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Odd Winter Olympic Events

Thursday, February 18th, 2010

Person doing good at luge for unknown reasons

There are many winter Olympic events that are peculiar—curling and the biathlon are two of the favorites in the category of Olympic oddities—but to me the Luge remains one of the most mysterious.

On its surface, the Luge appears to be nothing more than a guy on a small sled, sliding down a crazy, waterslide-like course that’s very icy and fast. I’m not sure what makes a good luger vs. a bad luger, and what’s more, I’m particularly confused as to how someone gets into luging in the first place.

At what point does a person decide, “Hey, you know what I think I’d be really good at? Sliding on my back down a long track of ice.” How do luge coaches identify potential talent? Do they hang out watching young kids sledding and then approach one: “Kid, I won’t lie–you’re an amazing sledder. How’d you like to do this for a living?”

Because I don’t know what makes a good luger, and because I’ve never done it, it is possible that I too could have been an Olympic luger. My body is pretty aerodynamic, which I feel is key, and I’m good at lying down. It seems like I have everything one needs to be successful. If someone had even tried to encourage me, who knows where I might be right now? Flying on my back at 80 mph to the cheers of the crowd, though when you’re sliding on your back at 80 mph I don’t know if you can actually hear any cheers.

In my ignorance, the Luge is an arbitrary sport—the equivalent of shoving rocks down a mountain side to see which one will hit the bottom first. As proof of this, listening to the commentary the other day, it was clear the announcers had NO CLUE as to whether any individual luger was doing well or not until they made it to the bottom:

Oooh, a little high on that turn. He’s very sloppy coming out of his breaks. You can see he’s losing a lot of speed by not maintaining his lie. And there’s another high turn there—he just doesn’t seem to have it. Lots of drag here and coming down the stretch and…he did it! GOLD MEDAL RUN! Amazing!!!

Based on the logic of the Luge, I’m really hoping my new, invented sport will eventually catch on. It’s called PLOWZING and it basically entails going up to the top of a very difficult ski run, and then falling down it. Points are assigned based on speed and volume of snow displaced, and based on the few times I’ve gone skiing, I’m really good at it.

Tags: luge, winter olympics
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What is Real?

Tuesday, December 22nd, 2009

The conventional wisdom goes something like this: At first, there was standard TV, largely dominated by formulaic sitcoms and hour-long dramas. Then, Reality TV started taking over around the turn of the century, and from that point on, it’s been “bye-bye” traditional sitcom, hello people you’ve never heard of eating bugs.

Reality TV (or as its producers prefer to call it—Unscripted TV—though both labels are equally misleading), offers an opportunity to indulge our voyeuristic impulses, while adding a dimension of unpredictability—without scripts, who knows what will happen.

In a traditional TV sitcom, it is unlikely that, for no good reason, the two co-stars will just sleep with each other, unless this is an integral plot point that’s been developed over many weeks. But in Reality TV, one night boozing and suddenly there’s a three-way in the shower. One of the things that makes “real life” drama so satisfying is the knowledge that it’s unscripted, which means there is no limit to what salacious things can happen. And just knowing they are (sort-of) real, gives it all an extra kick of intrigue.

And Reality TV is a lot cheaper to produce. Making it, so very attractive to networks.

All of which seemed to imply the days of the two act sitcom were at an end. And good riddance right, because if you’ve seen one episode of Family Ties, you basically can predict how any future episode will end (with the possible exception of when Alex gets hooked on diet pills-even Jesse Spanos didn’t see that coming).

But now, a funny thing has happened. As producers have discovered some of the limits of reality (i.e. it’s boring), they’ve become more and more, shall we say, “hands on” in shaping/editing/(scripting) storylines for so-called reality TV shows, so that now, watching an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians (see previous blog post for explanation of why I would ever dream of doing this), I realized that it wasn’t reality TV that is displacing traditional sitcoms—it’s actually the other way around.

In other words, Reality TV is now more scripted, more formulaic, more predictable, than so-called “scripted” programming, employing the kind of conventional plot resolutions that make Leave it to Beaver look unpredictable and edgy.

Case in point, in the Kardashians episode I watched, Kris (the mother), gets her hand on some herbal male-enhancement pills from a friend. She decides to sneak them into her husband’s coffee to “spark” their love life. Having done this, she starts coming on to him and they engage in a lot of extremely long, love making sessions (all implied because we only see the closed door with the kids one by one knocking on it, asking when they’ll come out, until in a comic scene-ender, the dad slides his credit card under the door and tells them to go shopping).

Then, of course, comes the twist. One morning, Kris’s son accidentally gets the coffee meant for the dad with the herbal pill slipped into it. A few hours later, he has an erection that won’t go away (tee-hee). He has to be rushed to the doctor’s office. The doctor asks him if he’s taken and ED medication, which he has but he doesn’t realize it, so he says no. So they plan on sending him to the hospital for more tests, confused about why this could be happening.

This forces Kris to finally admit what she’s done in front of the whole family in the waiting room of the hospital. The husband and son are furious at the deception, but Kris explains that she only did it to rekindle their love life, and the husband explains that it wasn’t the pills that rekindled their love life, it was the fact that Kris was more amorous because she thought the pills would make him more interested in sex.

The misunderstanding is buried at a family dinner with some light humor and the episode wraps (there was a B story line too, equally formulaic, but that’s for another time).

I’m thinking if this storyline were proposed for a show like, Two and a Half Men, a show that is fairly formulaic (see my amazing spec of the show for an example of how formulaic works), it would have been dismissed as preposterous. But because it’s “reality” TV, they can get away with it. Kind of.

Which all leads to the conclusion that it’s only a matter of time before we get laugh tracks on reality TV shows and disclosures indicating that “Keeping Up with the Kardashians was filmed before a live, studio audience.”

And patient readers, I promise, no more Kardashians in this blog from here on out. Unless I get a job writing for the show…

Tags: reality tv
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I Could Totally Do That Late Night Smackdown: Results

Sunday, July 12th, 2009

Okay, the results are in from the Late Night Smackdown, where I took on the kings of Late Night TV and their writers in a certified joke-off. Things stacked pretty nicely in my favor as Kimmel, Fallon, and Ferguson were on re-runs, thus swiftly reducing the field by 60%. As expected, however, both Conan and Letterman hit the Palin resignation theme pretty consistently throughout the week. Palin is undoubtedly easy joke fodder–perhaps too easy as for the most part, everyone hit the same notes. So let’s see the results–I present a sample from both Conan and Letterman alongside my own effort, then declare the winner.

conan_o_brien-150x150 Conan lead off with Palin indirectly, after tying it into Obama’s trip to Russia. Obama in Russia. Palin resigning–it’s one of those situations where the joke is too obvious not to write. (note that these aren’t exactly word for word, but close enough–we’re not electing a Minnesota Senator here):

President Obama is in Russia for a historic trip. Yeah, he went to Russia because from there you can see Sarah Palin cleaning out her office in Alaska.

I’m sure you saw this–Sarah Palin shocked the world by resigning as governor of Alaska. Republicans aren’t sure who will fill that role, but they’re in talk with several of the Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Sarah Palin apparently polled her children on whether she should resign or not and the count was unanimous. Even her children thought she was in over her head.

David Letterman waited until the very end of his monologue on Monday to address the Palin resignation. Given the Letterman-Palin history, he didn’t have to say much to get laughs from his audience:

President Obama is in Russian and we know this because Sarah Palin says she can see him from her house.

Surprising announcement–Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin is stepping down. (Off the applause) Something I said?

A lot of people do this when they step down, you know, the;y blame the media. Today, as a matter of fact, Sarah Palin was up in a helicopter shooting Wolf Blitzer.

Before Palin decided to quite, she called Dick Cheney. This is great because, when you want advice on strategic maneuvers, you go to the architect of the Iraq war.

And as a reminder, here is my entry. Critics will say the competition isn’t really fair since I get to spend all weekend cherry picking the one joke and topic I want to write about whereas the writers on these shows have to put together 5, 1 hour shows worth of content. But are those writers also trying to learn Yiddish too? I think not…so hak mir nit kein tshainik already.

Surprising news this weekend. Sarah Palin stepped down as Governor of Alaska after only 2 1/2 years on the job. While some see this as a blow to Palin’s 2012 presidential aspirations, others see it as proof that she can deliver on her controversial campaign pledge to complete her first four year term as president in only two years.

In justifying her departure, Palin said that “only dead fish go with the flow.” And she would know–you get a really good look at what happens to dead fish when you’re shooting them from your helicopter.

And the results: The “see Russia from Alaska” jokes were too easy not to make, so it’s not surprising they found their way onto both Conan and Letterman. I like Conan’s twist on Palin’s kids not believing in her either. Letterman gets the biggest laugh from his “something I said” aside, but that’s something only he could pull of givent he circumstances. In the end, the field seems pretty even, so I’m declaring the winner as the only joke that actually made me laugh out loud–and that would be…

Scott. Our loyal reader whose entry into the competition was as follows:

Palin closed her remarks by invoking a quote that she attributed to Gen. Douglas MacArthur: “We are not retreating. We are advancing in another direction.” Some have speculated whether this quote was hinting at a future presidential run. It has since been confirmed that her and her family are planning to attack Russia.

I like the joke because it manages to do what is so hard with a Palin joke–take her words and make them more ridiculous than they originally were. Too often, Palin is both premise and punchline. The joke is almost redundant. Here, we take what is really a stupid thing to say, and find a sideways punchline that is even stupider.

But even if I didn’t win, a top 4 finish aint bad.

Tags: I Could Totally Do That
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I Could Totally Do That: Late Night Smackdown

Sunday, July 5th, 2009

It’s time for another addition of the I COULD TOTALLY DO THAT, LATE NIGHT SMACKDOWN, where I prove that I could totally write jokes for late night TV by taking on the top Late Night shows in a head-to-head jokeoff. As loyal readers will know, my record in this ongoing competition speaks for itself (2 wins, 36 losses, and 1 tie).

For those new to this blog, the game is pretty simple. First, we pick a topic certain to make it through the late night monologue circuit. In this case, Sarah Palin’s decision to step down as Alaska’s governor ought to do the trick. Next, I write a monologue joke in the style of your typical Late Night TV show and see if my joke is better than (or identical to) what turns up on late night TV. Here are the rules:

I will offer my best “joke” on the Palin resignation below (okay, it’s a 2-in-1 joke actually). Please note that “best” and “joke” are both relative terms.
Over the next week, I’ll try my best to watch as many of the major late night TV shows as possible, and listen to their Palin jokes (this process is somewhat limited by both the bandwidth of my DVR and my 10:45 bedtime).
On Sunday of next week, I’ll report what I deem each show’s best effort, and declare a winner based on my a process that is at least as objective and fair as an Iranian election.
Bonus points if my joke is exactly the same as one of the late night jokes.
As always, readers are welcome to enter their own jokes in the comments section, though I may (and probably will) edit them to make them look a lot less funny than mine.

So with that, let’s play: I COULD TOTALLY DO THAT, LATE NIGHT SMACKDOWN. Here is my entry:

Okay.

Now, let’s meet the field of competitors (Clockwise from Upper Left): David Letterman, Conan O’Brien, Jimmy Fallon, Me, Jimmy Kimmel, Craig Ferguson. May the best joke(s) win.