Even now I’m having a hard time…finishing…blog…entry…so distracted by…sex drive…and also…my insatiable appetite for…complex carbohydrates…which my body CRAVES…at least every few hours or so…to turn into energy…or store as fat…so biological… oh god…complex….carbohydrates…mmmm.

People need to remember people have been getting rejected since the beginning of time.

Since the beginning of time? But isn’t it arbitrary to stop there–why not since before the beginning of time? Can rejection exist outside of existence? Stephen Hawking chew on that for a little.

This is the stuff of college freshman composition essays everywhere (and thus an opportunity to paraphrase the best line I ever read in a college freshman paper: “Since as far back as 3000 BC the problem of media violence has affected modern society.”)

All of which is obliquely related to my Youth Culture Trend #341: The liberal use of the word literally, where literally of course means not at all literally, best practiced by girls aged 16-20.

Working next to some eager interns at an ad agency I was once greeted with the following morning chatter:

“You don’t understand, I literally died last night I was working out so hard. No joke, I was literally unable to breathe and my heart literally stopped working. For real.”

And despite that literal death, she dragged herself into the office. Literally, the most amazing thing I’ve ever heard.

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Chad: Hello, I want to congratulate you on your recent graduation.

Me: Thank you.

Chad: And I want to tell you about our new Senior Gift program we just started–

Me: You’re going to give me a gift?

Chad: Excuse me?

Me: The Senior Gift–I hope it’s not a pen holder. I already have one.

Chad (now realizing it’s a joke, going off script: Oh, ha ha. No. (back on script). Our Senior Gift program is to help students out who may need financial help with books that keep getting more expensive–

Me: Sure.

Chad: And tuition and living expenses.

Me: Yup.

Chad: So can we count on your support?

Me: Sure, I support you.

Chad: Great. So can we count on a gift of $100 for the Senior Gift Scholarship?

Me: Uh, I don’t think so.

Chad: Or whatever amount you’re comfortable with.

Me: Dude, I graduated with an MFA in poetry. I don’t donate to scholarships, I apply for them.

Chad: Oh. Well–

Me: Well.

Chad: Well, congratulations. What do you plan on doing with that MFA?

Me: Have a good night Chad.

You got the SH46. I flew those with the T56 or T53–I don’t remember which. I used to work on those TS85s with about 1400 horsepower. They produce a lot of horsepower. And then there’s the T701 which is made by GE where all you have is a gear box, compressor, and hot section, it’s all the size of, say, your seat. And we build them so you can upgrade them. The Israelis put stinger missiles on the wing and, you see that spot down there? That little silver thing we’re flying over? They could, if that was a stinger missile and they fired it at us right now, we’d be dead in–I don’t know, 5 seconds.

That last part was a little disturbing and I kept my eye on the little silver thing he had been pointing to from 35,000 feet up as we flew past it as close as I could. If there were Israeli’s armed with stinger missiles down there, they held their fire.

As we were landing, this guy drained his 3rd Bloody Mary (mind you, it’s a one hour flight), and pointed to a ridge of rocks (at least as near as I can tell that’s what he was pointing to) as we were coming in over Phoenix, and said to me: Would you look at that? God bless America.

I kind-of knew what he was talking about, because just as he said that I realized that NADA was the answer to 49 down (zilch),  thus completing the Southwest Airlines Magazine crossword puzzle.

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Dear Kimmy,

Well, another year has come and gone. I was just saying to Michelle the other day, it’s amazing how much Malia and Sasha have grown since last Christmas. Obviously, for all of us it’s been a roller coaster of a year. Winning the presidency was totally awesome (especially because it was in a democratically held election, hint, hint).  The economy has pretty much sucked all year, but hey, at least we don’t have mass starvation like you guys! LOL. 

BTW, in answer to your last letter, no, we haven’t been watching Dexter, but I understand it’s great. Gotta catch up on DVD because I don’t get showtime.  I’m always telling Michelle we should get it, but she says we’d spend all day watching TV if we did and besides, the cable companies totally rip you off for premium channels. Time for DIRECTV anyone? ROTFL. Of course, I can only imagine how crappy the cable packages are in NK—I mean, do you even get Versus?  Probably not seeing how there aren’t even street lights in NK!!! OMG I couldn’t imagine.

Anyways, just wanted to wish you and your concubine a really happy, healthy holidays.  If you got that bottle of 70 year-old scotch I sent, please, please, please enjoy it in moderation. We worry about you Kimmy. Really, maybe you should take up some exercise? This pilates thing looks like it might be for real.  Just FYI.

Also, don’t blow up the world. I know your country doesn’t really use any of it, but the rest of us kind-of are enjoying it.

KIT. TTYL.

XOXO

Barack O.

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Young Guy: I guess I don’t have a favorite gun.

Fat Guy: You gotta have a favorite gun. You’re a military guy, right?

Young Guy: Reserve.

Fat Guy: That’s like me.

Young Guy: You were in the reserves?

Fat Guy: No. I was in a local, uh, militia I guess you’d call it.

Young Guy: Oh.

Fat Guy: Not the bad kind.

Young Guy: No.

Fat Guy: You know Timmothy McVeigh?

Young Guy: Huh?

Fat Guy: Oklahoma City bomber?

Young Guy: I’ve never been to Oklahoma City.

Fat Guy: (inaudible)

Young Guy: I like the 32.

Fat Guy: You ever fire those monolithic bullets?

Young Guy: We only use m-gage or penetrators.

Fat Guy: I love the 10mm

Young Guy: Yeah, I love the 10mm.

Fat Guy: It’s like…it’s like a smooth, very smooth. Like a baby. You know?

Young Guy: Huh?

Fat Guy: I have a friend you know, he caught one of those monolithic bullets in the face.

Young Guy: Oh man. Awesome.

Fat Guy: Yeah.

Young Guy: That’s awesome. What did he say? I mean, he must have been pissed.

Fat Guy: Naw, he just died. Died on impact. His face was all…blown apart.

Young Gun: Monolitihic wouldn’t do that. Must have been a full metal jacket.

Fat Guy: No, no, monolithic. It was pretty close range.

Young Guy: I’d be pissed.

Fat Guy: You’d be dead.

Young Guy: I don’t know. Maybe.

Fat Guy: It’s the thing about a sledge hammer. You have a big sledge hammer right and it can do more damage you think. But a small sledge hammer has greater velocity. It’s physics really. There’s a big difference between velocity and energy.

Young Guy: They serve pretzels yet or what?

Fat Guy: They’re cutting out the pretzels. What about lead bullets?

Young Guy: Can you melt a lead bullet? I think you can.

Fat Guy: Yeah. You know, I mean,  what about the 44 magnum?

Young Guy: That’s a gun.

Fat Guy: Yeah. You said it. I kind of wish I had a gun right now.

Young Guy: Me too.

Fat Guy: I don’t know why, but I wish I had that, if I could choose a gun.

Young Guy: Yeah.

Fat Guy: Well.

Young Guy: I’m sorry about your friend. And his face.

Fat Guy: Ah. He was an asshole.

Young Guy: I wish they gave out pretzels on the plane. Not just peanuts.

Fat Guy: Fuckers. It’s like that president of ours–

Young Guy: Don’t get me started.

Fat Guy: I won’t. But it’s like that. Just like that.

This week we take on the (YAWN!), Sotomayor Supreme Court confirmation hearings, which are about as dry as Jon Cleese at an Oscar Wilde convention.  That is, they were that dry…until now! (added language in BOLD).

The following are excerpts from the official transcript for the Sotamayor confirmation hearing:

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“You said that, quote, you would hope that a wise Latina woman with the richness of her experiences would reach wise decisions. … So tell us, you’ve heard all of these charges and countercharges, the wise Latina and on and on. Here’s your chance. You tell us — you tell us what’s going on here, Judge?” asked Sen. Patrick Leahy, D-Vt lustily.

___

“I think it’s consistent in the comments I’ve quoted to you and your previous statements that you do believe that your backgrounds will accept — affect the result in cases, and that’s troubling me. Don’t you think that is not consistent with your statement, that you believe your role as a judge is to serve the larger interest of impartial justice?”  offered Sen. Jeff Sessions, R-Ala douche-bagedly.

___

“As you know, judge, the landmark case of Griswold v. Connecticut guarantees that there is a fundamental constitutional right to privacy as it applies to contraception. Do you agree with that? In your opinion, is that settled law?”  probed Sen. Herb Kohl, D-Wis, fisting a ham and pastrami sandwich nostalgically.

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“If a holding in the Supreme Court means it is settled, do you believe that — that Gonzales v. Carhart, upholding the partial-birth abortion ban, is settled law?” quizzed Sen. Orrin Hatch, R-Utah anti-semiticly.

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Does the Constitution authorize the president to not follow parts of laws duly passed by the Congress that he is willing to sign that he believes are an unconstitutional infringement on executive authority?” mused Sen. Dianne Feinstein, D-Calif giggling impishly.

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“Do you believe that the Supreme Court overstepped their constitutional authorities when they went beyond the words of the Constitution, in other words, to the word purpose, and thus expanded the ability of government to take an individual’s private property?” Sen. Charles Grassley, R-Iowa, asked fondling himself despondently.

President Obama is set to sign into law a new bill that would  further regulate the sale of tobacco products. I was surprised to learn that Phillip Morris had a major hand in crafting the bill, which could look from a certain perspective like a little bit of a conflict of interest.  Then, notes from a high-level meeting with Phillip Morris executives were leaked, showing just how “hands-on” the company has been in crafting this bill.

Pretty shocking stuff. Here’s the transcript:

——————————————————————————————————————————–

Office Meeting, 11:30 am. Conference Room.

Executive 1: Okay, let’s start pie in the sky. The ideal tobacco legislation would look like–

Executive 2: A koala bear.

Executive 3: What if it was illegal not to smoke?

Executive 4: Speaking of legislation, what about passing a law that makes it illegal to touch all the apples in the produce section and then not buy any of them?

Executive 2: Or what about people talking on cell phones in restaurants?

Executive 5: That is soooooooo annoying.

Executive 1: As part of the legislation, it looks like they are proposing banning color advertisements in stores.

Executive 2: Our color printer is always out of ink anyways–

Executive 5: That’s because someone keeps running off color copies of his kids’ t-ball games.

Executive 3: I only did that once.

Executive 4: Does anyone else think it’s really, really cold in here?

Executive 5: I’m wearing a sweater under this sweater.

Executive 6: I dozed off their for a moment. Are we still talking about the summer BBQ?

Executive 1: What do we think about regulating the amount of nicotine in cigarettes?

Executive 2:  If regulate means putting more in, I’m in favor of it.  Our focus groups show people hate it when we put less in.

Pizza Delivery Guy: Did someone order a pizza?

Executive 1: Try the second floor.

Pizza Delivery Guy: I did, they said to talk to you.

Executive 4: I bet it was R&D. They always eat lunch in.

Executive 6: Let’s keep it. I’m hungry.

Executive 2: Anyone catch Conan last night?

Executive 3:  How long did we book this conference room for?

Executive 6: Why do people even bother with pineapple pizza?

Executive 1: Hmmmm…it looks like they also want to restrict advertising.

Executive 3: Good. I hate dealing with our advertising department. They throw things.

Executive 4: Coffee sounds good right now.

Executive 1: Here’s a philosophical problem. If the warning label on a pack of cigarettes must be sized in an inverse relationship to the surface area of the pack, so that the smaller the surface area, the larger the warning size, then is it possible for God to invent a pack of cigarettes so heavy even he cannot lift it?

Executive 5: Now I’m too hot.

Executive 6: Coffee sounds good right now.

Executive 4: That’s what I just said.

Executive 2:  Did we book this conference room until 12:30?

Executive 5: Is there even such thing as God?

Executive 3: What about waterproof cigarettes? So you can smoke underwater?

Executive 4: Who turned on the air? It’s freezing in here.

Executive 1: Any last thoughts on the bill?

Guy from the R&D Department: Hey, we ordered a pizza an hour ago. Have you guys seen it?

—-End of Transcript—-