Once again, a bunch of financial egg-head wizards, with absolutely no background in the subtle science of astrology, have wreaked havoc on our economy by pinning their financial hopes to a constellation that even the most amateurish horoscoper knows is terribly unreliable. Obviously, for mitigating the risk in high-yield bonds, Delphinus is the way to go, or even (and I know I’ll catch hell for this) Eridanus.

But Pyxis? Really? How fucking stupid can you be?

Hungry commodities traders buying pork belly futures when they could be eating them.

With uncertainty with the Euro, uneasy economic conditions at home, and general volatility in traditional financial markets, many savvy investors are wondering where it is safe to put your money.  Here are 3 smart places to maximize your yield while minimizing your risk exposure:

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Pork Bellies

On the trading floor of the Chicago commodities market, Pork Belly Futures are a common hedge for investors wanting to speculate on commodity prices. This process is both complicated, and filled with risk.

The safer option—forget the abstract futures market and put your money into actual pork bellies. They are not only tender and delicious when fried and served with BBQ sauce, but they also serve as a great asset for barter.  As certain politicians have pointed out, barter is a great way to lower medical expenses, so having an ample inventory of pork bellies is a sure-fire way to turn the uncertain dollar into something with guaranteed ROI.  (Note: the going rate for a standard check-up is 10 lbs of pork bellies, but market rates may differ so ask your doctor what their pork belly policy is before showing up).

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1989 Score Football Cards

If you were a kid circa 1990, you knew better than anyone that the most valuable set of trading cards ever was the 1989 Score Football cards, which included a Barry Sanders rookie card and was basically worth hundreds of dollars as a set, way more than the pathetic Topps and Donoraus rivals.  Now, I haven’t checked the value of these things since 1992 when I stopped caring about trading cards, but there’s an old investors rule: A good investment is always a good investment no matter what changes occur in the market.

The great thing about 1989 Score Football Cards is that in addition to being a super smart investment, they are tons of fun! You can look at them, read the stats, have them fight your Gi-Joe action figures—it’s great. Just be sure you don’t let them go in the washing machine as that ruins their re-sale value considerably (trust me on that).

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Unbreakable Lead Vault Buried 1,000 Ft. Below the Earth’s Surface

This is kind-of a no-brainer, but it’s pretty obvious that at some point in the near future there will be a war between robots and humans and the robots first move will be to steal all our money so we can pay anyone to re-program them.  The warning signs are everywhere, including a spike in robot butler attacks in Japan and a general orneriness to robotics here in the United States.

The only problems with burying your money deep below the surface of the earth are:

1. What if you can’t find it once you bury it (a common problem for time capsules)
2. What if underground creatures find your money and spend it?

For the first, I recommend drilling straight down under a permanent marker like the north star.  For the second issue, that’s really, really unlikely as if there even are underground people, it’s really doubtful they’ll also know how to break into a an unbreakable lead vault.

The late Mitch Hedberg told a joke that goes something like this:

I bought a box of Ritz crackers and on the back of the box they have all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the crackers. Put some peanut butter on there. Try it with cheese.  But I like crackers man, that’s why I bought them. It’s like, they have no faith in the product itself.

I offer this joke as prelude to an observation.  At a party the other night with many people who did not know me, I was asked repeatedly what I’m up to.  When I tell them that I’m currently studying Yiddish and poetry, the reaction was universally the same—

How interesting…(insert confused pause while they wait for me to say—haha, just kidding, I’m an investment banker!)…and what will you do with that?

My instinct is to say, ‘Well, I’ll probably speak Yiddish better and know more about poetry, that’s probably what I’ll do with that,” but somehow I’m guessing this wouldn’t satisfy the question.  Because, as we should know, the point of learning something is not to learn it—it’s to prepare you for a tangentially related career.  But I like crackers man, that’s why I bought them.

And yet, an irony emerges.  One of my inquisitors told me his own son (and his eyes moisten with pride), is off to study at Wharton Business School.  Now, dear readers, you’ll forgive me here because one of my own loyal readers as a misguided youth almost went to Wharton and perhaps some of you know people who went to Wharton or even (God forbid it!) went there yourself, so you’ll forgive me when I say that my reaction on hearing this was to start giggling uncontrollably and what a worthless endeavor this truly was.

Luckily, the proud father was too busy talking about how amazing the curriculum was and how he’s going to major in entrepreneurism (!).  But honestly my thought was, business school? (pregnant pause)…what the hell will he do with that?

Because is anything vaguer than the idea of studying business? What the hell is business? What business? The Yiddish translator, the TV writer, the astronaut, and the accountant are all involved with a business, so what magical curriculum will prepare a young mind to tackle all these disparate fields?  You might as well major in ‘Having a Job,’ since majoring in business reveals your curiosity toward the world does not extend beyond this goal. You could take such amazing classes as, “Stuff you do at different jobs,” and “How to enroll in direct deposit,” and “Is giving up our company eye insurance in favor of pet insurance a good deal?”  (from experience, no).

What you learn in business school, it might as well be Yiddish for what good it will do you in “business.” Okay, maybe an exaggeration, but I do know a little bit about what I’m talking about—I was a business minor after all.  And in answer to your question, I haven’t done shit with it.

ADDENDUM: Of course, since my University-subsidized writerly life is coming to an end soon, I basically have 9-12 months to figure out what I really am going to do with…uh…that. MBA maybe?

Today, we go through some investing tips for those looking to bulk up their portfolio in a down market.  Remember that smart investing begins with research—that’s why I’ve spent the last 23 minutes researching MANY of the companies listed on the various stock-exchange thingies so that you don’t have to.  With that, here are my BUY, SELL, and HOLD recommendations for the week.

Let’s start with BUY.  I am definitely recommending buying stock in Baskin-Robbins, a company whose recent Ice Cream Cake advertisement combines the brilliance of being extremely annoying, with the usefulness of only telling us things we already know (Baskin Robbins sells ice cream cakes!).  This is just what this company needs to skyrocket to record profits in the next quarter. Unfortunately, through my in-depth research on who owns Baskin-Robbins, it looks like buying stock in the company may prove tricky—here’s its corporate history:

Baskin-Robbins was owned by the founders until purchased in 1967 (just prior to Burt Baskin‘s death) by the United Brands Company (United Fruit). In 1972, the company went public for the only time in its history when United Brands sold 17% in an IPO. A year later (1973), the British food company J. Lyons and Co. purchased Baskin-Robbins from United Brands and all the public stock. J. Lyons then merged with Allied Breweries, becoming Allied-Lyons in 1978. Allied-Lyons then merged with Pedro Domecq S.A. in 1994 and became Allied Domecq. Baskin-Robbins, Togo’s, and Dunkin’ Donuts now comprise Dunkin’ Brands, Inc. Dunkin’ Brands was part of Allied Domecq until its purchase in 2006 by a group of private equity firms – Bain Capital, Thomas Lee and The Carlyle Group

So, based on this, I recommend calling up this Thomas Lee guy and asking him to buy stock in his company. That’s how you invest like a smart investor.

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As for my SELL recommendation.  Dump your shares of Chevron Inc.  While gas prices continue to rise, there are never any convenient Chevrons wherever I drive. It’s like they came up with a strategy to always be positioned on the least convenient side of the street no matter which way you are heading! I don’t know how they pulled this off, but I believe this strategy will fail.  I buy about $60 worth of gas a month and right now Chevron is getting literally 0% of this.  Over 1,000 years, that equates to a loss of roughly $720,000.  If there is someone like me in each of the 50 states, that means a loss of 36 MILLION DOLLARS, or, put another way .2% of their annual profits!  Ouch.  Sell, sell, sell!

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For my HOLD recommendation, I am going with Sprint Nextel Corp. which per a very trusted source has yielded the best return in 2009.  So if you have this stock, you definitely want to hold onto it.  The real question is what to do if you don’t have the stock and you want to follow my advice and hold onto it. I’m actually in this boat.  Here’s the plan. I would call Sprint Nextel and tell them that at the start of 2009 you ordered 10,000 shares of Sprint Nextel stock but you never received it. Then, they’ll look up your customer record and say they never received any order or maybe they’ll just inform you that you that stock is traded on a secondary market and not purchased directly from a company over the phone.

In any case, you should start yelling at the person and tell them you know they’re just some 11 year old kid at a phone bank somewhere outside the slums of Calcutta.  They’ll be polite but say you’re wrong. It’s important at this time that you continue screaming and berating the person until they pass you along to a manager. Repeat the same process with the manager until you get passed along to whoever manages the manager.

At this point, you should have everyone pretty fed up with you so it’s time to make your second offer. Ask for a free Sprint Nextel shirt instead or your original request for 10,000 shares of stock. They’ll almost certainly send you one. If you’re ballsy, ask for a mousepad.  Then, all you have to do is hold onto this shirt and watch it appreciate in value. I have an MCI Worldcom Shirt in my closet right now that is probably worth triple what it cost in 1996 when I got it.

Happy investing everyone.