What Is Funny?

1. The universe is vast, though as Carl Sagan famously pointed out, some parts are vaster than others, such as the less popular areas of certain black holes and the inside of Southern congressmens’ heads.
2. Explaining just how vast the universe is, consider this: If put on a scale where the sun and Pluto are 40 inches apart, the nearest star to the earth would be n early 2,500 miles away.  The great paradox is this–in a nearly infinite universe of unmeasurable size, it is still impossible to find parking in San Francisco.
3. The prospect of intelligent life somewhere is exciting until you consider how unlikely it is that any extraterrestrial life would be interested in having sex with us.
4. Thus the wise proverb: A man who dreams about the universe is a philosopher. A man who dreams about his mother has bigger fish to fry.
5. The theory of relativity states, in common language, that if you travel far and fast enough in any direction, it will eventually not matter to you who the Democratic candidate for president was in 1928 and why he didn’t do better.
6. There may be multiple universes out there, perhaps even infinite parallel universes. This is of great interest to physicists, but less impressive to IRS auditors unwilling to even imagine that a missing tax return in this universe may exist elsewhere.
7. In terms of having a sense of humor, the universe doesn’t disappoint producing such classic gags as Quarks, Uranus, and Libertarians.
8. Does the universe have any meaning? This is a question many have pondered for a while, though most agree that whether there is some larger meaning or not, it would still suck to get hit in the face with a a comet.
9. Some call the beginning of the universe “The Big Bang,” but recently this theory has come under attack from various other approaches, including but not limited to, “The Pretty Descent Sized Clank,” “The Moderate Pop,” and “The Horace Greenblat is A Big Fat Idiot,” named after the legendary physicists, and serious grudge holder, Henry Watkins.
10. The Universe is expanding, but what this means for those of us struggling to find a good pastrami sandwich outside LA, NY, and Chicago remains unclear.

Tags: aphroisms, Quick Hits

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