Once again, there is no technology so promising that penises won’t eventually ruin it for everyone.
Look out iPad, we will figure you out too.
Archive for June, 2010
Penises 1, Technology 0
Tuesday, June 29th, 2010McDonald’s helps Americans get much needed tertiary butylhydroquinone in their diet
Monday, June 28th, 2010Like you, I sometimes struggle to get enough tertiary butylhydroquinone (tBHQ) in my diet. While I know petroleum-based chemicals are important for keeping my body adequately fueled (if it’s good enough for my Corolla, it’s good enough for me), as a busy working professional, I often skimp on the tBHQ come meal time.
Finally, a solution from McDonald’s through their ingenious tBHQ delivery systems available in their restaurants along with delicious dipping sauces.
While of course the best thing is to consume tBHQ directly, this is the next best thing. Yum!
Arizona schools so-called predator in real predatoring
Friday, June 25th, 2010Let it be known, as it says in Leviticus–he who would eat a human shall in turn be eaten (with delicious BBQ sauce).
I think this proves AZ is more than a one-trick (illegal-immigration) pony in terms of pissing people off.
North Korean Light Comedy Makes Grain Production Funny Again
Wednesday, June 23rd, 2010
As many of you know, I’ve spent years trying to crack into Hollywood with my “light” comedy about a Midwestern grain farmer who learns how to increase his production modestly through hard work.
Needless to say, the crass Hollywood machine would rather remake cheesy 80s films than take on something actually original! It’s been frustrating to say the least. Who doesn’t like grains? And what’s better than a “light” comedy–not so much laughing that you overdo it, but just enough to deliver a satisfying, pleasant smile?
Now, I come to find my idea has already been green-lit in North Korea under the lovely title “Echo Mountain.”
It’s not surprising that North Korea is ahead of us in terms of light comedy. They are a people known for their sense of humor, such as when they pulled off that irresistibly witty famine in the 1990s.
Anyways, if you want to know what Echo Mountain is about, here’s your movie poster straight from the PNK news release:
The light comedy encourages the people to turn out in making a fresh upsurge in their work.
I’d cast one of those Twilight kids in the lead. Merchandising pretty-much sells itself…(hello McGrain Meal).
Everyone gets rejected always literally
Monday, June 21st, 2010What stands out to me in this interview with Bill Shapiro on his new book, Other People’s Rejection Letters is this claim by Mr. Shapiro:
People need to remember people have been getting rejected since the beginning of time.
Since the beginning of time? But isn’t it arbitrary to stop there–why not since before the beginning of time? Can rejection exist outside of existence? Stephen Hawking chew on that for a little.
This is the stuff of college freshman composition essays everywhere (and thus an opportunity to paraphrase the best line I ever read in a college freshman paper: “Since as far back as 3000 BC the problem of media violence has affected modern society.”)
All of which is obliquely related to my Youth Culture Trend #341: The liberal use of the word literally, where literally of course means not at all literally, best practiced by girls aged 16-20.
Working next to some eager interns at an ad agency I was once greeted with the following morning chatter:
“You don’t understand, I literally died last night I was working out so hard. No joke, I was literally unable to breathe and my heart literally stopped working. For real.”
And despite that literal death, she dragged herself into the office. Literally, the most amazing thing I’ve ever heard.
Furious Laker Fans Denied Free Burgers
Friday, June 18th, 2010
Anytime the Lakers score over 100 points and win at home, all game attendees receive a BOGO (Buy-one, Get-one) coupon to Carl’s Jr. Last night, the Lakers failed to do this, and in reaction, irate fans resorted to “hooliganism”. (The fact that they won the NBA championship was apparently of no comfort to these hungry fans–how else do you explain it?).
And then, there’s this which has nothing to do with hamburger-deprived rioters, but is undeniably awesome.
Father attacks son with lightning
Thursday, June 17th, 2010So if God sent Katrina to New Orleans to punish the homosexuals, we can explain this how exactly? I suppose even the best father-son relationships eventually devolve into lightning attacks.
(Really though, you know this will be just more fuel for anti-semites in their charge that the Jews control the weather)
Poll Reveals Depths of Advertising Banality
Wednesday, June 16th, 2010How much would you need to be paid to care about this shit?
How I’m Spending Jury Duty
Monday, June 14th, 2010Another piece of muckraking from CNN. The REAL NAMES of fictional characters. If you were curious who Patricia Reichardt is and what her relationship is to Jonas Grumby is, now you know.
Meanwhile, it’s been 3 hours and I’ve just aced the orientation exam which featured some brain-busting questions such as this:
ARE YOU ALLOWED TO REMOVE YOUR JUROR’S BADGE?
A. YES
B. NO
And this one, which I swear I’m not making up.
WHO IS THE PRESIDING JUDGE AT THIS COURT LOCATION?
A. Ben Franklin
B. John Adams
C. Judge William Clay
D. Patrick Henry
(of course the answer to both questions is B).
Back to performing my civic duty.
“Ad not a complete disaster”
Tuesday, June 8th, 2010This is the kind of praise you kill for in advertising. To do great work, for a great company. And to be recognized for it!