What Is Funny?

Parris Hilton stumps law professors with her clever cocaine possession case.  Will this one make it all the way up to the Supreme Court? If so, it would give us our first opportunity to test John Robert’s controversial assertion that “the constitution guarantees some celebrities the right to possess minor amounts of class one narcotics without mandatory sentencing, provided they are also a hotel heiress.”

That clause of the constitution, most agree, was expressly written to protect Delaware delegate Gunning Bedofrd Jr., whose niece was a notorious ne’er-do-well and heir to the famous Bedford Bed & Breakfast fortune.

I use search engines for three main purposes:

1. Seeing if I have more hits than the other Brian Diamond (the comedian) who is definitely not me, but whose marginal accomplishments are more search-worthy than my marginal accomplishments.

2. Trying to find naked people on Google Street View.

3. Answering important questions that pop into my head, such as “Do whales feel envy?”

Pretty simple stuff, and yet, somehow the fancy algorithms have failed me when it comes to getting to the bottom of this whale-envy business, as the below search results clearly show.

If search engines can’t help me answer questions like this, what good are they?

2.

You can’t eat either without getting really sick.

If you have Lou Gehrig’s disease, good news–you don’t have Lou Gherig’s disease.

Love of computer games help keep another young man "pure."

It’s about time they figured out how to use video games to keep teenage girls abstinent–after all, gaming has been keeping guys sex-free for years now.

You want men to eat cupcakes so I guess you immediately think “lesbian?” Here’s a quick marketing tip: calling your cupcakes Butch will not necessarily make guys like them.

Am I the only one who didn’t even realize there was a stigma for men eating cupcakes? After all, who is more masculine than Captain Cupcake?

Designer diapers are the new rage.  Finally, shitting on yourself is cool again.

Those who discounted my frequent warnings that robot cats would eventually destroy humanity take note. The future is now.

Extinct for 12 million years? Or is that just what they want us to think…you know the tricks sea monsters play.

Once again, there is no technology so promising that penises won’t eventually ruin it for everyone.

Look out iPad, we will figure you out too.