What Is Funny? » Quick Hits

Finally video games protect women’s virginity too

Brian — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 16:12:15 +0000

Love of computer games help keep another young man "pure."

It’s about time they figured out how to use video games to keep teenage girls abstinent–after all, gaming has been keeping guys sex-free for years now.

Cupcake maker misunderstands Lesbian slang

Brian — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 17:49:02 +0000

You want men to eat cupcakes so I guess you immediately think “lesbian?” Here’s a quick marketing tip: calling your cupcakes Butch will not necessarily make guys like them.

Am I the only one who didn’t even realize there was a stigma for men eating cupcakes? After all, who is more masculine than Captain Cupcake?

Parents’ dream of making babies materialistic and shallow one step closer to reality

Brian — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 16:39:39 +0000

Designer diapers are the new rage. Finally, shitting on yourself is cool again.

Robot Cat Army One Step Closer to Reality

Brian — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 18:04:47 +0000

Those who discounted my frequent warnings that robot cats would eventually destroy humanity take note. The future is now.

Discovery of sea monster proves my theory that oceans are terrifying

Brian — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 17:13:11 +0000

Extinct for 12 million years? Or is that just what they want us to think…you know the tricks sea monsters play.

Penises 1, Technology 0

Brian — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 21:50:32 +0000

Once again, there is no technology so promising that penises won’t eventually ruin it for everyone.

Look out iPad, we will figure you out too.

McDonald’s helps Americans get much needed tertiary butylhydroquinone in their diet

Brian — Mon, 28 Jun 2010 16:51:31 +0000

Like you, I sometimes struggle to get enough tertiary butylhydroquinone (tBHQ) in my diet. While I know petroleum-based chemicals are important for keeping my body adequately fueled (if it’s good enough for my Corolla, it’s good enough for me), as a busy working professional, I often skimp on the tBHQ come meal time.

Finally, a solution from McDonald’s through their ingenious tBHQ delivery systems available in their restaurants along with delicious dipping sauces.

While of course the best thing is to consume tBHQ directly, this is the next best thing. Yum!

Arizona schools so-called predator in real predatoring

Brian — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 22:39:29 +0000

Let it be known, as it says in Leviticus–he who would eat a human shall in turn be eaten (with delicious BBQ sauce).

I think this proves AZ is more than a one-trick (illegal-immigration) pony in terms of pissing people off.

Father attacks son with lightning

Brian — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 23:14:59 +0000

So if God sent Katrina to New Orleans to punish the homosexuals, we can explain this how exactly? I suppose even the best father-son relationships eventually devolve into lightning attacks.

(Really though, you know this will be just more fuel for anti-semites in their charge that the Jews control the weather)

How I’m Spending Jury Duty

Brian — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 18:45:52 +0000

Another piece of muckraking from CNN. The REAL NAMES of fictional characters. If you were curious who Patricia Reichardt is and what her relationship is to Jonas Grumby is, now you know.

Meanwhile, it’s been 3 hours and I’ve just aced the orientation exam which featured some brain-busting questions such as this:

ARE YOU ALLOWED TO REMOVE YOUR JUROR’S BADGE?

A. YES

B. NO

And this one, which I swear I’m not making up.

WHO IS THE PRESIDING JUDGE AT THIS COURT LOCATION?

A. Ben Franklin

B. John Adams

C. Judge William Clay

D. Patrick Henry

(of course the answer to both questions is B).

Back to performing my civic duty.