What Is Funny?

I can hardly believe that today, in the year 2011, there are still people who don’t know how to order a sandwich at Subway. I mean, it’s been the same basic process with a few modifications for at least 20 years.  And there are Subways in seemingly every country, all of which are the same. I’ve been to Subway in Japan, New Zealand, Argentina, and it’s all the same drill.  But, in case you are like the lady in front of me in line yesterday, here are a few tips to make the ordering process easier.

First, there are 4 main steps to the Subway order. Depending on how busy your Subway is, these steps may be done by a single person, or as many as 6 different people. In either case, the steps are the same:

1. In the first step, you will be required to say what kind of sandwich you want (Turkey, Veggie, Pulled Pork etc.), on what kind of bread (yes, they have many kinds–if you are frazzled, you can say Wheat or White and they’ll understand), with what kind of cheese.  You also will have the option to either have your sub toasted or not at this stage (in New Zealand, they’ll ask if you want it fresh or toasted).  This is all the info you should provide here. Don’t want mayo on your sandwich? Fine, but the person in step one doesn’t give a shit about that.
2. Stage two is where you pick your veggies. Maybe this will be divided into two subgroups, with the first stage being the first vegetables and the next stage being the last vegetables. While it may seem reasonable to ask, “what comes on this sandwich?” particularly if you are ordering a special sandwich, like the previously mentioned (and I can only assume disgusting) Pulled Pork.  Sadly, that’s not how it works at Subway. You get to/have to make all the choices so if you say “Olives” there will be olives on your pork sandwich.  I’ve tried to say “make it like it is in the picture,” but this causes confusion. You’ll just have to do your best here to guess what veggies might go well with the sandwich you imagine eating.
3. Stage three is where you pick your sauces. They have several. Mustard and Mayo of course. Ranch. Some kind of chipotle sauce that isn’t as good as you’d hope. Salt. Pepper. Oil. Vinnegar.  The most common mistake made at this stage is they will say “Anything else?” and you may assume you are still in stage two and say “No,” meaning no more veggies. As soon as you say that they are rolling your sandwich up to shove down to stage four. At which point you’ll ask, “Hey, what about mustard?” and the lady at stage four will just frown at you. Should have thought about that three fucking seconds ago.
4. Stage four is where you pay. It’s also where you announce your intention to make your sandwich a value meal or add chips or cookies. Announcing this at any of the first three stages will produce blank looks. The people in stage 1-3 don’t know anything about chips or value meals. They are sandwich people. A note: if you pay by debit/credit card, don’t sit around waiting for a receipt unless you need one. You won’t have to sign your name. They won’t even wait to see if your card was validated. They just swipe and hand you your food. You could probably pay with a Library Card if you so choose. Subway has obviously decided the loss of efficiency in waiting 5 seconds to see if your card is valid is greater than the potential loss of being ripped off with fraudulent card.

Once you have paid, take your food, walk away and pat yourself on the back. You’ve just ordered yourself a Subway sandwich.

Next week: Is the self-check aisle in the grocery store right for you?