Potential Weiden employees after looking Dan Weiden in the eyes.

WEIDEN AND KENNEDY

In short: Perhaps the last, great independent agency, Weiden & Kennedy may be the most revered creative shop in the world. Headquartered in Portland, Oregon, and famous for their Nike work, including the famous Just Do It campaign, the agency was founded by two former opium-dealers, Dan Weiden and David Kennedy.  Legend holds  that when Dan Weiden and David Kennedy die, the agency will burst into bright orange flames, then disappear into a plume of yellow smoke, killing everyone who works there.  That’s only part of what makes working there challenging.

Are the people who work their crazy: Oh yes.

Policy on drinking beer in the office: Always.

Agency nickname: Achoo! (it’s an inside joke that only the copywriters who work there get)

If you want a job there: Do not, under any circumstances, look Dan Weiden in the eyes. You will turn to stone and also not get the job.

Fun fact: The agency was the focus of an, at times, unflattering book, Where the Suckers Moon, which shows the agency’s failed relationship with Subaru.  When the book first came out, Dan Weiden took it in stride saying it was a “cute read,” but later, when everyone had forgotten about it, Weiden had the book’s author, Randall Rothenberg, shot and stuffed. His head now sits on a mantle in the sitting room of one of Weiden’s country homes and visitors are encouraged to rub it for good luck.

Absolutely True Story: While I’ve never worked there, this agency more than any other is responsible for my ill-fated flirtation with advertising. When I was in college, planning on a life as a newspaper reporter, a copywriter from Weiden And Kennedy came to our class and told us about his job.  He lived in Amsterdam and, according to him, spent his days drinking beer, smoking pot, and dreaming up crazy ad ideas for the best brands in the world. In short, he assured us, it was the most awesome thing ever.  Upon hearing this, I set my heart on working in advertising.  I would only learn later that this copywriter was in fact a cyborg created with the sole purpose of duping young people like me into working in advertising.  I should have known because he demonstrated some key cyborg traits such as not understanding human emotions and occasionally shooting people with his laser eyes (though all Weiden employees get laser eyes after the first year, so this in itself, is not a reliable cyborg-predictor).

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Where SuperBowl Ads go to Die

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Target Shoppers Mock Wal-Mart Shoppers

(while poor Kmart shoppers no longer exist)

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Stewart on “:Fair and Balanced”

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Ghosts of Presidents Past

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I knew this happened

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Wizard! You shall not pass!

(just was thinking of this classic scene from Extras)

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Muzak Attacks Oregon DMV employees

Now that flu season is basically over, I thought it would be a good idea to review some COMMON SENSE ways to avoid the flu in all its forms.  Many say that the best way to avoid the flu is simple things like washing your hands and getting a vaccination.  These people are FOOLS and if they don’t die from the flu, they certainly are going to die of something.

In fact, as research has shown, obsessive hand cleanliness is mostly ineffective against the flu.  As for vaccines…well, if a former Playboy model and star of Singled Out can’t convince you that vaccines cause Autism, there is really no getting through to you. You are obviously immune from rational discourse.

If preventing the flu was as easy as washing your hands and getting vaccinated, it’s clear everyone would do it.  In fact, avoiding the flu is very complicated because the flu is very complicated.

First, you have to understand what the flu is.  It’s not a single thing, but rather a virus that goes by the scientific name Influenza (in the flu’s domain in latin).  In terms of intelligence, the influenza virus falls somewhere between a dolphin and a house cat, so it’s intelligent, but not super smart.  That is your first key to beating the flu—you can trick it.

The best way to trick the flu into not infecting you or un-infecting you, is to present yourself as a non-animate being, which the flu will NEVER infect.  If you have already been infected in the flu, you may want to convince the flu to leave by jumping back and forth between a hot tub and a swimming pool.  Most strains of the influenza virus find this highly annoying, and in general it will decide infecting you is not worth the trouble, unless you’re in a really nice hot tub with girls.

But these tricks are only a stop-gap measure.  The real key to avoiding the flu is to hit it where it hurts.  Specifically, in its glycoproteins.  Glycoproteins (better known as Glycos), form the base of the viral envelope the influenza is dependent on for survival. By removing this envelope from each influenza particle you encounter, you will essentially render the virus harmless.  While methods for removing glycoproteins vary, I find a magnified glass and the power of the sun to be the most effective approach.

If all that fails, remember that the flu loves to travel through the air. This is why you see people wearing doctor’s masks, but they forget that the flu can come in any open orifice on your body. A doctor’s mask simply won’t due.  You’re better off with saran wrap and duct tape.

Next week: Winter-proofing your home for dummies (hint: follow the flu steps but on your house instead of your body).

The United States hockey team lost to Canada in their gold medal match Sunday, embarrassing the entire nation. No, I’m not going to use this blog to make fun of Canada—that’s been done to death, plus as you may or may not know, we are insanely popular in Canada.  Instead I’m going to vent against the Americans who tricked me into caring about hockey for one game, only to lose.

Many will say it was a tremendous accomplishment (and upset), for this group of underdogs to even make it as far as they did, but since I don’t know anything about hockey, nor do I know any of the players, this argument rings false. I see no reason the U.S. shouldn’t be the best hockey team in the world, the same way someone who knows nothing about football would see nothing odd about the Detroit Lions winning the Super Bowl.

However, having now watched a hockey game from start to finish, I think I have some good insight into why this sport isn’t more popular in the U.S.  As many have pointed out, the sport just doesn’t look that great on TV. It’s too fast and hard to follow. So here are three pointers on how things could be “improved” to make hockey the next NASCAR.

1. Get rid of the ice skates. It’s a cute gimmick, and I see why you’d want them for the winter Olympics, but the ice skates make the sport both really impossible to play, and way too fast. Just thinking of people running around on ice, slipping and falling down all the time makes me laugh. And in sports, if you can’t make them cry, make them laugh (and if you can’t make them laugh, make them drunk–the NASCAR formula).
2. Address the “teeth” problem.  The United States is a dental-obsessed country. We’re not satisfied with having the straightest teeth in the world—we now also demand the whitest.  All hockey players are missing teeth.  If you’re going into hockey, you have to basically come to terms with the fact that at some point in the near future, your teeth will be knocked out. This is absolutely horrible.  Who in their right mind would willingly pursue a course of action that leads to major dental surgery? No one, which is why most hockey today is played by robots.  That’s a problem as people can’t relate to robots, unless they have been programmed to have human emotions or have sex with us.
3. Add Snoopy.  This one is pretty easy.  Look at this simple formula.  People ice skating around doing leaps and tricks and things=does not draw a crowd.  People ice skating around doing leaps and tricks and things and one of them is dressed as Snoopy=huge crowd!  Snoopy on Ice is immensely popular. Just imagine him getting hip checked by [INSERT NAME OF POPULAR HOCKEY PLAYER HERE].  Now you’ve got my attention…and my heart.

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BBDO

In short: One of the oldest ad agencies, founded in 1928 with the merger of Barton, Dustine, and Osborn with Batten Co.   With employees in 77 countries around the world, BBDO is one of the largest agencies out there.  BBDO is so big in fact, that on three separate occasions (1930, 1968, and 1992), it attempted to declare itself an independent nation, but in each case the movement failed do to the relative small size of BBDO’s arms stockade.

Are the people who work their crazy: In a global kind-of way, yes.

Policy on drinking beer in the office: Not encouraged, but sex okay (see below).

Agency nickname: Ole’ Oldy.

If you want a job there: Ask them about the BBDO sex tape scandal of 2008, where a video of two employees having sex in the agency went viral. They love talking about it!

Fun fact: Over the first ten years of the agency’s existence, they went through several iterations of possible names, from BDBO, ODBB, OBDB, DOBB, BBOD, OBBD, DBBO, B-squaredDO, BBDO (with the Bs reversed), before finally deciding on BBDO.

Absolutely True Story: I worked there in the last days of a collapsing department, which was awesome, but before I got the job I had the strangest interview ever. Normally, when you interview at an agency, the HR person is all nice and sweet, then you meet the team and they start hammering you.  But in this case it was the opposite. The HR Manager was a total dick, and refused to indulge in even the most benign small talk.

Me: Oh, this is a really great office. I love the design.

HR DICK: It’s actually pretty dated.

Me: Well, at least you have a great view of the city.

HR DICK: Yeah, but you get used to it.

Me: Okay, I guess.

HR DICK: So, you’re wearing a tie huh? Interesting. (as he rolls his eyes).

Me: I’m really excited about this opportunity.

HR DICK: You haven’t got it yet. So don’t be excited.

And it got worse from there.

Later, in my last week there, this same HR guy cornered me in the break room and said, without any sense of irony. “I gotta tell you Brian, of all the interviews I’ve ever conducted, you were the best. You nailed it.”

You got the SH46. I flew those with the T56 or T53–I don’t remember which. I used to work on those TS85s with about 1400 horsepower. They produce a lot of horsepower. And then there’s the T701 which is made by GE where all you have is a gear box, compressor, and hot section, it’s all the size of, say, your seat. And we build them so you can upgrade them. The Israelis put stinger missiles on the wing and, you see that spot down there? That little silver thing we’re flying over? They could, if that was a stinger missile and they fired it at us right now, we’d be dead in–I don’t know, 5 seconds.

That last part was a little disturbing and I kept my eye on the little silver thing he had been pointing to from 35,000 feet up as we flew past it as close as I could. If there were Israeli’s armed with stinger missiles down there, they held their fire.

As we were landing, this guy drained his 3rd Bloody Mary (mind you, it’s a one hour flight), and pointed to a ridge of rocks (at least as near as I can tell that’s what he was pointing to) as we were coming in over Phoenix, and said to me: Would you look at that? God bless America.

I kind-of knew what he was talking about, because just as he said that I realized that NADA was the answer to 49 down (zilch),  thus completing the Southwest Airlines Magazine crossword puzzle.

Person doing good at luge for unknown reasons

There are many winter Olympic events that are peculiar—curling and the biathlon are two of the favorites in the category of Olympic oddities—but to me the Luge remains one of the most mysterious.

On its surface, the Luge appears to be nothing more than a guy on a small sled, sliding down a crazy, waterslide-like course that’s very icy and fast.  I’m not sure what makes a good luger vs. a bad luger, and what’s more, I’m particularly confused as to how someone gets into luging in the first place.

At what point does a person decide, “Hey, you know what I think I’d be really good at? Sliding on my back down a long track of ice.”  How do luge coaches identify potential talent?  Do they hang out watching  young kids sledding and then approach one: “Kid, I won’t lie–you’re an amazing sledder. How’d you like to do this for a living?”

Because I don’t know what makes a good luger, and because I’ve never done it, it is possible that I too could have been an Olympic luger. My body is pretty aerodynamic, which I feel is key, and I’m good at lying down. It seems like I have everything one needs to be successful.  If someone had even tried to encourage me, who knows where I might be right now? Flying on my back at 80 mph to the cheers of the crowd, though when you’re sliding on your back at 80 mph I don’t know if you can actually hear any cheers.

In my ignorance, the Luge is an arbitrary sport—the equivalent of shoving rocks down a mountain side to see which one will hit the bottom first. As proof of this, listening to the commentary the other day, it was clear the announcers had NO CLUE as to whether any individual luger was doing well or not until they made it to the bottom:

Oooh, a little high on that turn. He’s very sloppy coming out of his breaks. You can see he’s losing a lot of speed by not maintaining his lie. And there’s another high turn there—he just doesn’t seem to have it.  Lots of drag here and coming down the stretch and…he did it! GOLD MEDAL RUN! Amazing!!!

Based on the logic of the Luge, I’m really hoping my new, invented sport will eventually catch on.  It’s called PLOWZING and it basically entails going up to the top of a very difficult ski run, and then falling down it.  Points are assigned based on speed and volume of snow displaced, and based on the few times I’ve gone skiing, I’m really good at it.

Here then is part 1 in a 43 part series, SOME AD AGENCIES OF WHICH I KNOW:

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Jasper, the captured Somali pirate, pre-mail room

TBWA/CHIAT DAY

In short: Formed by the merger a worldwide agency (TBWA) and a Los Angeles creative powerhouse (Chiat-Day), TBWA/Chiat-Day is one of the leading creative shops, responsible for many of your favorite ads.  They’ve brought you all those great Apple ads you love so much (and yet, you still have a PC, don’t you?).  A frequent agency of the year award recipient, their offices are super cool, with crazy architecture and indoor basketball courts and the like.  They even serve three meals a day at the agency, which is good because you will never, ever be able to leave.

Are the people who work their crazy: Yes, very.

Policy on drinking beer in the office: Mandatory.

Agency nickname: Chiat Night & Day (as in, you will be at work during these two periods).

If you want a job there: In your interview, mention you hate being outside and weekends.

Fun fact: Their mascot is a pirate, who they captured on a Somali pirate ship and forced to work in their mail room.  They are that hardcore.

Absolutely True Story: One of my first agency jobs was at a building near Chiat Day’s. I had a friend who had just started there and we’d always plan to have lunch, but each time she’d have to cancel because she was too busy at work. One day, we decided to just eat lunch there at the restaurant housed inside the agency.  After going through the incredibly, high security screens needed to get into the agency, we met and went to the Chiat Day cafe.  We got our meal (I think it was microwavable burrito day), and went to this part of the agency known as Central Park, which is designed to look like you’re outside, with fake trees and a pebble/gravel surface.  After a few minutes, one of her coworkers came up to her.

“Where the hell have you been? We’ve been looking all over for you!” he said.

She explained that she’d been right here, where he was now talking to her, eating lunch.

“You know,” he chastised, “If you have to eat lunch, you could at least do it at your desk.”

So she went back to her desk to work and eat, while I ate alone in this strange outdoor cafe. People walking by gave me so many dirty looks that after a few minutes I packed up my food, drove back to my own agency and ate at my desk.

But aren’t those hilarious Mac ads worth it?

As the economy sputters along, more and more people find themselves looking for work.  This means facing the daunting task of interviewing, but there’s nothing really to fear.  With a little preparation, you can assure yourself of a great interview, and thus, a great chance at getting hired.

Here are five common interview questions, and how you should answer them to ensure yourself the best chance at landing the job:

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Question: Tell me a little about yourself?

[In general, this is a throw-away question. The interviewer just wants to hear your voice and make sure you don’t have an accent (if you have an English accent you have nothing to worry about—you will definitely get the job because we Americans find that irresistibly charming).  Probably, the interviewer is realizing that they didn’t prepare any questions for this particular interview and so they need to stall.  However, this is a great opportunity to turn the tables on your interviewer and show them you’re in control. Throw them off their game and you’ll have the upper-hand the rest of the way.]

Suggested Answer: There is no self. There is no I or you, just consciousness and our varying degrees of awareness.

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Question: What are some of your strengths?

[This may seem like an easy question and a great chance to boast about how awesome you are, but it’s a trick!  If you actually list all your strengths, you’ll sound like a pompous jackass. If you don’t have anything to say, you’ll give the impression that you have no strengths, and unless you’re applying to be the Democratic head of the Senate, that won’t get you anywhere. The key is to identify qualities the person interviewing you also has and claim these as your own strengths, so they’ll be able to relate to you. Since you probably don’t know much about the person interviewing you, I recommend keeping it general at this point.]

Suggested Answer: I am excellent at breaking down complex carbohydrates and converting them into energy. I am breathe regularly and without effort.

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Question: What are some of your weaknesses?

[Another tough question. If you answer honestly and tell them about your poor work ethic and debilitating gambling addiction, it could scare them away.  Best to think of something that will in no way impede your ability ot do your job.]

Suggested Answer: I’m not very good at refolding maps. [note, if you’re applying for a job as a Map Folder, DO NOT GIVE THIS ANSWER, no matter how true it is]

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Question: Tell me a time when you overcame an obstacle?

[Read between the lines on this one. What does the interviewer really want to know? That you overcame poverty to pay your way through school? That you had a learning disability as a child and still got a perfect score on the SATs? No, of course not. None of that would be of any relevance to your potential as an employee. They are trying to determine if you have any super powers. If so, tell them. If not, just answer honestly. There is nothing worse than being busted for not possessing the super powers you claim to have.]

Suggested Answer(s): I can defy gravity and the 3^rd law of thermodynamics. / I do not have any super powers at this time, but it’s something I’m working on.

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Questions: Do you have any questions about this position?

[At this point, you and your interviewer should be getting to know each other pretty well. By this point in the interview, you may even have taken off your shoes and propped your feet on the table, or started eating from the bowl of pistachio nuts they set out for you (if they did not put pistachio nuts out for you, now would be an appropriate time to ask for them).  So it’s okay at this point to have a little fun. Tell an amusing joke or anecdote to help show the person you’re having a good time. Laughter goes a long way in an interview.]

Suggested Answer: If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first? The brunette. The blonde would have to stop and ask for directions!

[If your interviewer is blonde, just substitute and Polack and a Jew for the blonde and brunette. If your interviewer is both blonde and Polish, trust me, YOU DO NOT WANT THIS JOB.]

“I watch the Superbowl for the ads!” a girl next to me at the Superbowl party I was attending announces, unwittingly repeating one of the biggest pieces of advertising propaganda.  The idea that millions of people tune into a sporting event just to watch the ads, is an idea invented by advertisers themselves, and while it was never ever true (most research shows people ignore Superbowl ads at the same rate as other ads—if not at a higher rate due to the clutter of the game), people still believe it to be true, and this almost makes it true.

Because the Superbowl ads now get tons of attention, and even when an ad is airing that people have previously seen (and ignored), when it’s on the Superbowl, they give it unnecessary respect.  “Ooooh, the etrade babies are on!” someone else says, shushing us so he can hear this ad that runs six billion times a day.

In truth, the Superbowl is a huge waste of money for advertisers, but most feel compelled to participate because it’s a machismo thing—a sign that your company is a big spender (or a soon-to-fail dot.com).  And, while we may temporarily give the ads a lot of credit, they almost always suck.

Here then are the top 5 Superbowl ads per one source (FoxSports), and why, in truth, they suck:

1. Betty White Snickers Ad.  The joke is old people getting tackled. It’s an old joke. That it’s Betty White makes it more funny, but here’s the problem: Snicker’s target audience is teenagers and young people who don’t know who Betty White is (let alone Abe Vigoda). So the people who will find this ad the funniest are the people least likely to buy Snickers.  Plus, do we really need such a complicated effort to cell a candy bar? It’s a candy bar. We get what it does.
2. Coca Cola Simpsons Ad.  A real, simple problem:  it’s not funny (which to be fair, is no different than the show these days).  If anything, it’s a sad reminder that a show once known for being edgy has totally, completely sold out.
3. Hyundai Brett Farve Ad.  When your ad is really nothing more than a rip-off of a Sears ad (playing with Brett Farve being old and his refusal to retire), you’ve got problems.
4. TruTV Punxatawney Polamalu.  Here’s how this ad came into being. Some creative at some ad agency figured out the special effect. Then spent five years trying to find a way to get it into an ad, regardless of if it made sense for the brand (and what the hell is being advertised here anyways?).
5. Bud Light Lost Ad. Maybe this one would have been funny if I actually watched Lost, which I’m told this ad is a rip-off of.  In any case, it comes down to this: Bud Light spends six trillion dollars each year on Superbowl advertising, and they are the best selling light beer. But riddle me this: is Bud Light the best selling light beer because of their Superbowl ads, or do they run ads on the Superbowl because they’re the bestselling beer?

If there’s one ad I thought was pretty decent, it would be the Green Police Ad for Audi, though I secretly suspect most people won’t get the joke because they really believe people trying to get them to not kill the planet are like the Green Police.

Also, in the same category as Snickers, I question why Doritos tries so hard every year. They always have crazy, trying to be funny ads that cost millions upon millions. I don’t even get why Doritos has an ad agency–promoting this product couldn’t be more simple. You’re a chip.  Half the chip-aisle is Doritos. You don’t need crazy gimmicks. Just show us the bag of chips on TV for thirty seconds and our fat-asses will buy it.