What Is Funny? » Quick Hits

Robots hate us.

Brian — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 23:02:47 +0000

I’ve been saying for a long time that robots hate us. They hate us because we have human emotions and that drives their cold, heartless robot bodies crazy. But apparently, I am not the only one to fear and despise robots. As far back as 1932, people were warning about robot shiftiness.

Which brings up an interesting related point. Remember that game Gyromite for the Nintendo with the robot? Did anyone ever successfully get that game to work? All my stupid Nintendo Robot would do was shake back and forth like he was trying to swing a hula hoop around his robot waist.

Notes from Mexico

Brian — Fri, 08 Jul 2011 18:25:31 +0000

Is the Cancun airport the whitest place in the world? I honestly believe there are more Spanish speakers right now at the Starbucks next to my home than the entire Cancun airport.

Royal Wedding Update

Brian — Fri, 29 Apr 2011 16:38:52 +0000

As best I can tell, newlywed Rob Schneider did not attend the royal wedding. More on this story as it develops.

Rob Schneider Wedding Mirrors Rob Schneider Movies

Brian — Tue, 26 Apr 2011 17:01:53 +0000

In that nothing funny happens for about 90 minutes, then he ends up with a woman way too hot for him.

More bad career advice

Brian — Wed, 13 Apr 2011 16:59:18 +0000

First they said those drunk pictures of you making love to a pinata on Facebook would hurt your job chances, now not sharing enough online is going to stunt your career?

In response to this, I am announcing my bold, new, career advancing plan to tweet my Social Security Number one digit at a time over the next nine weeks. Hint, the first number is a prime number less than 7 but greater than 3.

Franco abandons Twitter (by extension, all of us)

Brian — Mon, 04 Apr 2011 21:13:11 +0000

If you tweet a twitter and James Franco doesn’t hear it, do you in fact still exist? Maybe, but what’s the purpose. I’m as filled with existential angst as Spain was when James Francos’ grandfather Francisco abandoned them by dying.

12-year-old modifies theory of relativity

Brian — Fri, 25 Mar 2011 00:00:34 +0000

So this kid is updating Einstein. I did the same thing when I was his age. My modification: rather than E=MC-squared, I suggested that E=McDLT, equating energy with the at-the-time wildly popular “hot stays hot,” “cool stays cool” McDonald’s sandwich.

My conclusion: needlessly complicated styrofoam packaging and assembly instructions for a fast food burger=total deliciousness.

This fall’s fashion: Terrorist Chic

Brian — Mon, 21 Mar 2011 17:44:06 +0000

Why does this magazine hate America?

Okay, so Al Qaeda is launching its own version of Cosmo magazine. A bit redundant really, since the original Cosmo as I’ve always maintained is, and always has been, a thinly veiled Jihadist rag.

“Best New Sex Position that will Rock His World?” Then you read the article and realize the “sex position” is submissive chastity and the “his” is Allah.

Pro thief wacks fish

Brian — Sat, 19 Feb 2011 00:38:06 +0000

You know you’ve been robbed by a pro when they take out all witnesses.

Two people you’ve never heard of break up

Brian — Tue, 18 Jan 2011 17:19:11 +0000

Must be a slow celeb gossip day. January Jones and Jason Sudeikis have broken up. I think they are an insurance broker and landscape architect respectively.