Now that flu season is basically over, I thought it would be a good idea to review some COMMON SENSE ways to avoid the flu in all its forms. Many say that the best way to avoid the flu is simple things like washing your hands and getting a vaccination. These people are FOOLS and if they don’t die from the flu, they certainly are going to die of something.
In fact, as research has shown, obsessive hand cleanliness is mostly ineffective against the flu. As for vaccines…well, if a former Playboy model and star of Singled Out can’t convince you that vaccines cause Autism, there is really no getting through to you. You are obviously immune from rational discourse.
If preventing the flu was as easy as washing your hands and getting vaccinated, it’s clear everyone would do it. In fact, avoiding the flu is very complicated because the flu is very complicated.
First, you have to understand what the flu is. It’s not a single thing, but rather a virus that goes by the scientific name Influenza (in the flu’s domain in latin). In terms of intelligence, the influenza virus falls somewhere between a dolphin and a house cat, so it’s intelligent, but not super smart. That is your first key to beating the flu—you can trick it.
The best way to trick the flu into not infecting you or un-infecting you, is to present yourself as a non-animate being, which the flu will NEVER infect. If you have already been infected in the flu, you may want to convince the flu to leave by jumping back and forth between a hot tub and a swimming pool. Most strains of the influenza virus find this highly annoying, and in general it will decide infecting you is not worth the trouble, unless you’re in a really nice hot tub with girls.
But these tricks are only a stop-gap measure. The real key to avoiding the flu is to hit it where it hurts. Specifically, in its glycoproteins. Glycoproteins (better known as Glycos), form the base of the viral envelope the influenza is dependent on for survival. By removing this envelope from each influenza particle you encounter, you will essentially render the virus harmless. While methods for removing glycoproteins vary, I find a magnified glass and the power of the sun to be the most effective approach.
If all that fails, remember that the flu loves to travel through the air. This is why you see people wearing doctor’s masks, but they forget that the flu can come in any open orifice on your body. A doctor’s mask simply won’t due. You’re better off with saran wrap and duct tape.
Next week: Winter-proofing your home for dummies (hint: follow the flu steps but on your house instead of your body).
Twix: There is something about the ix ending that is irresistible to packaged food producers. Trix, Twix, Kix. Okay, so there’s only three examples. But that’s a lot considering there are no real words in the English language that end with ix. That I can think of now.
Snickers: In the original ad campaigns, this was presented as a way of satisfying your hunger when you don’t have time for a meal. As in, don’t eat a meal, just eat this candy bar. I think it’s painfully clear what that says about us as a culture.
Milky Way: Our galaxy is a fascinating place, full of unknown wonders. More to the point, when dropped in a swimming pool, this candy bar looks remarkably like a dookie.
Butterfingers: A perfect symbol of the old Marxist dilemma: No matter how hard you try to conatin the delicious taste of peanut brittle in a candy bar, as soon as you bite into it it will break into pieces all over your nice new shirt.
Three Muketeers: There is no French novel so sacred that we can’t also eat it.
Oh Henry: Why isn’t this candy bar popular? Chocolate, caramel, fudge, peanuts. Then you read the fine print: no nougat. This is a nougat country, and don’t you forget it.
Mounds/Almond Joy: What confused me is you’d think Mounds would have nuts in it. But of course Almond Joy has the nuts and Mounds just has coconut. So what are the mounds? Mounds of what?
