Rebbe Moyshe was known throughout the village of Villna for his knowledge in the matters of the heart. A pupil of the Rebbe once complained to his teacher, “I have no luck with women. Whenever I see a beautiful young woman, I feel compelled to speak with her, but the result is always heartbreak. What can be done?” The Rebbe contemplated the young pupil’s problem for several days, until one night he awoke with a loud “Aha!” He summoned the pupil right away. “Rebbe,” the excited pupil cried, “Have you found a solution?” “Yes, yes,” said the Rebbe, “I think I have,” and with that he kicked the man in the balls.
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Rebbe Moyshe, it is said, once grew his beard down to his toes in a single week. How he did this is unknown. Some claim he asked God to give him wisdom beyond his years. Others say he prayed each night with such intensity that the hairs around his mouth grew to the floor as a sign of respect for his prayers. Though most agree, he probably was just wearing the fake beard he kept in his closet as it was his idea of a good joke to put on a fake beard and startle his wife.
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The Rebbe, it is written, was renowned for his insightful interpretations of Talmudic Law (most famously, THE PEOPLE VS. GLICKMAN’S BAKERY and the CAN SOMETHING THAT TASTES THIS BAD STILL BE FORBIDDEN TO EAT ON PASSOVER case). Once, when pouring through an obscure passage of the Talmud, Rebbe Moyshe found a loophole that allowed a man to eat pork on the Sabbath so long as he not covet his neighbor’s tenderloin. This was a revelation, though later it was discovered the passage was not authentic Talmud per se, but rather a take-out menu from a popular rib joint, which he had been using as a bookmark.
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The Rebbe was known for the many miracles he performed, including but not limited to, the Levitating Woman, Any Card/Any Number, The Coin Fold, andThe Needle through the Thumb trick. In one of his greatest Miracles ever, the Rebbe was able to regularly have his oil changed without being sold unnecessary air filter replacements.
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One Purim, the Rebbe having consumed too much grape wine, was rumored to have spent the night with a woman that was not his wife. This worried the people of his village for many a long week, until one man was elected to confront the Rebbe on this grave sin. The man returned to the worried villagers with a smile on his face. “So, is it not true then? About the Rebbe and this other woman?” the villagers asked. “No,” said the man. “It is as we thought. The Rebbe has been with a woman that is not his wife.” “So why the happy face? This is a terrible sin!” cried the villagers. “Ah, but note the wisdom of the Rebbe. The woman was not Jewish.” The villagers were confused, until one at last asked, “But what difference does that make? To be with a non-Jewish woman is also grave sin.” “Ah!” said the man, “But you see how clever our Rebbe is–he knows that two negatives make a positive.” And thus the matter was rightly resolved for it is written in the Torah, One can sleep around and still keep ones day job provided one is also good at math.
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There is a saying Rebbe Moyshe was fond of repeating: It takes a wise man to learn Talmud, but even a fool can kick another man in the balls.