Archive for the ‘An American Portrait’ Category

Hips Don’t Lie: Illegal Immigration Policy Debate Rages

Thursday, April 29th, 2010

Could this woman be an illegal immigrant? No, note the non-yellow eyes.

From where I’m sitting, in Phoenix, Az at the heart of the storm over Arizona’s new, controversial immigration law, the debate is literally raging outside my window.  (Actually, right now they’re re-painting the building across the way from me, so the debate isn’t raging so much as it’s setting up painter’s tape around the building’s windows. But after that, it’s sure to start raging again).

The law makes it illegal to be in Arizona if you are not a legal immigrant, and gives police officers the power to confront someone they suspect of being illegal and ask about their immigration status.  This has caused concern in two areas: One, does the state have the power to enforce immigration policy, or is that the business of the federal government?  Two, might it lead to racial profiling if police are expected to spot those who appear to be here illegally?

I for one find the whole uproar silly.  First, states should be allowed to do whatever they want whenever they want regardless of federal law. That’s why I firmly support certain southern states interests in succeeding from the union, and Wyoming’s long-held desire to allow people to drive on whatever side of the road they feel like it.  If the Civil War taught us anything it’s that if states get to do whatever they want regardless of federal policy, nothing bad will ever happen. That’s just fact.

The second point is more complicated. Can police use means other than race to identify “suspiciously illegal” characters? Of course, if they know what to look for.  For example, here are some traits almost all illegal immigrants share that have nothing at all to do with race:

  1. They are often shifty, not staying in one place for more than a few minutes. This is not, as some assume, a result of fear, but a biological quirk: If an illegal immigrant stands still for more than ten minutes he or she will die.
  2. Their bright yellow eyes, which have evolved to give them super night-vision
  3. The way they float when tossed into a body of water (if they sink, they were just a terrorist)

Luckily, it appears the end to the debate is in site. The pop-singer Shakira is on her way to Arizona to try and help resolve the situation. Some may wonder how a Grammy-winning singer is going to fix a problem as complex and contested as immigration, but those people don’t realize how beloved Shakira is in Arizona. She is literally a God here, with many mystery cults popping up in her honor.  This is why when AZ finally releases it’s own currency next year (getting off the dreaded dollar-standard), Shakira will be on the newly minted $3 bill.

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The Future of America

Thursday, January 14th, 2010

It’s very simple. There are only two possible futures for the United States of America (because when I say America, I hope it is obvious I don’t mean Canada or Mexico).

In the first future, our ever-increasing debt, foreign entanglements across the globe, growing class inequality at home, a shrinking manufacturing base and increased reliance on foreign imports, combined with more and more corporate-owned news dumbing down the information we receive, leading to an apathetic, uneducated voting population, in conjunction with growing climate problems from global warming and an over-reliance on foreign oil, all lead to the slow unraveling of American power, until we are forced to retract our imperial presence around the world, leading to decreased relevance globally, reducing our overall quality of life until we end up with a fragmented, largely impovershed nation, governed by a handful of wealthy families who occasionally are forced to suppress violent uprisings by retracting all of our civil liberties until we are essentially another run-of-the-mill, 2nd world dictatorship.

But that is only one possibility.

In the second future, we figure out how to recreate dinosaurs from DNA trapped in tree sap and, using creative gene splicing, create a race of super-intelligent dino-poets who lead us into a new golden age of enlightenment as we traverse the country on the backs of gentle brontosauruses, drinking honey tea, and reciting verses from Coleridge’s Rime of the Ancient Mariner.

This is all obvious.

What isn’t clear is which path we’ll take.  In truth, there is no way to know. The future is mysterious that way.

One thing that is for sure, there is no possible scenario in which current US currency will hold any value, so if ever there was a time to invest in 1992 Donoraus Baseball cards, now is that time. Luckily, I happen to have a TON  of 1992 Donoraus Baseball cards in my parent’s basement, and they could be yours for a reasonable fee.

Only serious inquiries please.

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Holiday Countdown Begins

Saturday, December 26th, 2009

It’s official, only 5 months, 2 weeks and 5 days until Flag Day!  Some important Flag Day Trivia:

  • Woodrow Wilson created the official Flag Day holiday, it its present incarnation in 1916 to commemorate the creation of the United States flags
  • Flag Day traditions include the recreation of American flags out of foodstuffs, the hoarding of nickels, and singing songs in praise of Bernard J. Cigrand, a school teacher from Waubeka, Wisconsin who held the first formal celebration of Flag Day, such as “Oh Cigrand, We Thank Thee,” and “Bernard Knows the Way (with a needle in the hay).”  Bernard J. Cigrand himself was a disciplinarian as a teacher who made is 4th grade students march up and down the banks of lake Waubeka with iron poles on their shoulders to simulate the hardship of George Washington’s troops in the Revolutionary war. He also coined the phrase “peanut allergy.”
  • Only Calvin Coolidge, Harry Truman, and Jimmy Carter have failed to officially acknowledge Flag Day as presidents.  Coolidge and Carter because of forgetfulness, Truman out of spite.
  • Attempts to make Flag Day more commercial have largely failed, but include the 1963 Coca Cola Campaign “Give a Coke and a Flag,” and efforts by the National Seamstresses Association to begin a tradition of exchanging sewing machines on Flag Day morning in 1979.
  • Flag Day occurs every June 14th, accept during Leap Years when it also occurs on April 11th.

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An American Portrait

Sunday, July 19th, 2009

small town sign

All my life, I’ve lived in relatively large cities, or at least near large cities, but secretly, I’ve wondered what it might be like to live in a small racist town.  I mean,  big cities have lots of advantages, but it can be really lonely and impersonal. In Los Angeles, you may be surrounded by 3 million people and only know 20 or 30 of them. Most people don’t even know their next door neighbors.  But it’s not like that in a small racist town.

In a small racist town, everyone knows everyone’s name, and they are sure to say high to you on the street and tell you a quirky story about their family or maybe just share a funny racist anecdote.  Everyone is a character, from the eccentric town mayor to the old guy who plays chess by the general store and hates Jews.  I know my vision of the small racist town may be idealized, but I like to believe that it still exists. We should never forget that America was founded on small racist towns—in fact, at one point almost everyone lived in a small racist town where there were no chain restaurants or books on evolution.  Of course, for a small racist town to really be a small racist town, there has to be a greasy spoon diner. You know what I’m talking about. The kind of place where you can get fresh pie or fried chicken,  enjoy a cup of coffee in the morning, or maybe a nice warm racist meal on a cold day.

Of course, nowadays, all the small racist towns are being gobbled up, what with your Walmarts and your suburban sprawl.  It still exists in Hollywood and on TV where the small racist town is alive and well (think of Gilmore Girls, for example), but does it exit in the real world?  I believe it does, though you have to search.  Real small racists towns aren’t off the freeway.  I may never actually live in a small racist town, but I can’t help wondering how my life would be different if I had? When I think of all the small town racist adventures I missed out on because of where I lived, it makes me sad.  But at least I hope, one day, to visit a really racist small town and see for myself what it is that makes America, America.

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