & Belding with Draft, an agency that no one had ever heard of.  For years, Foote, Cone & Belding hung its hat on the Levis account—an account they held from approximately 300 BC to around 1998.  The post-Levis world has been a strange place for FCB, and led to some interesting moments, such as the vastly unpopular decision to eliminate free sodas from the agency soda machine, and the curious creation of a self-promotional ad that features lions fucking.  They still do those Dockers ads though.  You remember Dockers right?

Are the people who work their crazy: You read that thing about the lions fucking above right? Because that really happened.

Policy on drinking beer at the agency: Yes, but no free soda. Sorry.

Agency Nickname: Those Guys

If you want a job there: Remember, if you’re not wearing Dockers, you’re just wearing pants.  Which is better than not wearing pants at all.  Bottom line: wear pants to the interview.

Fun fact: The merger with Draft confused many until you consider that it brilliantly allowed FCB to bypass both Fallon and Deutsch on the list of TOP ADVERTISING AGENCIES AS LISTED IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER LIST, published in 2007.

Absolutely True Story: I had my very first internship in advertising here. My first day was largely prophetic–my boss took me to my cubicle on the 2nd floor of the SF FCB’s 7-story office, dropped me off and abandoned me there for the entire day.  Too scared to leave my desk, uncertain what the rules of lunch were, and afraid of using the internet, I did nothing for 8 hours. It was torture. I was supposed to be working on the Amazon.com account, and before he abandoned me my boss said I could go check out the site, so the only thing I did all day was browse around Amazon.com and write reviews of books, movies, and CDs. This was right when Amazon first launched selling music and movies, so there weren’t many reviews. For about a month, I had written almost every non-book review on Amazon, most under aliases.  That was my 15 minutes, and it was amazing.  The internship, on the other hand, sucked.

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March Madness Inside Tips

Friday, March 19th, 2010

The starting line-up for AR Pine Bluff, possible NCAA tourney favorites.

It’s the sports gamblers favorite time of year—the NCAA March Madness tournament. True, most people have already placed their bets and entered their March Madness pools, but that doesn’t mean having a little inside info on some of the favorites to win can’t still help you. Here is the inside info on the top teams that other sports sites simply REFUSE TO PROVIDE YOU WITH:

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The Kansas Jayhawks: Everyone’s favorite to win the tourney, mostly because they are stalked with talent. Bud did you know that in many cultures the Jayhawk is considered an aphrodisiac?  For best results, pluck, boil, and apply topically to the area in need of aphrodising.

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Kentucky Wildcats: A young, talented team with the raw ability to win it all.  They’re fighters, which is fitting given they go to Kentucky, a state known for its fighting spirit.  It remains the only state not to have ceded the Civil War.  They’re just waiting…biding their time…biding their time.

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West Virginia Mountaineers:   Not to be confused with Virginia, which is not in the tournament.  A lot of people forget about this team, probably because they spend most of their time practicing in their secret layer built inside the Appalachian mountains.

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Syracuse Orangemen: Why is a school in upstate New York called the Orangemen? Not, as internet rumors imply, because they are fascinated with spray-on tan.  Rather, the name is much more literal. In the 1970s, Syracuse was the first academic institution to create a sentient fruit. Gary, the Orange who was able to express basic human emotions such as fear (of being eaten) and hope (of not being eaten).  He was the first, and only, “orange man.” Why the school goes by the plural Orangemen, when there was only one ever created? Mainly puffery and arrogance.

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Duke Blue Devils: The team everyone loves to hate. They have a great chance this year because of their controversial strategy of always playing with six players on the court. How do they pull this off? The sixth player is invisible. That’s why people hate Duke so much.

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AR Pine Bluff Golden Lions: As of this writing, the AR Pine Bluff Golden Lions, set to face Duke in the opening round have NOT YET BEEN ELIMINATED!  That’s right Golden Lion fans, there is hope still. As their website implies, ARPB is dedicated to: building a new social organism that will accommodate racial, ethnic and cultural pluralism in a manner that will enhance health of the nation. They have named this social organism BLOBO and he is said to be, currently, nine feet tall, made mostly of a green Jello like substance, and surly.

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Georgetown Hoyas: There is only one reason Georgetown won’t win it all and that’s that they lost in the first round. If only I had read this before picking them in my pool to make it to the final four.

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Advertisement May Finally Have Worked

Tuesday, March 16th, 2010

For years, advertisers have desperately tried to find evidence that their advertising does something.  Most research is painfully disappointing, showing no clear correlation between ads and  actual results.  But now, finally a breaking story on an AD CAMPAIGN THAT WORKED.  This is really good news.  For years, we’ve struggled to establish even the most simplest correlation, and now they’ve finally done it.  Anti-smoking groups have not only proven this ad works, but they were able to determine the exact amount of people (and not just people, teenage girls) it got to start smoking!  Amazing.  A happy day for advertisers everywhere.

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Practical Super Powers

Friday, March 12th, 2010

Being able to fly or run the speed of light would be great, but it’s hardly realistic based on what we know of physics. Here are some super powers that are not only useful in certain respects, but also possible given the universe.

  1. Immunity to irony
  2. Ability to resist altitude
  3. Jelly bean eating (in large quantities)
  4. Ability to run the same speed forward and backwards
  5. Allergicness to penicillin
  6. Laser eyes (see here)
  7. Tennis shoe purchasing (being extraordinarily good at it)
  8. Incredible technology adaptation rate
  9. Anger (power to have it)
  10. Not having to use the AC in cars at high temperatures
  11. Immunity to science
  12. Immunity to laser eyes
  13. Immunity to certain movies with Don Cheadle
  14. Knowing how to play bridge (and being under 65)
  15. Really liking tomatoes

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Some Ad Agencies of Which I Know

Tuesday, March 9th, 2010

Another in an ongoing series.  Luckily, as more agencies fail every day, I get increasingly closer to my goal of mocking all of them until I desperately crawl back to one, begging for a job and hoping their HR people don’t read this blog.

Potential Weiden employees after looking Dan Weiden in the eyes.

WEIDEN AND KENNEDY

In short: Perhaps the last, great independent agency, Weiden & Kennedy may be the most revered creative shop in the world. Headquartered in Portland, Oregon, and famous for their Nike work, including the famous Just Do It campaign, the agency was founded by two former opium-dealers, Dan Weiden and David Kennedy.  Legend holds  that when Dan Weiden and David Kennedy die, the agency will burst into bright orange flames, then disappear into a plume of yellow smoke, killing everyone who works there.  That’s only part of what makes working there challenging.

Are the people who work their crazy: Oh yes.

Policy on drinking beer in the office: Always.

Agency nickname: Achoo! (it’s an inside joke that only the copywriters who work there get)

If you want a job there: Do not, under any circumstances, look Dan Weiden in the eyes. You will turn to stone and also not get the job.

Fun fact: The agency was the focus of an, at times, unflattering book, Where the Suckers Moon, which shows the agency’s failed relationship with Subaru.  When the book first came out, Dan Weiden took it in stride saying it was a “cute read,” but later, when everyone had forgotten about it, Weiden had the book’s author, Randall Rothenberg, shot and stuffed. His head now sits on a mantle in the sitting room of one of Weiden’s country homes and visitors are encouraged to rub it for good luck.

Absolutely True Story: While I’ve never worked there, this agency more than any other is responsible for my ill-fated flirtation with advertising. When I was in college, planning on a life as a newspaper reporter, a copywriter from Weiden And Kennedy came to our class and told us about his job.  He lived in Amsterdam and, according to him, spent his days drinking beer, smoking pot, and dreaming up crazy ad ideas for the best brands in the world. In short, he assured us, it was the most awesome thing ever.  Upon hearing this, I set my heart on working in advertising.  I would only learn later that this copywriter was in fact a cyborg created with the sole purpose of duping young people like me into working in advertising.  I should have known because he demonstrated some key cyborg traits such as not understanding human emotions and occasionally shooting people with his laser eyes (though all Weiden employees get laser eyes after the first year, so this in itself, is not a reliable cyborg-predictor).

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Friday Links

Friday, March 5th, 2010

Some are saying the internet is in a slump right now, and it’s true that the last few weeks have been below the high standards the web has set.  Maybe it’s time to admit that February 2003, also known as the BEST MONTH EVER for the internet is not coming back. Let’s just enjoy what we have and move on…

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Where SuperBowl Ads go to Die

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Target Shoppers Mock Wal-Mart Shoppers

(while poor Kmart shoppers no longer exist)

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Stewart on “:Fair and Balanced”

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Ghosts of Presidents Past

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I knew this happened

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Wizard! You shall not pass!

(just was thinking of this classic scene from Extras)

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Muzak Attacks Oregon DMV employees

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How to Avoid the Flue (a Sure-Fire Guide)

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

Now that flu season is basically over, I thought it would be a good idea to review some COMMON SENSE ways to avoid the flu in all its forms.  Many say that the best way to avoid the flu is simple things like washing your hands and getting a vaccination.  These people are FOOLS and if they don’t die from the flu, they certainly are going to die of something.

In fact, as research has shown, obsessive hand cleanliness is mostly ineffective against the flu.  As for vaccines…well, if a former Playboy model and star of Singled Out can’t convince you that vaccines cause Autism, there is really no getting through to you. You are obviously immune from rational discourse.

If preventing the flu was as easy as washing your hands and getting vaccinated, it’s clear everyone would do it.  In fact, avoiding the flu is very complicated because the flu is very complicated.

First, you have to understand what the flu is.  It’s not a single thing, but rather a virus that goes by the scientific name Influenza (in the flu’s domain in latin).  In terms of intelligence, the influenza virus falls somewhere between a dolphin and a house cat, so it’s intelligent, but not super smart.  That is your first key to beating the flu—you can trick it.

The best way to trick the flu into not infecting you or un-infecting you, is to present yourself as a non-animate being, which the flu will NEVER infect.  If you have already been infected in the flu, you may want to convince the flu to leave by jumping back and forth between a hot tub and a swimming pool.  Most strains of the influenza virus find this highly annoying, and in general it will decide infecting you is not worth the trouble, unless you’re in a really nice hot tub with girls.

But these tricks are only a stop-gap measure.  The real key to avoiding the flu is to hit it where it hurts.  Specifically, in its glycoproteins.  Glycoproteins (better known as Glycos), form the base of the viral envelope the influenza is dependent on for survival. By removing this envelope from each influenza particle you encounter, you will essentially render the virus harmless.  While methods for removing glycoproteins vary, I find a magnified glass and the power of the sun to be the most effective approach.

If all that fails, remember that the flu loves to travel through the air. This is why you see people wearing doctor’s masks, but they forget that the flu can come in any open orifice on your body. A doctor’s mask simply won’t due.  You’re better off with saran wrap and duct tape.

Next week: Winter-proofing your home for dummies (hint: follow the flu steps but on your house instead of your body).

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A National Disgrace

Monday, March 1st, 2010

The United States hockey team lost to Canada in their gold medal match Sunday, embarrassing the entire nation. No, I’m not going to use this blog to make fun of Canada—that’s been done to death, plus as you may or may not know, we are insanely popular in Canada.  Instead I’m going to vent against the Americans who tricked me into caring about hockey for one game, only to lose.

Many will say it was a tremendous accomplishment (and upset), for this group of underdogs to even make it as far as they did, but since I don’t know anything about hockey, nor do I know any of the players, this argument rings false. I see no reason the U.S. shouldn’t be the best hockey team in the world, the same way someone who knows nothing about football would see nothing odd about the Detroit Lions winning the Super Bowl.

However, having now watched a hockey game from start to finish, I think I have some good insight into why this sport isn’t more popular in the U.S.  As many have pointed out, the sport just doesn’t look that great on TV. It’s too fast and hard to follow. So here are three pointers on how things could be “improved” to make hockey the next NASCAR.

  1. Get rid of the ice skates. It’s a cute gimmick, and I see why you’d want them for the winter Olympics, but the ice skates make the sport both really impossible to play, and way too fast. Just thinking of people running around on ice, slipping and falling down all the time makes me laugh. And in sports, if you can’t make them cry, make them laugh (and if you can’t make them laugh, make them drunk–the NASCAR formula).
  2. Address the “teeth” problem.  The United States is a dental-obsessed country. We’re not satisfied with having the straightest teeth in the world—we now also demand the whitest.  All hockey players are missing teeth.  If you’re going into hockey, you have to basically come to terms with the fact that at some point in the near future, your teeth will be knocked out. This is absolutely horrible.  Who in their right mind would willingly pursue a course of action that leads to major dental surgery? No one, which is why most hockey today is played by robots.  That’s a problem as people can’t relate to robots, unless they have been programmed to have human emotions or have sex with us.
  3. Add Snoopy.  This one is pretty easy.  Look at this simple formula.  People ice skating around doing leaps and tricks and things=does not draw a crowd.  People ice skating around doing leaps and tricks and things and one of them is dressed as Snoopy=huge crowd!  Snoopy on Ice is immensely popular. Just imagine him getting hip checked by [INSERT NAME OF POPULAR HOCKEY PLAYER HERE].  Now you’ve got my attention…and my heart.

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