What Is Funny?

I am not anti-technology. The cell-phone, Garmin Navigation System, and vaccinations have all led to significant improvements in my life (smoother airport pick-ups, ability to more quickly locate the nearest Dairy Queen, less small pox).

But not all technology results in a net gain in happiness.  Here for example are three technologies that have done nothing to make me happier:

1. HDTV It’s not that it doesn’t look great. It’s just, I never once remember watching TV thinking, “Man, I wish I could see this guy’s forehead sweat more clearly.” I was happy with TV. I assumed it was about as clear as can be.  Now, you watch something in HDTV and it makes regular TV look like a fifth-grader scribbled some blobby crayon-figures all over your TV screen. The bar has been needlessly raised. HDTV doesn’t make TV better, it just makes non HDTV worse.

2. Digital Picture Frames: Just because it can be digital, doesn’t mean it should be. The main problem is this–do you leave it on all the time, thus wasting electricity and keeping you up at night as it weirdly scrolls through 623 pictures of you posing in front of empty beer bottles? Or do you turn it off at night and when you go out? But if you don’t leave it on all the time, you have to remember to turn it on every day. Which is also weird because now you’re making this conscious choice to say: “Gee, I really want to look at those pictures of myself today.” So, it becomes like this constant decision making process–do you turn on the pictures today or not? Suddenly, something that took not a second of my time before is demanding precious energy from me every single day.

3. Ununspetium – When element number 117 was discovered back in January, I was stoked. I figured the target-projective combinations leading to z=117 compound nuclei would really change the way I viewed the halogen family as a whole. But to be honest, this whole element has been a huge disappointment so far. Copernicium it ‘aint.

Harvey the Seahorse says: NY Islanders getting 2.5 points at Colorado? That's a sucker-bet..

While everyone goes gaga over Paul, the future-seeing Octopus from Germany who correctly predicted every World Cup game, it’s worth remembering that this gift is not particularly unusual.

Most sea animals of even average complexity have some psychic ability when it comes to forecasting sporting events including most famously Harvey the Seahorse who could pick winners vs. the spread for any regular season NHL game and Jacob the Jellyfish who had a knack for guessing the Kentucky Derby winners, a talent that made his owner very rich until Jacob stung him to death.

Of course, the media loves nothing more than a good octopus story, so instead of context, we get sensationalism.

Anytime the Lakers score over 100 points and win at home, all game attendees receive a BOGO (Buy-one, Get-one) coupon to Carl’s Jr. Last night, the Lakers failed to do this, and in reaction, irate fans resorted to  “hooliganism”.  (The fact that they won the NBA championship was apparently of no comfort to these hungry fans–how else do you explain it?).

And then, there’s this which has nothing to do with hamburger-deprived rioters, but is undeniably awesome.

You have lost one of your senses, such as sight, or hearing

In this dream, you suddenly find you cannot see anything, or hear. Or maybe food has no taste. The dream suggests you are suffering from a lack of control in your life. Perhaps you feel powerless and literally cannot speak in certain situations or you feel blind to the miseries of the world.  Maybe you do not enjoy the taste of certain citrus fruits like you used to.  In reaction to this feeling, your senses are literally sending you a warning that they plan on shutting down in the near future. Address the situation immediately as this is not an idle threat! If you dream of going blind and do not make changes in your life, you will go blind in the near future. And you may go deaf too, just because your senses are vindictive and cruel that way.

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You are back in school and have not been attending class

This dream is common to those who have left school, and can be quite upsetting, but it always means the same thing: someone you love is going to kill you.  What your subconscious hopes is that by having this dream, you will be compelled to return to your childhood home and visit the school you went to as a child, thus giving the police a few extra days to thwart your potential killer’s plans. Why your subconscious comes up with such a convoluted warning system is just another of those evolutionary quirks.

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Your teeth are falling out or are loose

To interpret this, remember that teeth are like money, in that if you put them under your pillow, someone will give you money (or you can sell them on the internet where they are popular as a more chic alternative to ivory).  Once you understand this, the dream’s meaning is clear. While you are sleeping, someone is trying to wrench your teeth from out of your mouth. This could be a loved one you sleep with, a roommate, or a “tooth burglar,” a common bandit that slips in through the window at night and tries to steal your teeth while you sleep. Luckily, teeth are almost impossible to remove in this way, so the result is usually just mild soreness and a weird dream.

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You are at work, doing what you normally do each day and nothing interesting happens

Your subconscious is just checked out at this point. It happens.

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You show up to give a speech and aren’t wearing any clothing

You will win a great sum of money, but loose your favorite casual sweater.

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You die

A common question asked in the realm of dream interpretation: “If I die in my dream, will I die in real life?”

Yes…eventually.

Is this man really the greatest danger to runners?

A CNN headline today, boldly declares that LACK OF TRAINING is the greatest danger to runners.  In a piece of muck-raking that’s sure to remind readers of a young Upton Sinclair (not the old, sell-out Upton Sinclair who took a job writing propaganda pieces for Oscar Meyer), CNN uncovers the cause of many running injuries: not training properly.

This bombshell is sure to send shock waves through the running community, though skeptics are sure to point out some problems in the scientific backing of the claim.  Just because people who don’t train for races are more likely to be injured then people who don’t train, doesn’t mean there is a correlation between lack of training and injuries, there could be a third variable, such as gender, age, shoe quality etc. that is at work here.

Worry about running injuries all you want. The bees are just biding their time.

But the greater issue is not the faulty science, or the extreme anti-not-training bias of the report (though both are problematic), it’s the absolute falsity of the claim.  Lack of training IS NOT the greatest danger to runners.  The greatest danger to runners, as to non-runners, is METEORS SMASHING INTO THE EARTH, followed by MEGA TSUNAMIS, and BEES.

Pretty shoddy reporting CNN.

Being able to fly or run the speed of light would be great, but it’s hardly realistic based on what we know of physics. Here are some super powers that are not only useful in certain respects, but also possible given the universe.

1. Immunity to irony
2. Ability to resist altitude
3. Jelly bean eating (in large quantities)
4. Ability to run the same speed forward and backwards
5. Allergicness to penicillin
6. Laser eyes (see here)
7. Tennis shoe purchasing (being extraordinarily good at it)
8. Incredible technology adaptation rate
9. Anger (power to have it)
10. Not having to use the AC in cars at high temperatures
11. Immunity to science
12. Immunity to laser eyes
13. Immunity to certain movies with Don Cheadle
14. Knowing how to play bridge (and being under 65)
15. Really liking tomatoes

As the economy sputters along, more and more people find themselves looking for work.  This means facing the daunting task of interviewing, but there’s nothing really to fear.  With a little preparation, you can assure yourself of a great interview, and thus, a great chance at getting hired.

Here are five common interview questions, and how you should answer them to ensure yourself the best chance at landing the job:

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Question: Tell me a little about yourself?

[In general, this is a throw-away question. The interviewer just wants to hear your voice and make sure you don’t have an accent (if you have an English accent you have nothing to worry about—you will definitely get the job because we Americans find that irresistibly charming).  Probably, the interviewer is realizing that they didn’t prepare any questions for this particular interview and so they need to stall.  However, this is a great opportunity to turn the tables on your interviewer and show them you’re in control. Throw them off their game and you’ll have the upper-hand the rest of the way.]

Suggested Answer: There is no self. There is no I or you, just consciousness and our varying degrees of awareness.

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Question: What are some of your strengths?

[This may seem like an easy question and a great chance to boast about how awesome you are, but it’s a trick!  If you actually list all your strengths, you’ll sound like a pompous jackass. If you don’t have anything to say, you’ll give the impression that you have no strengths, and unless you’re applying to be the Democratic head of the Senate, that won’t get you anywhere. The key is to identify qualities the person interviewing you also has and claim these as your own strengths, so they’ll be able to relate to you. Since you probably don’t know much about the person interviewing you, I recommend keeping it general at this point.]

Suggested Answer: I am excellent at breaking down complex carbohydrates and converting them into energy. I am breathe regularly and without effort.

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Question: What are some of your weaknesses?

[Another tough question. If you answer honestly and tell them about your poor work ethic and debilitating gambling addiction, it could scare them away.  Best to think of something that will in no way impede your ability ot do your job.]

Suggested Answer: I’m not very good at refolding maps. [note, if you’re applying for a job as a Map Folder, DO NOT GIVE THIS ANSWER, no matter how true it is]

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Question: Tell me a time when you overcame an obstacle?

[Read between the lines on this one. What does the interviewer really want to know? That you overcame poverty to pay your way through school? That you had a learning disability as a child and still got a perfect score on the SATs? No, of course not. None of that would be of any relevance to your potential as an employee. They are trying to determine if you have any super powers. If so, tell them. If not, just answer honestly. There is nothing worse than being busted for not possessing the super powers you claim to have.]

Suggested Answer(s): I can defy gravity and the 3^rd law of thermodynamics. / I do not have any super powers at this time, but it’s something I’m working on.

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Questions: Do you have any questions about this position?

[At this point, you and your interviewer should be getting to know each other pretty well. By this point in the interview, you may even have taken off your shoes and propped your feet on the table, or started eating from the bowl of pistachio nuts they set out for you (if they did not put pistachio nuts out for you, now would be an appropriate time to ask for them).  So it’s okay at this point to have a little fun. Tell an amusing joke or anecdote to help show the person you’re having a good time. Laughter goes a long way in an interview.]

Suggested Answer: If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first? The brunette. The blonde would have to stop and ask for directions!

[If your interviewer is blonde, just substitute and Polack and a Jew for the blonde and brunette. If your interviewer is both blonde and Polish, trust me, YOU DO NOT WANT THIS JOB.]