The issue is addressed in the Talmud where Rebbe Eliezer debates the merits of applying the kosher laws to fictional holidays and decrees that, “It is not the place of the pig to bless its hoof,” meaning those things that are un-kosher (aluminum poles) cannot be made kosher by food alone.

Why Rebbe Eliezer thought pigs had hoofs, I’m not sure. He was not much into animals, and even though his wife nagged and nagged him to get her a dog, the closest he came was to buy her a very nice fern, which she named Gary.

Rebbe Eliezer was known as the wisest scholar in all the lands. Other Rebbes would travel to learn from him.  Once, a Rebbe from as far away as Lublin came to visit. He asked Rebbe Eliezer: “Teach me what I must know of the world?”  Rebbe Eliezer asked him to accompany him to a flowing river outside. “Gaze into the river,” Rebbe Eliezer asked.  The man did so and after many moments of silence, responded, “I see, all things are a flowing! All things are one! I understand the universe!”  Rebbe Eliezer nodded, then pushed the man into the river.  “Yes,” Rebbe Eliezer noted as he watched the man struggle to shore, “But that’s no excuse for not learning how to swim.”

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One day Rebbe Eliezer came across his people fishing at a large lake. The village was suffering a famine and they were desperate for food.  They asked the Rebbe to bless their fishing lures and as soon as the Rebbe did this, on the next cast one of the men caught a fish so large it would feed the village.  They presented the fish to the Rebbe who immediately tossed it back into the lake.  “Why have you done this?” they demanded but the Rebbe only winked and walked away. Later they would learn that he hated seafood.

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It has been said, if a man brought the Rebbe one loaf of bread, he would find in the mourning he had two.  If a man brought the Rebbe one sack of grain, in the mourning he’d find he had two.  A clever man in the village thought about this long and hard, and one day gave the Rebbe his wife.  The next mourning, the man woke up to find he was still alone in his bed.  The Rebbe and the woman meanwhile fell in love and had ten children. The Rebbe was always pulling practical jokes like that.

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If the Rebbe hated one thing it was cheats. In a game of Crazy Eights, the Rebbe noted one man was dealing from the bottom of the deck to make his hand more favorable.  The Rebbe conspired to teach the cheat a lesson so he invited him to his home in the woods.  “This is so lovely,” the cheat said upon arriving at the Rebbe’s home. “Come with me to the river,” Rebbe Eliezer suggested, “So I might teach you about the world.” But the cheat knew about the Rebbe’s habit of pushing people into rivers so he refused. “Suit yourself,” the Rebbe replied, and he walked alone to the river.  There, while wading in its current, he stumbled across a treasure of innumerable value.

Meanwhile, back at the home, the man was eaten by a bear.  “You see what happens when you cheat?” the Rebbe exclaimed. “You stop trusting. If this man had trusted me, he’d have a treasure and not have been eaten by a bear.” Of course that was only half-true as there was a bear down by the river as well that Rebbe Eliezer had planned to feed the cheat to if he came with him, but his point was still a good one.

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A: I just think we would work better as friends.

B: They that sow tears, shall reap joy.

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A:  I love you more than anything, but I’m not in love with you.

B:  Iron sharpeth iron.

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A: Something’s missing.

B: Seek and you will find.

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A: You don’t treat me like I deserve to be treated. It’s almost like you want me to breakup with you – I mean, I’ve put everything into this relationship and I don’t feel like you’re even meeting me a quarter of the way.  I wish you’d just be a big enough person to admit you don’t want to be with me if you don’t want to be with me.  But I’m sure as hell not going to be with someone that doesn’t want to be with me.

B: I have been a stranger in a strange land.

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A: I met somebody new.

B: So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts to wisdom.

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A: I need somebody who’s more mature.

B: Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath..

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A: (to be said under the hysterical high pitched tone of someone who forgetting in inhale): I hate you, I hate what your family, I hate that you don’t buy me flowers, I hate that you don’t have a job, I hate that you spend all day sitting around the house watching Wings reruns, I hate that you don’t shave for weeks on end and I hate your politics.

B: Some trust in chariots, and some in horses.

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A: You’re not very good in bed.

B: Into thine hand I commit my spirit.

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A: I don’t want to make this all emotional, so let’s just say, good-bye, okay?

B: Man that is born of a woman is of few days, and full of trouble.

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A: I never loved you.

B: Love ye therefore the stranger: for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt.

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A: Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t walk out that door and never come back?

B: When a man hath taken a wife, he shall not go out to war, neither shall he be charged with any business: but he shall be free at home one year, and shall cheer up his wife which he hat taken.

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A: I’m sleeping with your sister.

B: I have syphilis.

Once, Rebbe Eliezer fell asleep beneath an apple tree and had a dream. In his dream, he was sleeping beneath a pear tree, dreaming about sleeping beneath a fig tree which, for reasons unclear to the Rebbe, looked identical to a juniper tree.  When he woke, he found he was actually inside his living room having drank too much plum brandy, thus proving the old proverb: There are many trees in the world, but few are found inside living rooms.

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A disciple of Rebbe Eliezer, having spent four straight days and nights studying the Torah, came to the Rebbe with a probing question. “What’s with all the smiting?” he asked.  To which the Rebbe replied, “Who are we to question God? Have you ever smitted before? Maybe smiting is fun. If God wants to smite, who are we to say he shouldn’t smite. He created the Universe and everything in it—let him smite once in a while if it pleases him to do so.  Plus, have you ever been smote? My friend Gary Berkowtiz was smitted just last week and now he spends his winters in Ft. Lauderdale betting on Jai-Lai and he’s never been happier!”

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Rebbe Eliezer was famous for his sense of humor and wicked backhand. To prove this he would often smash tennis balls into the backsides of unsuspecting daveners during certain High Holiday sermons.  He also had a favorite joke which involved him hitting a student over the head with his tennis racket throughout the Passover seder.

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It is true that Rebbe Eliezer was highly superstitious. He never left the home without a handful of salt in his left pocket, and before crossing the street would hum the entire book of Leviticus to the tune of Bach’s Fuge in E minor.  One of his more peculiar superstitions was his insistent belief that when eating a meal he be spoken too only in Greek, which the Rebbe could not understand. Some say this was in homage to the Macabees revolt against the Greek empire, though others say the Rebbe was just kind-of a jerk about these things.

Rebbe Moyshe was known throughout the village of Villna for his knowledge in the matters of the heart.  A pupil of the Rebbe once complained to his teacher, “I have no luck with women. Whenever I see a beautiful young woman, I feel compelled to speak with her, but the result is always heartbreak. What can be done?”  The Rebbe contemplated the young pupil’s problem for several days, until one night he awoke with a loud “Aha!”  He summoned the pupil right away.  “Rebbe,” the excited pupil cried, “Have you found a solution?”  “Yes, yes,” said the Rebbe, “I think I have,” and with that he kicked the man in the balls.

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Rebbe Moyshe, it is said, once grew his beard down to his toes in a single week. How he did this is unknown.  Some claim he asked God to give him wisdom beyond his years. Others say he prayed each night with such intensity that the hairs around his mouth grew to the floor as a sign of respect for his prayers.  Though most agree, he probably was just wearing the fake beard he kept in his closet as it was his idea of a good joke to put on a fake beard and startle his wife.

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The Rebbe, it is written, was renowned for his insightful interpretations of Talmudic Law (most famously, THE PEOPLE VS. GLICKMAN’S BAKERY and the CAN SOMETHING THAT TASTES THIS BAD STILL BE FORBIDDEN TO EAT ON PASSOVER case).  Once, when pouring through an obscure passage of the Talmud, Rebbe Moyshe found a loophole that allowed a man to eat pork on the Sabbath so long as he not covet his neighbor’s tenderloin.  This was a revelation, though later it was discovered the passage was not authentic Talmud per se, but rather a take-out menu from a popular rib joint, which he had been using as a bookmark.

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The Rebbe was known for the many miracles he performed, including but not limited to, the Levitating Woman, Any Card/Any Number, The Coin Fold,  andThe Needle through the Thumb trick.  In one of his greatest Miracles ever, the Rebbe was able to regularly have his oil changed without being sold unnecessary air filter replacements.

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One Purim, the Rebbe having consumed too much grape wine, was rumored to have spent the night with a woman that was not his wife.  This worried the people of his village for many a long week, until one man was elected to confront the Rebbe on this grave sin. The man returned to the worried villagers with a smile on his face.  “So, is it not true then? About the Rebbe and this other woman?” the villagers asked.  “No,” said the man. “It is as we thought. The Rebbe has been with a woman that is not his wife.”  “So why the happy face? This is a terrible sin!” cried the villagers.  “Ah, but note the wisdom of the Rebbe.  The woman was not Jewish.”  The villagers were confused, until one at last asked, “But what difference does that make? To be with a non-Jewish woman is also grave sin.”  “Ah!” said the man, “But you see how clever our Rebbe is–he knows that two negatives make a positive.”  And thus the matter was rightly resolved for it is written in the Torah, One can sleep around and still keep ones day job provided one is also good at math.

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There is a saying Rebbe Moyshe was fond of repeating: It takes a wise man to learn Talmud, but even a fool can kick another man in the balls.