What Is Funny?

Parris Hilton stumps law professors with her clever cocaine possession case.  Will this one make it all the way up to the Supreme Court? If so, it would give us our first opportunity to test John Robert’s controversial assertion that “the constitution guarantees some celebrities the right to possess minor amounts of class one narcotics without mandatory sentencing, provided they are also a hotel heiress.”

That clause of the constitution, most agree, was expressly written to protect Delaware delegate Gunning Bedofrd Jr., whose niece was a notorious ne’er-do-well and heir to the famous Bedford Bed & Breakfast fortune.

I use search engines for three main purposes:

1. Seeing if I have more hits than the other Brian Diamond (the comedian) who is definitely not me, but whose marginal accomplishments are more search-worthy than my marginal accomplishments.

2. Trying to find naked people on Google Street View.

3. Answering important questions that pop into my head, such as “Do whales feel envy?”

Pretty simple stuff, and yet, somehow the fancy algorithms have failed me when it comes to getting to the bottom of this whale-envy business, as the below search results clearly show.

If search engines can’t help me answer questions like this, what good are they?

2.

You can’t eat either without getting really sick.

If you have Lou Gehrig’s disease, good news–you don’t have Lou Gherig’s disease.