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Five Common Interview Questions and How Best to Answer Them

Friday, February 12th, 2010

As the economy sputters along, more and more people find themselves looking for work.  This means facing the daunting task of interviewing, but there’s nothing really to fear.  With a little preparation, you can assure yourself of a great interview, and thus, a great chance at getting hired.

Here are five common interview questions, and how you should answer them to ensure yourself the best chance at landing the job:

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Question: Tell me a little about yourself?

[In general, this is a throw-away question. The interviewer just wants to hear your voice and make sure you don’t have an accent (if you have an English accent you have nothing to worry about—you will definitely get the job because we Americans find that irresistibly charming).  Probably, the interviewer is realizing that they didn’t prepare any questions for this particular interview and so they need to stall.  However, this is a great opportunity to turn the tables on your interviewer and show them you’re in control. Throw them off their game and you’ll have the upper-hand the rest of the way.]

Suggested Answer: There is no self. There is no I or you, just consciousness and our varying degrees of awareness.

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Question: What are some of your strengths?

[This may seem like an easy question and a great chance to boast about how awesome you are, but it’s a trick!  If you actually list all your strengths, you’ll sound like a pompous jackass. If you don’t have anything to say, you’ll give the impression that you have no strengths, and unless you’re applying to be the Democratic head of the Senate, that won’t get you anywhere. The key is to identify qualities the person interviewing you also has and claim these as your own strengths, so they’ll be able to relate to you. Since you probably don’t know much about the person interviewing you, I recommend keeping it general at this point.]

Suggested Answer: I am excellent at breaking down complex carbohydrates and converting them into energy. I am breathe regularly and without effort.

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Question: What are some of your weaknesses?

[Another tough question. If you answer honestly and tell them about your poor work ethic and debilitating gambling addiction, it could scare them away.  Best to think of something that will in no way impede your ability ot do your job.]

Suggested Answer: I’m not very good at refolding maps. [note, if you’re applying for a job as a Map Folder, DO NOT GIVE THIS ANSWER, no matter how true it is]

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Question: Tell me a time when you overcame an obstacle?

[Read between the lines on this one. What does the interviewer really want to know? That you overcame poverty to pay your way through school? That you had a learning disability as a child and still got a perfect score on the SATs? No, of course not. None of that would be of any relevance to your potential as an employee. They are trying to determine if you have any super powers. If so, tell them. If not, just answer honestly. There is nothing worse than being busted for not possessing the super powers you claim to have.]

Suggested Answer(s): I can defy gravity and the 3rd law of thermodynamics. / I do not have any super powers at this time, but it’s something I’m working on.

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Questions: Do you have any questions about this position?

[At this point, you and your interviewer should be getting to know each other pretty well. By this point in the interview, you may even have taken off your shoes and propped your feet on the table, or started eating from the bowl of pistachio nuts they set out for you (if they did not put pistachio nuts out for you, now would be an appropriate time to ask for them).  So it’s okay at this point to have a little fun. Tell an amusing joke or anecdote to help show the person you’re having a good time. Laughter goes a long way in an interview.]

Suggested Answer: If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first? The brunette. The blonde would have to stop and ask for directions!

[If your interviewer is blonde, just substitute and Polack and a Jew for the blonde and brunette. If your interviewer is both blonde and Polish, trust me, YOU DO NOT WANT THIS JOB.]

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The Strange Evolution of Vampires

Thursday, January 7th, 2010

If you are a fan of the Twilight series of books, the Vampire Diaries on TV, the Lost Boys, or just the idea of humans that live off human blood, it may surprise you to discover that this means you hate Darwin and the theory of evolution.  But it’s true!

Vampires only make sense in a world of “Intelligent Design”—from an evolutionary standpoint they simply don’t work.

First, for a creature that lives off human blood, a vampire is an extremely inefficient design.  What, for example, do Vampires need chest cavities as complex as humans? They don’t have internal organs do they? And if they do, what are these internal organs doing? Does a vampire have a full digestive track, and if so, what for? They only consume blood.  Do they have kidneys and livers and appendixes?  In reality, according to evolution, a creature that feasts off human blood should look a lot like a mosquito or maybe some kind of bat (Not sure what you’d call it. A blood-sucking bat? Who knows what the correct taxonomy is).

Next, there’s the question of how Vampires process blood and convert it into energy.  Where does the blood go when a vampire consumes it? Do vampires go to the bathroom? If so, how does this work? A human body is made to process  diverse foodstuffs into energy, from meat, to vegetables, to deep-fried covered twinkies.  To ask that same body to only process blood is an evolutionary stretch.

Finally, how are we to understand vampires coming into existence? Did they evolve from mosquitoes?  We could assume for example, that mosquitoes that look more similar to their prey could get closer to them without being seen and thus have a higher rate of survival. Over time, those mosquitoes with the most “human” characteristics—perhaps a mosquito with a beak that looks a little like a nose, or a mouth that looks a lot like Tom Selleck—have greater reproductive success until over millions of years, we get vampires.

That’s a stretch, it seems to me.  How this level of complexity was achieved through selective mutation is unclear.

You may think this critique could be made against any magical creatures, like fairies, centaurs, and werewolves.  But you’d be wrong.    These animals are perfectly consistent with evolution, and in fact are based on real animals that display similar properties (the Moon beetle, for example, transforms from a normal, peaceful beetle to a meat-eating beetle-sized rodent during full moons).

It’s no wonder you find so many anti-evolution messages in vampire faire, as in the final book of the Twilight series where Edwin marvels: “I’ve been around for millions of years and seen a lot of crazy shit, but let me tell you, we didn’t come from monkeys. “

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Happy Turkey Day

Tuesday, November 24th, 2009

Thanksgiving6

We will be taking the week off for Turkey Day, but as is our tradition, every year we provide our loyal blog readers with something to be thankful for.  This year’s thing to be thankful for is Ruthenium, atomic number 44 on the periodic table.

Ruthenium may best be known for how it oxidizes explosively when combined with potassium chlorate, but there is so much more to Ruthenium that we ought to be thankful for.

For example, thanks to Ruthenium’s ability to harden platinum and palladium, it is perfect for making wear-resistant electrical components.

A funny side note about Ruthenium is that it is often used in advanced, high-temperature single-crystal superalloys.  That may be why Ruthenium is often referred to by physicists as the “class clown” of elements.

This Thanksgiving, just think of how different the world would be without Ruthenium. And count your blessings that, apparently, there is a whole shit-ton of Ruthenium out there.  Thank you atomic element number 44!

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A Brief, Serendipitous History of Mayonnaise

Friday, November 13th, 2009

mayonnaise

Like almost all worthwhile foodstuffs, mayonnaise was not discovered, it was invented.  The who and when of mayonnaise’s invention has been the subject of much bitter, charged debate (see my essay The New Culture War: Mayonnaise and the Competing Discourses of Condiment Hegemony for more).  

The earliest, most widely accepted invention story is that mayonnaise was created during the Civil War as a last-ditch effort by southern generals to boost moral and humiliate the Union which was at  the time experiencing great anxiety over the presumed inferiority of their sandwiches.  In one story, the original intent of mayonnaise was to cure dysentery, but this is largely revisionist history, intended to belittle the importance of condiment research in the late 19th century.

Professor Rocklin of  UMass in 1973 offered a controversial new idea suggesting mayonnaise was not actually invented until sometime around the stock market crash of 1929, when Herbert Hoover dedicated himself to making the best bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwich ever created.  Per Dr.Rocklin, previous spreads passing themselves off as mayonnaise were in fact nothing more than white, odorless pastes designed to keep sandwiches from falling apart when eaten on the move. 

Even more controversial, is the work by Borris Straznofsky of the Ukraine in the late 1980s, providing convincing evidence that it was the early Mayans who invented mayonnaise, as well as Sweet & Low, breakfast in bed, and the practice amongst certain southerners to call all forms of carbonated sweet drinks “Coke.” 

Beyond its invention, mayonnaise has featured prominently in some of the most famous brunches every accomplished, including those in 1962, 1989, and 2002. 

In certain cultures, mayonnaise is thought to be lucky and is often spread liberally throughout the house to ward of bad spirits, while in other cultures it is superstitiously believed that eating jars of mayonnaise before bed will help bring about type 2 diabetes.

While many people believe the color mayonnaise is either “white” or “off-white,” in fact this is not correct. The official color of mayonnaise is, and has been for at least the last decade, “mayonnaise color” which is, incidentally, the 42nd most popular color for painting a bathroom.

There is a dark side to mayonnaise, one I will explore more completely in my upcoming essay (due out in June), “The Mayonnaise Wars: How the Mayonnaise trade Ended the British, Roman, and Hungarian Empires.”

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Letters from the Mailbag

Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009

Gina in Albequrque New Mexico writes: Why is this blog called What Is Funny when it so seldom is funny?

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We get this question a lot.  Probably one of the biggest misconceptions about this blog is that its intention is to be funny.  In fact that has never been a brand promise this blog has been comfortable delivering on.  For the most part, we prefer to dwell in the theory of comedy, that being the state at which something could or would be funny given better material and enough alcohol intake on the part of the reader.

In fact, the blog’s name may on a surface reading imply humor (as in, this blog is what is funny), but a close reading of punctuation reveals this is not a direct statement, but in fact a question of existential crisis. What could be funny in a world where more people will die of Syphilis than experience the joy of watching animals play musical instruments on Youtube?

Still, the origins of this blog name have been much debated.  Careful reader Delmore Matzen from Rancho Cucamonga, CA asks if there is any connection between the title and the famous line of dialog in the Sophocles’ play Philoctetes, wherein Neoptolemus cries out, “How treacherous are the ways of Gods, what is funny to them pains my groins!” This right before his brutal rape at the hands of his mother’s Mahjong group.

A good guess Delmore, but that would be a little cliché, wouldn’t it?

In truth, like all good magicians, we at WIF prefer to keep its origins mysterious, like the secret sauce on McDonald’s Big Mac whose name shall never be revealed other than the fact that it rhymes with Mousand Miland.

Though, the fact that bigboobs.org, hotcoeds.edu, barelylegal.net, and foxnews.com were all taken at the time of this blog’s creation certainly limited the possibilities.

(p.s. Dear readers, please do not attempt to go to any of these sites–)

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Know Your Horoscope

Tuesday, September 29th, 2009

horoscope

Aires: Good things are on your way, but you will have to wait.  While you’re waiting, bad things might happen too. It’s kind of a mixed bag that way.  Beware of falling objects, particularly when under them.  Remember that failure is a part of life, particularly when combined with ambitions to make money playing the clarinet.

Taurus: Romance is on the horizon, though heartbreak is on the vertical.  For this reason, stay low and flat. This month is a great time to pick up a new hobby, like stamp collecting or smoking.  The world is your oyster, meaning it is cold, slimy, and difficult to enjoy while driving through West Los Angeles

Gemini: Family is extremely important to you, particularly when borrowing money.  Remember that life is for the living, and those fancy towels with the white ruffles are for looking at only. Embrace your roots, but not too tightly, particularly when in the south. Your lucky number is cosine.

Cancer: Remember the wise proverb from that guy who used to work at 7-11 and always sold you day-old hotdogs for 50% off: Good luck comes to those who earn it, but then again, so does Chlamydia.  That certain special someone in your life is thinking about your tax return and when you are going to get around to filing it.

Leo: Beware the Ides of March.  The Youdes of April are no big deal.

Virgo: The planets have all aligned in such a way so that it is likely you will never be able to memorize Julius Caesar’s address to the Plebeians without giggling uncotrolably over the word “Plebian.”  Your motto: Mind over matter, but rock over scissor.

Libra: It’s time to reconnect with nature meaning your house will soon be foreclosed. Don’t sweat the small stuff like electrons.  The road to happiness begins with a single step, and also a whole lot of money.  Work on the latter first.

Scorpio: The position of Jupiter and Mercury indicate this is a great time to invest in new opportunities. Have I told you about my start-up company, Condiments Inc.? It’s a restaurant where we only serve condiments. Pretty cool huh? Call me.

Sagittarius: You put too much trust in the wrong people. A secret comes back to haunt you. You never go wrong following your heart, but don’t ignore your head. Try something new today. You have more spirit than you give yourself credit for. Beware of vagueness.

Capricorn: That sinking feeling you have deep in your stomach should not be ignored–licking the spoon is rarely appropriate when dealing with poultry.

Aquarius: Wow, there are a lot of these zodiac signs huh? Okay, uh, let’s see…uh, danger is everywhere and be careful and love for love’s sake is better than hate for hate’s sake and you get the idea, right?

Pisces: You will die. One day. And forever.

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A Joke, Its Interpretations

Monday, September 21st, 2009

groucho-glasses

Joke (Voted Funniest in the United States, 2002)

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

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One wonders many things about this man, including why he has bothered to wear a golf cap. Is he a regular cap wearer? How do we distinguish his golf cap from his tennis cap, for example? This reminds us of the famous psychological experiment in which several golf hats were put on the heads of non golfers and all agreed that they still looked stupid. But when the golf caps were put on the heads of naked women, people just became confused.

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A central issue in the joke is the funeral. For a man to golf at his wife’s funeral is not traditional.  But if we take the funeral to be symbolic of the death of capitalism, and the wife is equated with Anglo-Christian ideals, and the golf course is in fact a symbol for post-colonial racial identity politics, then we start to wonder why people think this joke is funny? It seems quite complicated for a silly joke.  Perhaps we are a lot smarter than we give ourselves credit for.

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Another point of interest is that the funeral procession is described as long. Why long?  Because the joke is pointing out the ways in which a long life is good, but a long funeral procession needlessly blocks traffic.  Thus, the moral of the joke can be seen as “Do unto others, but not always, particularly during rush hour.”

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As for the dead spouse, we can conclude with some confidence that she loved her husband very much, but was probably cheating on him with his friend, who from all subtext here, seems like one of those smart-asses you often find sleeping with other peoples’ wives.

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Though we should not be quick to jump to conclusions about the gender of the spouse. The man is gendered. The spouse is not. This sly bit of inter-textual sexuality in the joke is not lost on a clever reader, who sees this as a clear WINK at the hyper-heterosexual golf culture and its insistence that hitting little white balls with long shafts is not at least as homoerotic as  saying the word “subtext” ten times fast.

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There is here a question of numbers. The first sentence says “A man and a friend,” but in the next sentence it says “one of the guys.”  Was the friend one of the guys or are there other guys? If so, why aren’t they friends with the man? Later it seems it is one of the guys that stops his swing, but this is also the man as determined by the end of the joke.  The joke seems to be wrestling with the distinction between what is a guy and what is a man and how many of them are there and does there need to be? At what point does a man become a guy and is there any surgical procedure that can reverse this? Would it make a difference if we knew there was just one guy in the joke and rather than golfing, he was trying to teach himself to play the tuba? Would we like him less?  And what, then, would we make of the golf cap?

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Instruction Manual Outtakes from Common Household Appliances

Sunday, August 30th, 2009

microwave

Sharp 800-Watt Microwave

Do not use Microwave for non food items or for functions beyond its intended use.  Microwave should not be used as a skin tanner. You should not attempt to modify circuitry to convert Microwave into a time machine.

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GE Stainless Steel Juicer

Assembly instructions:

  1. Please insert Juice Basin Piece (see fig 1.1) into the base of the juicer
  2. Set function to preferred power level according to desired fruit consistency
  3. Display Juicer on prominent place in the counter.
  4. Plug in to turn on, then ignore.
  5. Optional: In 1-5 Years Comment: “What ever happened to that juicer we used to have?”

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Shark 14.4V Dust Buster

Warning: The Dust Buster is intended as a cleaning assistant and should under no circumstances be used as a sexual device.  Bill O’Reilly, we’re talking to you.

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Sony Universal TV Remote

To program station preferences:

  1. Select OPTION
  2. Select INPUT 2
  3. Select MENU
  4. Scroll down to CHANNEL CONFIG.
  5. Hit SELECT ALL
  6. Note, to store memory you may deselect stations that are rarely used, such as NBC.

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Whirlpool DuetSport Combo Washer/Dryer

Please note that when running the spin cycle at high temperatures, too much pressure may cause the load to explode. That’s what she said. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.  Okay, no, but seriously, be careful not to overload the washer or there may be some leakage. That’s what she said. Oh God, I’m sorry, really, I’m sorry. Oh man, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Where’s the backspace on this computer anyways?

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Environmental Friendly Light Bulb

Before screwing in, please refer to the appropriate category you belong to in order to ensure you meet the minimum number of recommended people for installation.

Aerobics Instructors: 5

Economists: 0

Bureaucrats: 2

Data Base People: 3

Gorilla: 1

Oregonians: 6

Philosophers: 3

Rednecks: 6, 3, 1, or 1

Republicans: Unknown?

Sheep: 21

Union Electricians: 16

Zen Masters: 0

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iPod Nano

If your iPod Nano is no longer holding a charge, please follow the following steps?

  1. Confirm that your charger is plugged into an active outlet?
  2. It is? Are you sure?
  3. Hmmmmm.
  4. This is a tough one.
  5. Have you checked out all the cool new ipods at your nearest Apple Store?

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Black & Decker Toaster

Dude, it’s a toaster. Stop wasting my fu#king time.

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Luffa Sponge

Warning: The Luffa Sponge is intended as a cleaning assistant and should under no circumstances be used as a sexual device. Bill O’Reilly, we’re talking to you.

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Apolgies, Corrections, & Regrets

Monday, July 27th, 2009

Over the years, this blog has made some errors and misstatements. In the excitement and rush of putting out the high level of quality entertainment we strive for, we rarely get a chance to address and correct these errors.  All of us at WIF would like to take the time to make the following corrections at this time:

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In the November 6, 1984 Blog Entry, “The Upset Kid Does It!” we mistakenly projected that Walter Mondale had won the presidential election over incumbent Ronald Regan. In fact, we spoke too soon as he lost in a landslide. WIF regrets the error.

Similarly, our follow up entry on September 13, 1986,“The Do Nothing President: Why Aren’t We Hearing More from President Mondale,” was pretty much entirely erroneous. WIF sincerely regrets the error.

In the December 12, 1988 blog entry, “Jarod Fogel is a Giant Ass,” we called 8th Grade Social Studies Instructor Jarod Fogel, among other things, an impotent ass-wipe, a Nazi sympathizer, a liar, a cheat, and a dog-humper.  We, in fact, have no evidence that Mr. Fogel at any time expresses sympathetic feelings to Nazis.  WIF really, really, truly regrets the error.

Our eight-part blog series running between October and November 1989 entitled “Welcoming the New Century: Why Flying Cars in 1993 is Definitely Going to Happen” made several minor to significant factual and predictive errors.  WIF deeply, strongly, and passionately regrets the error.

In the April 2, 1995 blog entry entitled, “Yes, Canada is a Continent,” we mistakenly identified Canada as a subject people cared about. WIF is all but ready to jump off a tall building, so filled are we with regret for the error.

The November 6, 1997 blog entry entitled, “Hey Jeff Moldowsky, you Stupid Fu*king Polak, if you Fu*ck my Girlfriend One More Time I’m going to Fu*k your Fu*king Face!” erroneously implied that Jeff Moldowsky, my old next-door neighbor, was Polish.  WIF feels pretty shitty about the error.

The March 1, 1999 blog entitled, “Why Putting Your Entire Portfolio in Dot.com Start-up Companies without Actual Business Models is a Sure-fire Way to Get Rich,” accidentally provided bankruptcy-inducing financial advice without the caveat that the entry was written by my 8-year-old autistic cousin. WIF pines with regret on moonless nights over the error.

The January 1, 2000 blog entitled, “Guess Whose Back? ” falsely implied that Walter Mondale was on the brink of a political comeback and poised to steal the White House away from newly elected president George Bush. While WIF stridently regrets the error, we also feel this wildly inaccurate fictional scenario would have been far less disastrous than the actual reality that unfolded. So our regret is, we should say, tempered.

The August 30, 2005 blog entry, “People We Like to Make Fun Of,” the last name of one Mary Buttface of 1424 SW North Dakota Street in Portland Oregon was misspelled. The correct spelling of her last name is in fact C-O-H-E-N and not B-U-T-T-F-A-C-E as was listed. WIF is filled with nauseous regret for the error.

The December 24, 2006 Blog Entry entitled, “Yes Virginia, There is a Santa Clause,” was not only contained inaccurate information about supposed proof of Santa Clause’s existence, it was also a word-for-word plagiarism of Francis Pharcellus Church’s 1897 editorial by the same name. WIF stings with a regret so deep, it radiates out of our intestines.

Finally, the January 15, 2009 blog entry entitled, “3rd Times a Charm: Why This Time Walter Mondale is The Answer,” was just really stupid. Regret is to weak a word to capture the emotion we feel.

If you find an error in the content of this blog, please feel free to e-mail it to brian.diamond@whatisfunny.net. Thank you.

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Standardized Test Where the Answer is Always C

Tuesday, July 14th, 2009

the-answer-is-not-always-c-300x250

Cleanliness is to Godliness as:

A. Pea : Pod

B. Acorn : The Tree

C. Drunk woman who yells racist epithets in her sleep and smells like moths : You on international flight

D. Mormonism : Mormonism

E. All of the above

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The guy cutting off four lanes of traffic to make an illegal left turn from the right lane during rush hour can best be defined as:

A. Impetuous

B. Ornery

C. A resident of Boston

D. Loquacious

E. All of the above

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Which of the following best defines the OPPOSITE of the word EVANESCENT:

A. Of lasting quality

B. Reminiscent of Evan

C. A useful word to know after you’ve taken the SATs

D. Something bigger than a porcupine but smaller than a weevil

E. All of the above

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7×5=

A. Avg. point spread of teams facing the Detroit Lions

B. Avg. speed given to police officers when asked “Do you know how fast you were going” in a construction zone.

C. Avg. age of guy in an 18 and over dance club

D. Avg. of two numbers of unknown quantity

E. All of the above

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What Number am I thinking of Now?

A. 1

B. 1,000,000,000

C. I’m not thinking of a number, I’m thinking of an animal and it’s a Koala Bear.

D. 42

E. All of the above

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Corey is diabetic but Casey is not. If the two were to run in opposite directions at full speed, who would find the activity meaningless first?

A. Corey

B. Casey

C. Kierkegaard

D. Corey and Casey

E. All of the Above

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If a man leaves a train station in Los Angeles heading east at 30 MPH and a woman leaves a bus station in Chicago heading south at 45 mph, and assuming both travel in a straight line, at what point will it finally be possible to travel from one end of the country to the other without having to take off your shoes at airport security?

A. 2012

B. 2014

C. 2000

D. 2015

E. All of the above

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What is the easiest way to calculate the volume of a 3D cone?

A. Calculate the area of the circle at the base of the cone, multiplied by the height of the cone

B. Find cone base area using a circle’s formula, which is (π)(r)(r). Find cone slanted area with this formula: (1/2)(s)(C). Add the results to get the total surface area. Measure the cone’s circumference with this formula: C = πd. C is circumference and d is its diameter. Measure the diameter, which is a line from the base’s one side, through its center, to the opposite side.  Calculate cone slant height from its top to its base’s side. Use your slant height and circumference measurement to calculate cone slanted area. Use step one’s formula, where “s” is the slant height, and C is the circumference. Add your results for cone base area and cone slanted area to get the total cone surface area.

C. It’s a cone. Who the hell cares what its volume is.

D. Calculate the are of a theoretical triangle that looks awfully similar to a cone, then fudge it a little

E. All of the above.

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If I Jason has five doughnuts and Casey has twice the doughnuts as Corey who has ¾ the doughnuts as Kevin who has more doughnuts than Jason, but less than Casey which of the following is a possible answer for the number of doughnuts Corey has:

A. 2

B. Several

C. Corey shouldn’t be eating any doughnuts at all. She’s diabetic. Remember from a few problems ago?

D. Any number > 5

E. All of the above

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Complete this famous open to a major literary work: It was the best of times, _____

A. Then again, try finding a parking spot in San Francisco on the weekend.

B. Until someone lost an eye.

C. But the Hardy Boys had themselves another tough mystery to solve.

D. False

E. All of the above.

To be or not to___

A. D

B. A

C. B

D. C

E. All of the above

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