Hungry commodities traders buying pork belly futures when they could be eating them.
With uncertainty with the Euro, uneasy economic conditions at home, and general volatility in traditional financial markets, many savvy investors are wondering where it is safe to put your money. Here are 3 smart places to maximize your yield while minimizing your risk exposure:
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Pork Bellies
On the trading floor of the Chicago commodities market, Pork Belly Futures are a common hedge for investors wanting to speculate on commodity prices. This process is both complicated, and filled with risk.
The safer option—forget the abstract futures market and put your money into actual pork bellies. They are not only tender and delicious when fried and served with BBQ sauce, but they also serve as a great asset for barter. As certain politicians have pointed out, barter is a great way to lower medical expenses, so having an ample inventory of pork bellies is a sure-fire way to turn the uncertain dollar into something with guaranteed ROI. (Note: the going rate for a standard check-up is 10 lbs of pork bellies, but market rates may differ so ask your doctor what their pork belly policy is before showing up).
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1989 Score Football Cards
If you were a kid circa 1990, you knew better than anyone that the most valuable set of trading cards ever was the 1989 Score Football cards, which included a Barry Sanders rookie card and was basically worth hundreds of dollars as a set, way more than the pathetic Topps and Donoraus rivals. Now, I haven’t checked the value of these things since 1992 when I stopped caring about trading cards, but there’s an old investors rule: A good investment is always a good investment no matter what changes occur in the market.
The great thing about 1989 Score Football Cards is that in addition to being a super smart investment, they are tons of fun! You can look at them, read the stats, have them fight your Gi-Joe action figures—it’s great. Just be sure you don’t let them go in the washing machine as that ruins their re-sale value considerably (trust me on that).
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Unbreakable Lead Vault Buried 1,000 Ft. Below the Earth’s Surface
This is kind-of a no-brainer, but it’s pretty obvious that at some point in the near future there will be a war between robots and humans and the robots first move will be to steal all our money so we can pay anyone to re-program them. The warning signs are everywhere, including a spike in robot butler attacks in Japan and a general orneriness to robotics here in the United States.
The only problems with burying your money deep below the surface of the earth are:
- What if you can’t find it once you bury it (a common problem for time capsules)
- What if underground creatures find your money and spend it?
For the first, I recommend drilling straight down under a permanent marker like the north star. For the second issue, that’s really, really unlikely as if there even are underground people, it’s really doubtful they’ll also know how to break into a an unbreakable lead vault.
