What Is Funny?

Since as early as 2003 I’ve been frustrated with the fact that basic household appliances have literally no access to the internet. So when I’m in the middle of toasting some bread and suddenly need to know the origins of pumpernickel, I am forced to laboriously reach for my cell phone to look up this info.

Soon, this may be a problem of the past as finally debuting at CES, the annual electronics convention, are appliances that allow me to keep my milk cold and tweet at the same time.

The future is now.

Welcome to 2011 with a brand new bit of poetic spam, taken straight from the spammy comment section of this very blog. Enjoy!

Nice, is preparing once again

to your blog, it has been my month.

This is very good, that is, content

to wait for so long. I need

a full transfer of this writing

a piece of my university,

it exactly the same.

This app business seems to be for real.  And if I know anything about tech, it’s that when something is hot, it will always be popular and not a fad at all. So here are the five new i-phone apps I’m looking to create:

1. Lap App: Keeps track of how many laps you have swum in the pool. Highly recommended to pair with the Waterproof App.
2. Fresh Prince App: Vibrates every time a re-run of the Fresh Prince of Bel Air is about to air in whatever cable zone you are in. Note: This one is a bit of a battery drain.
3. Drop-me not: Send you a text message moments before you are about to do something that puts your phone in a high risk situation where it is likely to be dropped, such as trying to fish the car keys out of your pocket with your elbow when carrying groceries home in the rain.
4. App App: Provides list of nearest place for enjoying happy hour appetizers and/or apples.
5. Sir-Spams-Alot App: Automatically forwards the numbers of any incoming callers to advertisers so your friends and family can get signed up to receive valuable marketing messages in the convenience of text message form. People might be annoyed at first, but when they’re getting 10% off their next window treatments with the purchase of an equally valued area rug, they’ll thank you…and your wonderful app.

If you plan on visiting our wonderful planet, we recommend avoiding flying over Israel. They are lovely people, really, just not so welcoming.

According to wiki-leaks, NK wanted Eric Clapton to perform as future Beloved Leader and Inventer of Rainbows Kim-Jong Chol is a huge fan.  More proof, as I’ve always argued, that Clapton is a pinko-commie North Korean spy and all his songs, in one way or another, are subversively about socialist agrarian reform and the nobility of mass poverty.

Jim Davis has apologized for an “ill-timed” cartoon that, if you squint at it, might have made fun of Veteran’s Day.  But where’s the apology for the fact that Garfield has not been funny since I was 10? I mean, how do you get over 30 years of material out of three jokes:

• Garfield is lazy and hates Mondays
• Garfield likes lasagna
• Jon is bad at dating women

If we’re honest, we know that Garfield is, and always has been, a poor man’s Heathcliff.

If Pot becomes legal, on the one hand we can finally be free of the Al-Capone, prohibition-style drive-by murders that, according to this dude, dominate the underground pot trade (note to self: beware of shady figure in pin-stripe suit  and bowler hat that hangs out on the corner eating Little Debbie Snack Cakes all day), but on the other hand, college freshman everywhere will be robbed of their favorite topic to write about. To say nothing about the gaping hole left in college newspaper editorial pages everywhere. Legalize it…but at what cost?

Hopefully the drinking age stays at 21, or all hope is lost.

It’s so expensive to get someone to unclog your sink or re-grout your kitchen tile, but bargain-hunters take note: you can find great deals on craigslist!

This gentleman only wants a massage as payment, and he says you don’t even need much massage experience!

Kate Perry got kicked off sesame street for showing too much cleavage. Ok, her outfit is a little racy for Sesame Street, but is it worse than the Big Bird accidental nipple of 1997? I doubt it.  Really, the worst thing about her performance is the terrible, terrible acting. You call that playing tag Katy?  It’s not good when Elmo is more believable than you.

If they celebrate Christmas in Harry Potter, does that mean they believe in Jesus? Was Jesus a wizzard or a muggle?

Also, if the universe is infinite and so is time and all things are not only possible and probable, then does that mean that Tom Cruise is right…eventually?

And if how you decorate you cubicle really does reflect on your identity, what does it mean that my cubicle is filled with pictures of the guy who used to work there before me because I’m too lazy to take them down and besides, he seems like a fun guy that likes BBQing and making funny faces with groups of people holding up beer bottles?

And finally, if the lottery took all the money they spent on advertising and used it to buy lottery tickets instead, wouldn’t that be a smarter investment because they would get guaranteed sales and, if they won, they’d get all their money back?